SC getting between DH and me - what can I do?

[Befrazzled1]

Looking for some step-parenting advice as I feel my SD is getting between me and my DH.
The background: SD is 15, I met her when she was 10 and she has a perfectly acceptable mum of her own, so I’ve never tried to step into that role. A supportive parental figure maybe, but I keep out of decision making and discipline - that’s down to DH and his ex. DH and I now have 2 DC of our own.
I have completely different expectations of my SC than my DH does, and am getting increasingly fed up with her moping around on her phone, appearing when dinner is ready or to make herself some lunch, and then disappearing to her room again without clearing up behind her. I know for a fact when my own DC are older they will be expected to do chores and be helpful around the house.
Her presence changes the dynamic of the home as when she does leave her room, she mopes around grunting and mindlessly scrolling on her phone. She’s only with us every other weekend but I’m starting to dread those weekends because it always creates tension between my DH and me because he doesn’t want to pick her up on any of the things that get to me because he doesn’t want to upset her in fear of her not coming to stay anymore. But she treats the place like a hotel, me like a slave, and is setting a really bad example to my DC. AIBU to expect my husband to be a bit firmer on her?

Coming down hard on her?? Asking her to clear up after herself?! Wow, life must be easy in your household.

I said ‘they will be expected’ not ‘they will do’.

Not sure I agree with the he doesn't need to be present to parent her effectively, if she is confiding in him more than her mum it would seem mum has to play bad cop more and he is seen as good cop, not sure I see that as effective parenting without any judgement.

Sounds like your and your husband need to sit down on a planned basis (not in a huff reaction to any one event) and have a sensible discussion about what reasonable behaviour and expectations are all round.

Teenager being on phone when they’re away from their main home and friends doesn’t sound noteworthy. It’s a parenting style you might not choose, but as you say, you dont do the parenting for this child.

Cooking meals for children who are in the house sounds like fairly basic adult behaviour. Putting your own plate in the dishwasher at 15 also seems reasonable. Clearing the table after toddler tea probably a big ask

Thank you, this is really helpful. There are a lot of commenters who have nothing better to do than project their own feelings onto others or pick apart strangers’ setups to make them feel better about their own - so this advice is appreciated!

Just push her mess to one side. Dh can clear up after her.
And I would be making plans to be out enjoying your dc instead of stressing about sd....

Hmmm. Not sure how you inferred that from my wanting my husband to ask her to clear up her own mess. Projecting your own feelings are we?

She is acting like a very normal teenager. Her father is in a tricky position. If he pushes back too hard on this very normal behavior, she will just stop coming over.

what you can stop doing is being the one providing care or cleaning up after her. That should be her father’s job. If there are dirty dishes, don’t clean them up. Don’t say anything. He deals with them how he wants. He can clean them himself or ask his child to start doing it. You just let them sit there.

yes, he absolutely did create this low parenting situation. He didn’t go to court to stop the mother from moving his dd away. He didn’t follow her when she moved. He decided living away from his dd and parenting eow was acceptable.

I can't understand how a child who only visits less than 50 days a year can be getting between two adults, but ok.

Zero projection from me, thanks. I'm proudly childfree, and was made to be a 'step' child, so know how bad it is, sadly.

I keep out of decision making and discipline - that’s down to DH and his ex. DH and I now have 2 DC of our own.
I have completely different expectations of my SC than my DH does, and am getting increasingly fed up with her moping around on her phone, appearing when dinner is ready or to make herself some lunch, and then disappearing to her room again without clearing up behind her.

Sounds like you’re contradicting yourself!

What's she actually doing wrong?
Is it just not clearing up when she's made herself lunch?
Can you just ask her to come back and put her plate in the dishwasher?

@Befrazzled1 "I know for a fact when my own DC are older they will be expected to do chores and be helpful around the house."

With all due respect OP, I think you might be in for a mightly shock (and a few battles) once they reach teenage. You know how your SD is behaving now - well that's pretty much a glimpse into the future. You're welcome..

Usually I'd say her dad should be tougher on her cleaning up after herself and being polite (though some teen sullenness is to be expected). He only has her every other week though so I think the priority needs to be maintaining a positive relationship and ensuring she feels comfortable.

It's not such a huge deal her treating the house like a hotel when she's essentially a guest (I understand it was her mum that moved, but that doesn't change that she's missing out on having her dad close by). Honestly, I'd cut her some slack. Your children won't learn bad habits because they won't see her as part of the household.

Dh is risking having a decent relationship with your joint dc when they see sd not pulling her weight when they have to.
He needs to be parenting them all equally..

You're more than welcome!
Yes we are seen as the antichrist, the stereotype evil Disney stepmother will never die unfortunately.....
Yet as SMs we are expected to cook, clean, look after, pick up from school etc but heaven forbid we have an opinion on how to parent or disagree on THEIR child's behaviour.
If your relationship is going to work long-term with your husband he has to start to recognise and respect your role within the family unit otherwise I would take a massive step back and concentrate on your own children whilst she is round.

😂

So basically you find her annoying now you have your own so how unfair are you..she's a teenager probably also feels pushed out poor lass

So teenager you see 4days a month is acting like a teenager??
is this the rift between you and your husband because honestly if it is then its you

From your title I thought you meant she was literally getting between you like sitting between you or deliberately stirring up trouble. I read on to see what was so awful and all she does is mope, go on her phone and doesn’t clear up the dishes. She could do that one tbf although my 18 year old is hit and miss on that. I just remind her though, not make a big deal about it and suggest she is getting between me and my partner.

I think your title rather set the tone, if you'd used "DH won't tell his daughter to tidy up" or something then you'd have got more sympathetic replies. She's not coming between you by being a normal lazy teen is she?

Productive feedback on the step parenting thread, as usual 🙄

If he was a decent man and father, he'd have binned you long ago.

Why marry a man who has a child if you don’t want to be a step mum. She maybe senses you don’t approve of her and feels uncomfortable around you, that’s why she stays in her room. She’s an awkward teenager. Cut her some slack.

I had a lot of expectations for my perfect future teenagers. Reality was very different.

It's teen phase. As long as her behaviour otherwise isn't negative towards anyone, it might be best to let it pass. Perhaps be a bit vocal with suggestions of what you'd like her to do. Such as empty the washing machine, do the dishes.

Sometimes teens just need to be spoon-fed instructions. They usually give back the vibe they get. If you ask nicely, she might muck in.

@Befrazzled1 , I'd unwatch the thread. MN stepmums are expected to be completely selfless, and put the DSC before herself and her own children.
Your DH should be backing you up.