Backed into a corner by DH

[loopsaloo]

Hi all
On the back of another thread, I’d really appreciate any type of advice. To keep it short, SD is 27.
two years ago she lived with us for 3 months. She brought nothing but upset, chaos, intimidation, constant awful lies, police and ambulances in the middle of the night, I became so anxious I couldn’t leave the house. The last time I saw her was nearly two years ago, when I had to remove myself and my 16 year old daughter at 2 am due to her threatening to smash up the house, commit suicide,calling everyone cunts at the top her voice.
thats the tip of the iceberg. She was sent by DH back to her mother’s in wales where she continued to cause havoc.
she now has a 6 month old baby. DH is backing me into a corner to see her on Saturday.
I just don’t know what to do. She wants to come to the house and I’m just eaten up with anxiety.

"She’s coming down as it’s FIL 80th"
How long for? Is she staying overnight? Where? Will you be attending FIL's 80th?

Personally I would put on my big girl pants and tell DH that of course he should see his daughter, but this is your home and you would find it very distressing for her to be in your home after the shitstorm she caused last time, so you expect him to see her somewhere else. Why doesn't he take her and her baby for lunch somewhere.

"I’m not scared of him - but he does have a problem with over sensitivity and over reacting."
Then you need to be stubborn as a mule. I'm sure he'll pull the 'but it's my home too', but I'd just repeat her presence in your/the home would be very distressing for you. If he claims it would distress him not to have here in your home, I would laugh in his face and reiterate he needs to take her for lunch somewhere. And meet her there, you won't have her anywhere near your home. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Yes I’m completely safe. Please don’t worry.
DH absolutely knows how I feel, but he’s doing this to try to fix things between her and I. In my opinion they’re not fixable.

If you want to go in tue evening for the group thing then just do that. Be out during the day and make your own way there. Then if it all kicks off you can leave on your own terms.

Be the calm in the storm. You don’t have to be all dramatic about it. Just a calm, measured, “I’m doing xxx in the day. I’ll see you at the party”

I would tick him off in no uncertain terms then. Again, stubborn and repeat, repeat, repeat. 'There is no fixing things between her and I, but there is destroying things between you and I. Drop it, now.'

Go and get your hair done - he can tell his daughter whatever he wants.

I'm wondering whether you're in the right relationship, though, OP. Do you have children together?

He has a right to see his daughter in his house, you have a right not to want to see his daughter in your house. Best option I think would be to say: "I don't want to see her in our home because of how she has behaved in our home in the past. If you insist on seeing her here then I will be going out. I will see you at FIL's thing in the evening, but will make my own way there and back."

He can pay for a hotel for her then.

It’s yours and your DC’s house as well. She was a danger to you all when she lived there.

Personally I’d agree to see her on a mutual venue tell her how hurt and concerned you were after the last episode and I’d try and focus on her showing she is moving forward, being a good mum and not being destructive and manipulative.

I would probably not have her in my home for some time. However I’d not want it to continually drive a wedge between us. People do need to know they can come back from past behaviour even if it’s not fully forgotten.

I would rather meet her in advance of the 80th party so that focus can be about celebrating the host. Not dealing with the fall out from 2 years ago.

Just like his daughter then. The apple didn't fall very far.

He doesn't get to decide who you have in your life. Travel separately to the party. Then you can leave whenever you want to..

tell your husband that it isnt happening and you refuse. That he cannot force this issue.

Tell him that and stand firm that she is not to come into your house.

Given you will see her at your FIL’s birthday, I would probably go with your DH to meet her now but ensure it’s not at your house.

We don’t have children together

Would you prefer if he never saw this daughter and grandchild again ? If not what is your suggested way forward ?

If you can’t say to your husband ‘no thanks, I’ll go out if you’re having her here’ without having to dig deep/find your balls (whatever you wrote) then there are far far bigger problems for you in this relationship. It isn’t one, basically. Certainly not an equal one. Can you tell us why you’ve stayed despite knowing he’s a shit father and walking on egg shells?

Did you agree she can come to your house?!
It sounds like there has been zero reflection or apologies by her. I would be blunt and boundaried with your husband. Tough if he doesn't like it, remind her of what a nightmare she is

@Freeme31of course I don’t want that. I would just like to be taken into consideration. I feel like I’m screaming and no one is listening

Sounds like you haven’t got a great relationship if you can’t talk to your husband!
just tell him!

This!

Look into your life with your partner and contact women’s aid and discuss domestic abuse. Walking on eggshells is the first sign you are being controlled by your partners behaviour even if it’s just his body language!

She is 27 but your distain for teenage mothers is duly noted.

As her baby is still in her care, presumably she’s more stable than she used to be. Wouldn’t the baby have been removed from her if she was an active drug user? I could be wrong about this, but surely SS must’ve been involved during her pregnancy.

As others have said, I’d say no thank you to meeting her and either go out or insist that your DH meets her elsewhere. Explain to your DH that you’re simply not ready to see her yet. If he gets in a strop, tough.

The thing is @loopsaloo You ARE going to have to see her at FIL's 80th Birthday celebrations ( I presume that is Saturday night?). You said you have to go to that for your own reasons, so while I completely understand why you are still so angry, if it were me, I would suck it up and agree to meet her before hand, so as not to cause issues at the celebration. But maybe, away from the house, so that if things go pear-shaped you can just leave?

What would you like to happen?

And?

Tell him you support him seeing his daughter if that’s what he wants to do, but you don’t want to be there.