Parental responsibility split

[mylittlesunshine0172]

I am here for some advice, I’m aware it may just be newborn resentment but thought I’d ask as my brain isn’t seeing this as straight as normal.

My DP and I have DSS (13) and DD (4months).

We have DSS mon-fri and 1 weekend a month.
I am on maternity leave.

We currently split care of DD as the below. We both split dinner/bathtime routine so one does dinner other does bath time and getting DD ready for bed. Once finished dinner DP has DD from 8pm so I can go to sleep and does the first night feed (midnight or 1/2amish), as my DP is a heavier sleeper he will keep DD until she starts her real stirring around 3/4am I do that feed and he goes back to sleep. I have asked DP swap with DD after the 1/2am feed however he says he isn’t fussed as he will sleep through little noises she makes whereas I would wake up. I do however feel he gets the short straw with this but he says he doesn’t care.

Now comes to the weekends, DP picks DSS every other Sunday and it takes 3.5hrs to drive there and 3.5hrs to drive back. So 7hrs in total. Which means understandably I do Sunday with DD on my own, the other weekend we have me time so I can do again one day of the weekend on my own. I understand it kind of is what it is but I just feel a bit frustrated as at the weekends which is also my tiny bit of respite. I’m having to do it on my own 50% of the time 3/4 weekends

does anyone have any suggestions?

Can the other parent not share the travelling? Why does your DP do both ways?

Your DP is more than pulling his weight. I had similar with interrupted weekends due to DH ferrying his older kids around. It really is such a short window and then your DSS will be gone. There’s really not much to do here except get on with it.

I’m guessing the other parent does the other journey. (On the Friday?)

One option is that he could talk to the other parent and see about splitting both journeys - so they both do 3.5 hours on the Friday and 3.5 hours on the Sunday. Would that be better for you? Or worse?

The other option is that DSS must be close to being old enough to travel by train. My teenage DD’s boyfriend lives about 3.5 hours drive away and she recently visited him by train. It only took 2.5 hours on the train and she got to do lots of homework whilst on the train. She is a bit older (15) but maybe one to work up to? Is there a direct line? DD’s journey was a direct line and we made sure she was travelling both ways in the light so maybe one to think about for next Spring.

Your DH is doing his fair share and you both knew his responsibilities for his other child when you had this baby. Not everything about marriage and parenting needs to be a 100% fair split, id just get on with it.

Surely it's fab to have dd to yourself??

How does school work for dss does he go to school near you?
At 13 he can start taking train at least one way pick up at the other end

So the weekend DP does the drive it’s just the 3 of you on the Saturday?

can you now take some respite time then?
and maybe visit a friend or relative on the Sunday?

How would you like this to look?

Your dp defo does his share, and if he’s happy with it, let that bit go.

how did the 3.5 hour journey come about? Presumably after you got pregnant, otherwise it’s difficult to understand what you thought would happen?

So do you have DSC every other weekend, or 1 weekend a month?
To be honest, you knew the set up when you both chose to have a baby together, so it is what it is I suppose.

I assume the kid travels 3 weekends a month as he’s with them mon-fri every week but only 1 weekend a month, so the mum must do the travel on one of the Sundays

Your DP sounds like he pulls his weight and you both get respite every day by splitting the care of your baby.

Your DP's son needs to be collected and that is a priority over more down time for either of you.

Presuming DSS's mum won't share the journey (or is she already splitting it, if he only picks up every other Sunday?), the only other option you have is to collect DSS yourself sometimes (presuming you have a strong enough relationship for him to be comfortable with this arrangement). Your DH will still need to have 1:1 time with his eldest though, so this might make things trickier overall.

On a slightly side note, how does the 13 yr old feel about spending 7 hours of his time each week in a car?

Ah ok, thanks for that. I’m easily confused at the moment!

I guess your dp works fully time, does night wakes and all that driving?!

I think he deserves a medal tbh

As for you I think you are being very selfish because essentially you are coming on here to seek advice on how we can make the guy do more

Your weekend isn’t your own when you have kids. You don’t deserve constant daily respite either 😆 bloody hell

In this case, I’d agree with this, your DH is doing a lot (as he should), and you knew the deal before you had your own child. This arrangement means you get time with DD on your own, for one thing. Also your DSS needs his dad, particularly at a tricky age too.

What are you suggesting as an alternative?

I really don’t think it’s fair that now the dad has a new baby and the step mum wants more fairness, the 13 year old should loose the time with his dad when it’s already shit being split between 2 parents living hours apart…. And spend that time alone on a a train instead

Why is he doing all the travelling?
Is he being paid maintenance?
This is life when you have a child with a man with children.
You come second and third to his existing child.
7 hours driving sounds horrendous for both him and his poor son.

He is not doing all the travelling

Well if he is sharing the travelling and always has been pre children, then you had a child with him knowing this.
Not sure what can be done.

to confirm as I think there is confusion
3.5 hours are going to get DSS from house and 3.5 hours bringing DSS back.

I have no suggestions so people asking me what the alternative is, I don’t have any hence my post…. Duh.

For the people saying “surely you should be happy you get to be with DD alone” I love my daughter more than anyone can imagine but we are alone all day everyday, it’s not unusual to want to be able to spend time with DD and others too. Also to the person who said becoming a parent means you get not respite, I’m really sorry that has been your experience. My DP and I decided on shifts when DD was newborn to allow us to both get long stretches of sleep. However I find I’m not getting much time with everyone else. I have a few hours and then it’s my bedtime.
My DP and I are in general pretty good at trying to give eachother a bit of time whether that be going to the gym, having a bath, taking the dog for a walk. However I find at the moment I don’t seem to be getting many of those moments however DP is better at keeping his (more a me problem than him). But what I am saying is with those weekends and the bits of me time my DP is having (which I do not object to, I am feeling a bit lonely).

Train posts - whilst this is a good idea DSS doesn’t like getting the train so isn’t an option. I don’t think there really is a better option but at least I could vent for a moment x

@Overthewaytwice if we are classing me going up to bed and straight to sleep respite then fair enough, but I don’t feel it at the moment.
I agree DP does one hell of a good job nobody is denying that

That’s a good shout in the picking up myself, I may put that idea forward! Thank you

Yes that’s correct so it’s the 3 of us.

Yes that’s a good idea I just feel awful like that’s the only day DD gets the both of us to do kiddy activities. It’s a double ended sword really…
I’m just really used to routine and structure and I’m struggling to gather my brain cells together to find a way that works for all of us that gives us both a small break when needed. I’m probably asking for the impossible 😅

The only suggestion would be whether the journeys could be shared with the other parent. Meeting half way rather than dad doing the full journey. If that isn't possible, things should carry on as they are. He sounds like a good dad who is prioritising both his children, not just his new baby/ partner.

What kiddy activities is your 4 month old doing? Honestly she doesn’t care either way at that age!