SC getting between DH and me - what can I do?

[Befrazzled1]

Looking for some step-parenting advice as I feel my SD is getting between me and my DH.
The background: SD is 15, I met her when she was 10 and she has a perfectly acceptable mum of her own, so I’ve never tried to step into that role. A supportive parental figure maybe, but I keep out of decision making and discipline - that’s down to DH and his ex. DH and I now have 2 DC of our own.
I have completely different expectations of my SC than my DH does, and am getting increasingly fed up with her moping around on her phone, appearing when dinner is ready or to make herself some lunch, and then disappearing to her room again without clearing up behind her. I know for a fact when my own DC are older they will be expected to do chores and be helpful around the house.
Her presence changes the dynamic of the home as when she does leave her room, she mopes around grunting and mindlessly scrolling on her phone. She’s only with us every other weekend but I’m starting to dread those weekends because it always creates tension between my DH and me because he doesn’t want to pick her up on any of the things that get to me because he doesn’t want to upset her in fear of her not coming to stay anymore. But she treats the place like a hotel, me like a slave, and is setting a really bad example to my DC. AIBU to expect my husband to be a bit firmer on her?

What if her Dad cracks down on these misdemeanours and she stops ever coming over? Would the damage to their relationship be worth not dealing with a bit of mess in the kitchen? I understand about setting a poor example for your dcs but presumably they’re under 5 so SD will be an adult before they’re preparing food?

This is typical teenage behaviour she is hardly with you do I think that you or your husband need to pick your battles and give her a bit of leeway and kindness, it isn't really bad behaviour at all compared to some

Why doesn't her father parent her 50/50? Or at least more than four days a month. That's not being present in her life.

It must be really hard for her knowing he chooses to live with his 'new' kids full time.
He needs to parent her more and spend a lot of one to one time building his relationship with her.

It's a phase. Teens can be like this.
You may well find your own to be exactly the same (but it won't annoy you as much).
Pick your battles. A little mess is no big deal. Your DH doesn't want to intervene because he's not that bothered and wants his DD to have a visit without being told off.
I ignored the mess my SC made (DH isn't exactly tidy either) and just tidied up after they left.
Spending all her time in her room and just coming down for food isn't unusual - but maybe she doesn't feel overly welcomed either.
I have 2 SC and 1 DD. So this is a SM perspective.

I know for a fact when my own DC are older they will be expected to do chores and be helpful around the house. Good luck with that one.

Please come back when your two children are 15 and tell us all about what perfect darling angels they are who always clean up after themselves and never grunt or scroll their phones. Please.

It’s so much harder to be helpful when it’s not your own home and if she’s only there 4 days a month it won’t properly feel like her own home. Has she ever been with you more days?

Well your DH should be making the dinner and telling her to clear up, or if he doesn’t want to ask he should do it himself. That shouldn’t fall to you. The rest sounds like normal teen and she’ll emerge from it in a couple of years. At least she’s not being actively aggressive. Until then I’d continue to be kind, invite and include her but don’t force her to engage, and get on with your own life - but your DH should be seeing to her needs, sorting her room, etc. if she’s not doing it herself.

Why would that be a problem? OP doesn't say she expects them to do this without being taught. Plenty of teenagers cook for their families or have responsibilities in the home.

If dad doesn't want his daughter to be reminded to do the things she needs to do then he needs to do them.

It is tricky with non resident step kids as if the family cleans together on a Saturday morning and they are only there Saturday / Sunday they are being asked to clean the house half the days they are there compared to 1/7. But the basics like cleaning up after themselves aren't beyond a 15 year old regardless of where they live.

Could be a different expectation at her Mum's house.
Easy enough to ask though? It's not straying into discipline to say 'can you pop that plate in the dishwasher '
My SC just didn't really have a lot of initiative to do jobs, but would happily do things if asked. Ditto DD now she's a teenager too.

This is teens tho.

Why isn’t he doing the “slave work” which I assume is cleaning, cooking etc

Teenagers you don't have yet are certainly better behaved than ones that actually exist. Congrats on your hypothetically beautifully mannered children OP!

be honest OP you just want it to be your “little family”

Even as a stepparent sick and tired of my dh pandering to his children out of fear, I agree that laziness and messiness is normal teenage behaviour. You’ve got a few years to go yet.

I know for a fact when my own DC are older they will be expected to do chores and be helpful around the house.

🤣 🤣 🤣

And when mine were babies I always swore they’d only have wooden wholesome toys… within 4yrs I was buying them plastic guns. Because we all have great intentions… until we HAVE children of that age and realise how naive we were 🙈 🙄

OP - with kindness, you’ve described every teenager ever. Once yours are teens you’ll look back at your indignance at her and your lofty intentions for your own and laugh your head off! 😊

I think it’s difficult because she’s there so little. My sd did eow ( established long before 50/50 was more normal and mum moved her an hour away including school) anyway at weekends she was expected to load the dishwasher as my two did it in the week and she was expected to tidy after herself. My dh wanted her part of our every day life so that included tidying up and being present for the not so fun things.

I would pick a chore and get her to own it.
make sure she’s tidying up her stuff and if she doesn’t pop it all in a carrier bag ready for next time she’s over - she’ll soon learn that she needs to put it away.
get her to do her own washing on Sundays before she leaves so she has ownership for her stuff

YABU - this is typical for teenage girls, and probably worsened by the fact she has to shuttle between homes. Teenagers hate this as it interferes with their friends/outings. And some will find it very difficult living in 2 places when they just want to be in their "main" bedroom with their stuff.

If he's seeing her 2 days out of 14, then I'm not surprised he won't pick her up about scrolling on her phone or not putting plates in the dishwasher. If her mother has her for 12 of 14, then that is when those sorts of comments need to be made.

She probably knows that you don't want her there. And I doubt she's relishing the prospect of taking GCSEs this year. I bet she really does feel miserable round your house with two more siblings that she might feel replace her.

The teenage years can be very, very difficult and divorced parents makes the situation even worse.

I'm a SM so I can see it from your perspective. Ignore the comments on here about why aren't you having her more. I get that contact is a very difficult subject and I'm sure her dad would love to have her more but thats just not how it works is it.
I would have a gentle word with her dad again and tell him how its making you feel. I would then let her weekends be his responsibility for cooking and cleaning. Don't be the default parent when it suits him I.e. cooking and cleaning but then not be allowed any say in how she's parented when he doesn't like your opinion! Its all or nothing im afraid and you have to set those boundaries with your husband now.

Normal teenage behaviour and I'm not surprised your DH doesn't want to rock the boat when he sees her so little.

Think you may just have to grin and bear it. Your DH should be pulling his weight in clearing up after her though.

Sounds like typical teenager behaviour.
Also sounds like the common story of the step parent who doesn't want step children getting in the way of her perfect little family when she has her own DC

He sees very little of her, more of a fun uncle role than a parent surely? She doesn't sound that extreme but I'm not surprised she has little respect for him. If he puts the same minimal effort into parenting your two, they will likely have little respect for him too, he doesn't deserve it.

Haaa hey judgemental 👋
My DH and SD’s relationship was not what my original post was about so not sure why you’re offering your opinion on his parenting when you know nothing about it.
DH doesn’t need to be physically present with her to ‘parent’ her or be present in her life.
They have a brilliant relationship, she confides and turns to him more than her mum and they regularly communicate and FaceTime.
I don’t think he ‘chooses to live with his ‘new’ kids full time’. I think if he tried to move back in with his ex, she might have something to say about that 🤪.
Her mum moved away with her following the split and now it is unrealistic to see her middle of week with school & GCSEs (3hr round trip) and she has a boyfriend so doesn’t want to come to us every weekend. The ball is in her court.

4 days a month...

Hopefully your husband can come down hard on her then she refuses to spend time with you all.

Then you will have the life you clearly want with him just fathering your perfect 2 😆

Thank you, this is constructively helpful!