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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Backed into a corner by DH

58 replies

loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 12:23

Hi all
On the back of another thread, I’d really appreciate any type of advice. To keep it short, SD is 27.
two years ago she lived with us for 3 months. She brought nothing but upset, chaos, intimidation, constant awful lies, police and ambulances in the middle of the night, I became so anxious I couldn’t leave the house. The last time I saw her was nearly two years ago, when I had to remove myself and my 16 year old daughter at 2 am due to her threatening to smash up the house, commit suicide,calling everyone cunts at the top her voice.
thats the tip of the iceberg. She was sent by DH back to her mother’s in wales where she continued to cause havoc.
she now has a 6 month old baby. DH is backing me into a corner to see her on Saturday.
I just don’t know what to do. She wants to come to the house and I’m just eaten up with anxiety.

OP posts:
oldclock · 23/10/2025 12:25

Just go out and he can see her?

Original poster
loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 12:27

It’ll be obvious what I’m doing.

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 23/10/2025 12:28

Jut tell him to go and see her away from the house. There is no reason for her to come to the house. Clearly she hasn’t contacted you before now to apologise/try and put things right?

Nearly50omg · 23/10/2025 12:29

loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 12:27

It’ll be obvious what I’m doing.

Who cares?!

Original poster
loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 12:37

I know you’re right. I find it really hard to stand up for myself but I’m digging deep to find my balls

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 23/10/2025 12:41

Ovary up, much better than finding your balls, and set some boundaries. This isn’t about dislike of a person. We all sometimes paste on a smile for family and make polite chit chat. If your interactions involved the police, it is ok to say you don’t want to repeat the experience.

JudgeBread · 23/10/2025 12:45

What are you worried about? That the out of control teenage mother will judge you? Go out for the day, enjoy your peace, let your husband deal with her.

BudgetBuster · 23/10/2025 12:51

If in your shoes I would say to my husband are you forcing me out of my home for the day or are you kindly going to meet your daughter elsewhere?

I certainly wouldn't be there to meet her, but equally I'd be letting my husband know that he's being a dick letting her come to your home after what she put you all through.

Irenesortof · 23/10/2025 12:54

You don’t have to confront DH. Tell him quietly that you understand he loves his troubled daughter and her child and that you wish them both well, but seeing her in your home would bring back traumatic memories. So can he see them alone, ideally away from your home.

ACatNamedRobin · 23/10/2025 12:54

oldclock · 23/10/2025 12:25

Just go out and he can see her?

This OP.

Zempy · 23/10/2025 12:57

You’re an adult. He doesn’t get to dictate to you how you spend your time or who you socialise with.

Just make plans to do your own thing and tell him you won’t be seeing her. What’s he going to do? Are you scared of him?

Original poster
loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 13:00

That’s a good question. I’m not scared of him - but he does have a problem with over sensitivity and over reacting.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 23/10/2025 13:01

on what basis is he asking that you see her? Does he think that you would want to? I get that he would want to see his grandchild but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
what has his contact with her been like in the intervening period
There’s great potential there for further upset

Eviebeans · 23/10/2025 13:02

Why doesn’t he visit her at her home

WFHforevermore · 23/10/2025 13:03

I'd rise above it. You are the adult, dont let her make you feel like that anymore.

But I wouldnt have her in the house, i'd arrange to meet somewhere neutral.

Brefugee · 23/10/2025 13:04

loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 12:27

It’ll be obvious what I’m doing.

you need to ask yourself why that matters.
It is clear that you last saw her under very very challenging circumstances, and it would be clear to anyone with half an ounce of sense that you do not want to see her again in what should be a safe space for you.

So, in your shoes, i would go out. I would also set paramaters with DH for how long she will be there, and how he will let you know it is safe for you to return.

TBH my suggestion would be that he doesn't see her in your house until you are comfortable with that, but since it's his home too that may be difficult.

Original poster
loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 13:04

So I haven’t seen her for nearly two years, after the night she absolutely lost it after being caught out after trying to buy drugs. She’s coming down as it’s FIL 80th and since she’s had a baby, everyone seems to have forgotten what an absolute horror and nightmare she’s been. She fell pregnant at the point where her whole family were about to disown her

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 23/10/2025 13:06

Well then surely he can see her at the birthday celebration for her grandfather

Enough4me · 23/10/2025 13:07

He should see her, you don't have to be there.
Try, "No, but I'll pop out so you can have time together", said in a relaxed tone on repeat. I wouldn't explain, minimise, apologise etc as it gives him words to manipulate and throw back at you. Try to show neutral emotions, it is normal for a father to see his daughter, and stick to the plan to be out.

BudgetBuster · 23/10/2025 13:10

loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 13:00

That’s a good question. I’m not scared of him - but he does have a problem with over sensitivity and over reacting.

Your husband is an adult and needs to learn to regulate his own emotions. Don't be forced into a situation you aren't comfortable with because a grown man might take offense.

If he was that sensitive he'd still be upset at the chaos she caused you.

tripleginandtonic · 23/10/2025 13:10

Enough4me · 23/10/2025 13:07

He should see her, you don't have to be there.
Try, "No, but I'll pop out so you can have time together", said in a relaxed tone on repeat. I wouldn't explain, minimise, apologise etc as it gives him words to manipulate and throw back at you. Try to show neutral emotions, it is normal for a father to see his daughter, and stick to the plan to be out.

This.

No5ChalksRoad · 23/10/2025 13:10

I feel so sorry for that vulnerable baby.

If she does come to your home, lock up any valuables before you head out for the day.

Do you walk on eggshells around your spouse?

Original poster
loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 13:13

Yes I do, if I’m honest

OP posts:
Original poster
loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 13:14

Also, I have to go in the evening for FIL birthday.
there’s people I really want to see

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 23/10/2025 13:14

loopsaloo · 23/10/2025 13:13

Yes I do, if I’m honest

You walk on eggshells around your spouse?
This thread is about to take a whole turn.

This right here is not OK! Are you safe?

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