Thoughts about bills ......

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

Hi, I could do with some advice/thoughts on this situation please!

I moved in with my partner three years ago. He owns the house (four bed semi) and it's mortgage free. His two children come every other weekend Fri - Mon and one day for dinner when not with us over the weekend, and half of all the school holidays and inset days.

I've worked out we have the two children around 115 days of the year. My partner doesn't pay much maintenance towards the children as their mum is on a higher salary than he is.

The bills in the house are quite high and I don't know how this all works tbh... I don't want to be tight or nit picky about things but I do feel like I'm subsidising the kids and him a bit tbh!

I was spending way less money before when I was living on my own and had a mortgage and paid all my own bills!

Thanks

We do have a joint account, we both just put £500 in it whenever it runs out so absolutely no record taking of who spent what.
Out of this, all household bills are paid and food (mainly for just us, but I often do a food shop for all of us and never say anything or calculate how much was on the kids). Things like flights, occasional socialising, dinners out etc, just for us as a couple.

So you have a joint account that you don’t actually know what all the money is spent on, but think that increased bills due to your DH’s kids are the problem?

You're getting a great deal. It would cost you more than double that to pay rent and bills on a 1 bed flat where I live.
The house is his, and presumably it's rent free because of money he has put in. That doesn't entitle you to live in rent free too, which seems to be your expectation.
Look at the money you're subsidising his kids as your rent.
P.s. I'm a step patent, hope that qualifies my answer for you.

You can't separate the no mortgage/ rent from the bill share.

You're either one team/family or you're not.

You can't be one team/family when it benefits you (no rent), but not one team/family when there's a cost to you (his kids visits).

If you're not one team/family, you need to pay market rent, but only need to pay your exact share of the bills.

If you are one team/family, you benefit from his assets by not paying rent, but you split all the family costs equally.

You basically have a what's yours is shared, what's mine is mine attitude to your lives.

That is a huge amount for bills. £3000 for a four bed house is extortionate.

How could 50% of bills be so high? Stepparent here, always paid 50% of rent/mortgage (and all of the house deposit), seemed petty to quibble. I don’t see how you have a leg to stand on if you’re living rent free. What happened to the proceeds of your house sale (why did you sell rather than rent it out??)

We don't live together but I would be happy to split household bills 50:50 if we did. Rent or mortgage I'd expect him to pay proportionally more as we wouldn't need another bedroom if it wasn't for his DD.
How on earth is £1k-£1.5k a month only covering half of food and essential bills though? Do you all bath in champagne??

He should be paying more to account for his DC

My partner lives rent and mortgage free too...

in the house he has paid for (in some way)

You however are living for free - sure you pay bills and food, but what do you pay towards the roof over your head? If you were male you would be called a cocklodger... I'll leave it to you to work out what the female version is

It’s just some food. Honestly. I’m a step parent and I buy all the food round ours really , plus half the bills . I also own more of the house and I think what you should be worrying about it the fact that really you have nothing without him!

Here we go again. Step parent gets involved with someone in full knowledge that they have kids, and inevitably resents the costs of them eating and washing. Not long now until the stepparent tries to muscle in on the ownership of this juicy mortgage free house. Certainly sitting there calculating how many days per year they spend at the (father's) house makes them feel welcome.

DH and I have a joint bank account. All bills paid from there.
I didn't really notice any great changes to bills once SC moved out. I think you're experiencing cost of living rises.

The costs are for the parent to bear. Unless the SP expressly wants to contribute.

So pay 1/3 of the bills, buy your own food and pay him market rates for renting.

I’m a step parent and husband and I pay everything 50:50 at our house. Husband pays the child maintenance to kids mum.

It might be helpful for you to take daily meter readings at the same time each day on all your meters for a month and see how much difference the different numbers of occupiers each day makes.

Generally, non food bills aren’t actually that dependent on how many people are in a property. Theyre more dependent on the premises and the lifestyle.

eg. Heating costs the same regardless of number of people there. Oven costs the same to run regardless of whether dinner for two or five in it. Insurance costs difference negligible variation on human residents. Council tax is the same once you hit two adults. Broadband is the same. Electricity tends to be low for non cooking / heating uses so charging extra devices etc is pennies. Electric showers can make a noticeable difference with residents. A 10kW shower for 30 mins is 5kWhrs so about £1.60.

Your frustration is evident, but if food is already split out then I’d be surprised if the extra people make anywhere near as much difference as you think they might. It’s maybe a more expensive home to run, and also cost of living has sky rocketed over last few years.

Not to put the cat amongst the pigeons but are you definitely only contributing towards 50% of the bills - seems very high to me!

Do you have a smart meter? If so it would be very easy to look and see how much energy you’re using on days/ weeks the kids aren’t there compared to days they’re not and to work out how much, on average, they’re costing in gas & electricity. From there you can work out if it’s enough extra, over the year, to be worth raising with your partner. You may be surprised that actually they’re not really costing that much more and that it’s not worth raising over a few hundred pounds, on the other hand you might find they are significantly adding to the bills and that it does feel reasonable to raise it.

As an aside you also don’t say how much either of you earns which is probably relevant, if he’s earning a lot more than you 50/50 may be unfair anyway if it leaves him with a lot more money left over than you. If it is feeling unfair maybe it’s a good time to sit down and discuss finances in more detail.

We are not rent / mortgage free but have always paid half the bills despite DH having two children from a previous relationship that have both visited & lived with us at times over the years. Never crossed my mind to think about the gas & electric they used.

Those bills sound really high-£1000/1500 just for your half, without rent/mortgage?! Why are they so high?

I think it's fair for you to pay half on bills, but he should be paying more for food.

I'd be more worried that you've sold your house. If you split up, will you have to start over from scratch?

Step parent here, but with an older dss living with us full time (his mum died)
I think you need to sit down and take a look at the actual bills. Yes, food bills can become expensive for 2 teenagers, but that still doesn't explain why the other bills are so high (unless you're paying for mobile phone bills etc on your broadband package for example.)My own son is 23 and doesn't live at home anymore. When he was teenage, food definitely disappeared at an alarming rate.
So, my advice, take a look at the actual bills and how your finances contribute to those bills. Then look at what food etc is actually costing and what you're getting for your money before the resentment gets out of hand. Then, when you've got the facts, you may need to look at the division differently, especially as the 'kids' get to 18 and beyond. I think you need to check that you're not actually paying more than 50% without realising it (food shops can add up very quickly if you're buying 'bits and pieces' rather than doing a main shop)

I’m a stepparent OP and I can see where you’re coming from. You used to have more money whilst building an asset in your own property and now you’re not building anything and the money is going into the ether via wasteful utility use.

I suppose the silver lining here is you probably don’t have much time left with SC before they’re off to uni?

What happened to the proceeds from your house? If you’re building an investment portfolio, you live mortgage free and the kids will fly the nest in a few years, I’d suck it up.

Have you broached this with your husband?

The thing that jumps out to me is your attitude towards the kids. Do you not see it as their home too? They seem to be an annoyance rather than part of your family. If they're part of the family you shouldn't be counting the pennies they use it's just part of the household use

Yeah. And apparently he didn’t pay much child support as the mum earns a lot. Child support is based on the dad’s income not the mums. He should be paying more!

I think it would be useful for you to sit and work out the annual electric, gas and water to see if it's really those build that are making up the majority of your monthly expenses
Aldi with nothing that everything was sooooo much cheaper three years ago so it will feel like you are paying a lot more.
If expect him to do the food shop for the weekends when they come over and also to remind them to try and be mindful about the amount of water and power they use. Not nagging just a reminder.