SC getting between DH and me - what can I do?

[Befrazzled1]

Looking for some step-parenting advice as I feel my SD is getting between me and my DH.
The background: SD is 15, I met her when she was 10 and she has a perfectly acceptable mum of her own, so I’ve never tried to step into that role. A supportive parental figure maybe, but I keep out of decision making and discipline - that’s down to DH and his ex. DH and I now have 2 DC of our own.
I have completely different expectations of my SC than my DH does, and am getting increasingly fed up with her moping around on her phone, appearing when dinner is ready or to make herself some lunch, and then disappearing to her room again without clearing up behind her. I know for a fact when my own DC are older they will be expected to do chores and be helpful around the house.
Her presence changes the dynamic of the home as when she does leave her room, she mopes around grunting and mindlessly scrolling on her phone. She’s only with us every other weekend but I’m starting to dread those weekends because it always creates tension between my DH and me because he doesn’t want to pick her up on any of the things that get to me because he doesn’t want to upset her in fear of her not coming to stay anymore. But she treats the place like a hotel, me like a slave, and is setting a really bad example to my DC. AIBU to expect my husband to be a bit firmer on her?

Id love to know how it was for you.

Yep!

I was such an expert in child rearing until I had my own!

separate the issues - I think the cleaning up after herself is basic manners and it’s fair to either ask your DH to ask her to do that or to do it himself if he prefers so you aren’t left with the extra tasks - it’s not your job and it’s understandable you resent it.

However, I really don’t think you can ask her to do chores - she’s not living with you - twice a month she visits, presumably coming late fri and leaving relatively early Sunday and you want her to clean the house Saturday?! Hire (and pay!) for a cleaner instead. In the same way you don’t want to clean up after her, why should she clean a house she’s not living in?

being on her phone is really typical of a teenager but for a girl who is split between families, away from friends, with someone who isn’t very keen on having her around…. I’m probably be on my phone too to avoid the situation. Her dad needs to actively spend time with her if he wants her off her phone - and honestly I’m not sure this is a battle that’s worth taking on for you as it’s likely that the visits will dwindle in the near future - a year or so and her visits will be even less frequent. I’d try stay out of the trap of comparing your children to her - they aren’t in a comparable situation. Parental split is a recognised adverse childhood experience (ACE) which is linked to lots of potential issues like mental health difficulties so trying to have compassion for her (even recognising your own legitimate frustrations) would be hugely helpful .

This

Sounds like a standard teenager.

But she treats the place like a hotel, me like a slave, and is setting a really bad example to my DC

It's not right that she treats you like a slave - although not super uncommon with teens. But the hotel? It kind of is for her right? It's certainly not her home - it's her dad's and his new family's home and somewhere she visits two weekends a month. Have you ever been a step child in that situation OP to understand how that feels for some teens? For some it's petty uncomfortable and unsettling, so hopefully her dad spends lots of one-on-one time with her to make it worthwhile, or of course she spends her time on her phone venting to her friends about being stuck at dad's place.

This.

what a winner he is. 🙄

This, and what exact slave work are you doing for her that aren’t bog standard parenting tasks you’re doing for your own children?
Are you washing her feet? Carrying her around on your back? Walking in front of her throwing a carpet of petals?
as per @Psychologymam I really don’t think you can ask her to do chores - she’s not living with you - twice a month she visits, presumably coming late fri and leaving relatively early Sunday and you want her to clean the house Saturday?! Hire (and pay!) for a cleaner instead. In the same way you don’t want to clean up after her, why should she clean a house she’s not living in?
what fun for her, spending her time at her dads house cleaning up after her step-sibs week of mess having only just arrived?
(is that some mice I hear singing?” Cinder-ellly Cinder-elly”)

Your husband cannot possibly be effectively parenting a child he only sees 4 days a month. He might be doing his best with calls but parenting involves being physically present.

You will discover when your children are teenagers that parenting them involves a fair amount of deep breaths and not reacting to negative body language in order to keep a good relationship going.

I suggest being as cheerful as you can when she visits, show interest in her life and throw in the odd “can you just pop that in the kitchen, thanks” or whatever task you want her to help with. Be really specific and just pick something small so she feels she’s part of the family and you’re on the same team.

Keeping a good relationship with her and your husband is far more important than a bit of mess and teenage surliness.

My teen constantly has headphones on and frequently needs to be reminded to clear up after herself...which she does cheerfully. It's not deliberate, they are just in a world of their own with their own pressures and stresses and things like crumbs don't register.

I don't think it needs to be a big thing made of it...maybe just a gentle reminder to wipe the counter when you have finished making the sandwich.

I do wonder when I read threads like this if people would be so unkind and rude to someone’s face.

OP I’m a step mum and I understand how the dynamic changes when the kids are here but I think what you’ve described is pretty much teenage behaviour. She’s probably fed up at being away from her friends when they’re having fun and probably not overly keen on having two younger siblings. I think it’s one of those where you cut her some slack when she’s with you and if I was you, I’d get her dad to do something special one on one with her every weekend. Not the whole weekend but even an hour bowling where it’s just then will make a difference.

find out what she likes and it might help you to do the same with her. My SD lives shopping in charity shops for clothes so we do that if she’s here on a Saturday morning.

give her reasons to want to be with you instead of in her home with her friends nearby and you might see a difference x x

Ha - my first thought on it was that Cinderella is a warning story not an inspiration! Funny that it popped into both our heads!

I have what I consider to be one of the best teenagers. She does housework, cooks for us, makes her own lunch, she doesn’t sulk away in her room, does her homework, she is kind and considerate, asks if I need anything. Her dad is away next week and she just put our meal plans together and did a Whoosh Tesco shop so we had groceries in so that next week is easier for me.

Trying to get her to pick up after herself after she’s eaten or at the end of the day is virtually impossible. For some reason, teenagers seem to skip this step. This is not a battle you want to pick, you are not her parent. You don’t have to clear up after her, your husband can do that.

I remember my mum saying all the “treat this house like a hotel” bullshit with me 40 years ago. I’m not sure what some parents expect teenagers to do. Just Let them be kids, let them be sulky, let them hide out in their room. That’s what they want and need, it helps them cope with their life, which can be pretty shitty at that age. You are creating an unnecessary resentment based on your values not hers or her parents’.

Those expectations are nothing to do with the children though, that’s a problem between you and your partner.

Nah, OP, I think you've been given a hard time here. I don't allow any teens in my house to behave like this, it's not difficult to set reasonable expectations of behaviours. Regardless of how much time they spend in the house. I don't think they should be able to stomp around the house leaving attitude and mess in their wake.

(I have four teens in my house, two are mine, two are SC - all are here 50/50).

She sounds like my niece @BoredZelda ! A brilliant girl, so helpful to her parents and younger sibs, will pick them up from school, make dinner if my sis/bil stuck at work, look after the hamsters, cat and dogs..but my goodness the mess she can leave the bathroom or bedroom in and be oblivious of it! 😆

The father needs to clear up after her if he won’t ask her to do it herself. He will soon get bored of that and realise it’s easier to ask her to assist!

2 days out if 14 is nothing, suck it up. You can ask her to clean up, it’s your house as well. I would start with ‘I’ll help you wash up, I’ll help you cook that.’ And guide her through it. Likewise with being in her room - great? What’s the a actual problem with that? If you don’t like it ask her to come down and play a game or watch a show with you.

Yes I would. Because OP is being unkind and her husband is a shit dad. Four days a month pretending to be a parent, and the poor kid getting stink eye from her stepmum for not taking a plate back to the kitchen. Of course she changes the dynamic of the home - because OP can’t simply erase her out of the family history if she’s in the house with them.

As I said, I’ve been a stepmum. I’m not sitting here from a position of inexperience. I highly doubt that OP will be enforcing the same sort of rules on her own children when they’re a similar age, because ideally she’ll know by that point that you have to pick your battles.

As others have said, this is in the sphere of normal (but not desirable) teen behaviour.

You’re not new to her life, just say “X, can you make sure you clear up after yourself/bring clothes that need to washed downstairs/tidy your room”. It’s not a confrontation, it’s a conversation with a member of your family.

I’ve got a teenage step daughter and the majority of things I find annoying are quite simply because she’s a teenager, it hasn’t crossed her mind that anyone would notice/be annoyed/care that she has or hasn’t done something. We’ve got a good relationship, I think primarily because I don’t skirt around things, nor do I make out anything she has or hasn’t done is the crime of the century (she’s a good kid).