SC getting between DH and me - what can I do?

[Befrazzled1]

Looking for some step-parenting advice as I feel my SD is getting between me and my DH.
The background: SD is 15, I met her when she was 10 and she has a perfectly acceptable mum of her own, so I’ve never tried to step into that role. A supportive parental figure maybe, but I keep out of decision making and discipline - that’s down to DH and his ex. DH and I now have 2 DC of our own.
I have completely different expectations of my SC than my DH does, and am getting increasingly fed up with her moping around on her phone, appearing when dinner is ready or to make herself some lunch, and then disappearing to her room again without clearing up behind her. I know for a fact when my own DC are older they will be expected to do chores and be helpful around the house.
Her presence changes the dynamic of the home as when she does leave her room, she mopes around grunting and mindlessly scrolling on her phone. She’s only with us every other weekend but I’m starting to dread those weekends because it always creates tension between my DH and me because he doesn’t want to pick her up on any of the things that get to me because he doesn’t want to upset her in fear of her not coming to stay anymore. But she treats the place like a hotel, me like a slave, and is setting a really bad example to my DC. AIBU to expect my husband to be a bit firmer on her?

As your SD is taking her GCSEs she’ll be under pressure I expect. Also when she comes to your house she’s away from her friends & boyfriend. I do think that’s hard on a child through no fault of their own. It also sounds like there’s been a lot of change in her life over the last 5 years with having half siblings & her Dad marrying.
I do think she could be encouraged to clear up after herself at meal times but I think chores in a house she doesn’t spend much time in probably isn’t realistic or fair. It may be good if you & DH could talk and compromise on some changes but also you cutting her some slack.
I can totally see how this is frustrating for you but I do think SD has to make sacrifices to be able to spend time with her Dad.

Hi! Fellow SM here. People on MN are mean from behind a screen when they’ve no idea about situations. I totally get what you mean when you say your DH has different expectations from your SD to what you will have for your children. You’re not saying your children will be angels 😂 My SS is now early teens and wasn’t ASKED to lift a finger in our house until I told his dad he should be washing up a plate after himself and making a slice of toast etc 😂 I understand that when my DC are older, they will make a mess and there will be resistance but they will consistently be ASKED and reminded because otherwise they become entitled and expect you to wait on them. It isn’t fair on the rest of your household that our DHs are so worried about upsetting them they can’t parent. It is so easy to say ‘just put up with it’ but actually the annoyance isn’t really to do with the child, it is that your husband isn’t telling his SD to do anything and is expecting you to pick up that slack which puts them on a pedestal in your house. That is how I feel anyway!

I also think it’s really tricky when you feel you can’t get involved with discipline. I only do because I look after my SS without DH a fair bit so he had to understand from a young age I was in charge too. I think maybe an idea would be to come up with a couple of things that you think are REALLY important to you (eg no phone for an hour in the evening, and plates in dishwasher when finished) and speak to your DH about it. He could then speak to her about it and because it’s him who’s told her you can also reinforce it without it being that anyone is ‘nagging’. I think it’s better to be proactive and state what’s important you rather than reactive eg moaning at them both when she’s not doing it and getting stressed yourself! I know that’s what I end up doing too much of anyway so I try and do that myself now!

I think you need to put things into perspective.
You have two young children and you’ve skipped many years and are of the assumption that your children will behave, do chores, be helpful around the house blah blah blah
I had three little boys, all raised the same, and once they became teenagers, my expectations, what I had assumed didn’t materialise.
Honestly, teenagers are wild beings. I can’t explain how one can be tidy and respectful, while another has heaps of clothes on his bedroom floor and every glass and mug littering his desk. One will chat and tell us about his life, another will grunt when asked about his day. Another will let the house burn down before he unglues his eyes from his phone. And none of them will walk the dog they begged and swore they’d care for before lockdown.
I think you’re being unfair - you’re a new mum with rose tinted glasses and can currently ‘control’ your children, but that will change once they become teenagers.
You sound convinced that your children will be different but trust me (and all the other mums of teens) they won’t be.

Sounds like completely typical teenage behaviour to me.

This!!!

Hi OP, I’m a SM too and get similarly annoyed! My SC are younger and I don’t make them do chores (in general I try to not have chores on the weekends) but I do make them make their beds, put their laundry in a basket and keep their rooms relatively tidy. It’s an ongoing and very annoying battle.

If she’s actively making a mess in shared areas, I’d call her back to clean it. Every time.

How old are your children? Realistically, she lives three hours away and her life is there; you probably won’t be seeing much of her in a year or so. So I’d try to let it go and focus on building her relationship with the children - maybe she can take them to the park or play a game with them whilst you tidy up?

My 16 year old made me lunch today and cleared up. Then he ordered us McDonald’s to be delivered on my card for tea. Then he assembled my new wardrobe for me. I did not ask him to do any of this and told him he didn’t have to. He wanted to.

This is highly unusual behaviour because I am going through a bereavement. Usually I don’t want him to do anything because he has enough on his plate with school, part time job, seeing friends, the gym. So usually I do more or less everything but he is more than capable if I need help.

If I only saw him every other weekend our time together would be so precious that I wouldn’t want him doing chores. On the odd occasion if you were ill or something then yes.
I think in your case as the time with their dad is so limited they shouldn’t be doing chores.

Just my opinion. I would make your partner deal with any additional work not the step child.

All those crying anti-SM behaviour on this thread: totally missing the point.

We’re laughing at the OP’s naivety about teens. It’s like she’s never heard that teens can be huffy, phone-obsessed, a bit messy etc 😹. It shows absolute minimum interest/effort in learning about the age/stage that her own DSC is at - which beggars belief!

Before anyone accuses me of being anti-SM’s: I both AM one, and have a wonderful incredible SM in my own children’s lives. She’s fab. Largely because she takes the time to understand my DC’s, their ages and stages, and really connects with them because she doesn’t see them as a barrier between her and my ex-H.

She's a teenager who's lived through her parents divorcing, a remarriage, new siblings, going between two houses, and is exhibiting nothing more than typical teen behaviour.

Yup.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

You said yourself she changes the dynamic in the house when she’s there. I’ve been a stepmother and honestly, you just sound unkind. She’s a perfectly normal teen. And your DH is a shit dad if he thinks 4 days a month is a good relationship. I wonder if you’ll think it’s adequate for your kids when you eventually divorce?

I agree I think it is hard until you have teens to actually appreciate how hard it is to parent them and how hard it is to be a teen. DD (16) is amazing but dear god the piles of clothes in her room, her attempt to clean up a shower and the mess she makes when she cooks!It is hard but I think she isn’t being a barrier she is being a teen.

and that is it she is being a teen, she isn’t deliberately causing issues or being anything other than a typical 15 year old made to spend time with someone who finds it difficult to understand her stage

Maybe I’ve misread, but it doesn’t sound like OP expects her children will be little darling teens. It sounds like she is frustrated because her DH isn’t trying to parent her? I’m presuming you all don’t just turn around and go ‘okay, no problem!!!’ When your teens leave a massive mess for you to clean up? Because that’s not encouraging responsible independent adults is it. Yes it doesn’t sound like the teenager is exhibiting any abnormal behaviour.. but the way her DH is responding to it isn’t normal surely?

I would imagine most of us insist our teens tidy up after themselves but the OP is centering the teen in this, rather than her DH and his lack of ability to pull her up on this. Her frustration should be aimed at him, rather than a 15 year old who's simply being a typical teen.

Yup, we all think that!

@Daisy12Maisie, OP isn't asking for DSC to do chores, just to not leave a mess in the kitchen.

I speak as a former stepmother - a) she's a teenager, her behaviour is totally normal and b) she's there 4 days A MONTH. Give her a break. I had 3 sc and never used to make them do 'chores' when they were with us because it was supposed to be quality time with their father, seeing as EOW isnt exactly decent in quantity, is it?

There’s no better parent of teens than someone who has never parented teens.

God bless you OP, I hope your own DCs don't give you any trouble in the future.

But seriously, her behaviour is pretty standard, low key teen stuff so I would suggest that you have a word with yourself and be a bit nicer to her.

My husbands older children were very much like this, but with added attitude problems. I understood he didn’t want to enforce boundaries because he was worried they’d refuse to come over anymore. He’d walk on egg shells and bend over backwards to appease them. I left their mess etc for him to deal with, as he was unwilling to even ask them to wipe their own piss off the toilet seat and floor.

If your husband won’t encourage his daughter to clean up, then it’s his mess to clean up.

She's a typical teenager & is only there 4 days a month. She's coming towards the end of every other weekend visits anyway as she gets older, so honestly I would be focusing more on connection than what is pretty minor teen behaviour. What is her father doing with her on the weekends when she's there? Is he making an effort to take her out for 1-1 time, lunch, cinema, hobbies, etc? Is he taking time out just them that doesn't involve the much younger siblings? Or is she a bit bored when she's there? If she's only staying with you 4 days a month then she's more a guest than a resident & whilst, yes, she should wipe the kitchen counter or put her plate in the dishwasher, it's all very normal teenage behaviour (my teens are fabulous people, but still don't put their things in the dishwasher half the time!).

I've not read the full thread but honestly it just sounds like she's being 15. She'll grow out of it.

This exactly!!

The SC sounds like a typical teen, just like the OPs children will be one day.

What's normal though when he only sees his daughter for 4 days in the month? It's not the same parenting relationship as a dad that lives with his daughter. I had an every other weekend relationship with my dad and quite frankly as a teen I'd have been a bit pissed off if dad thought he should start trying to parent me. My guess is the teen is just trying to minimise the time she spends in shared areas of the house.

This, she’s 15, you met her at 10, so in 5 years she’s had to deal with step mum 2 new siblings and a move? Poor girl!

Exactly! After all that, I think she's doing very well to just be leaving dishes lying around and nothing worse.