Been offered a brilliant promotion but..

[Primalicecream]

Would really really value advice from others who’ve been in a similar situation. A senior colleague is retiring next summer and I’m being strongly encouraged to apply for their role, so that I can shadow them for a few months beforehand and they can recruit in my place. It’s my dream job and there’s a significant pay increase. It’s likely that if I put my name forward, I’ll get it. It will, however require a move to be nearer our offices - a city around an hours train journey from where we are now. We are in a position to be able to sell our current home and buy one in new location. DH happy to move, and up until now, my DC and SC have all been open to the idea- quite excited by it because there’s lots more going on in new city, things to do when they visit, or for the 3 still at home, more job opportunities for them , etc. DSD(17) who is the youngest, has just said she doesn’t want to go. She wants to stay on at her current FE college when her course finishes and do another year ( foundation year) there, before going to uni. She doesn’t have a particularly close friendship group, and she only sees her mum every 6 weeks or so for the day, we think the main challenge for her is the idea of change.
We can delay the move til next summer but not by another year. This kind of job opportunity isn’t likely to come up again any time soon.
Friends who aren’t step parents are telling me we should just go ahead with the move. My friends in particular know I’ve turned down lots of opportunities to stay in the area my SC grew up in ( it’s not where I’m from, I have no ties here) and are really supportive. But I just feel really guilty for putting my DSD through a change that she might find difficult. We have a good relationship but it’s taken a lot of work to build trust. What should I do?

You should go for the job.

I’d move.

How many SC and DC are there, and how old are they? Could DSD stay with an older sibling for a year, funded by you and your husband?

I wouldn’t move her. Can you delay until next year and then maybe use the pay increase to rent a tiny flat or room (or hotel) until you can do the move?

My dad did this for a bit until it was a better time for everyone to move.

Surely she’s not in college every day so can’t she just travel for that last year? You can’t turn down that type of opportunity based around an adult child wanting to keep their life easier!

If you have the kids full time then treat them you would your own. If your DC was refusing to go would you honestly still go?
If yes then there's your answer.

I’d tell her you’ll commute until next summer and then she’ll have to move and either commute back or go to a new college/uni. She’ll probably come round given time.

Go for the job!
I am a step parent and I absolutely would go for the job. At 17 she could change her mind about anything, suddenly drop out of college, get a boyfriend, decide on a new career change etc and you will regret it for the rest of your life if you base your decision around her. At 17, she is incapable of making sound decisions on family finances and careers. I mean this in the kindest possible way but teenagers are selfish and will always put themselves first!
You are never going to please everyone in a large household but as the parent, it is your responsibility to make decisions in the best interest of EVERYONE long-term.

Go for the job

Can you commute temporarily? Or take a room close to work, again temporarily? Or a room where you are for her for next year?

Find solutions that work for both of you!

She’s an adult at college so she can commute to college from the new town or stay in digs near college

(& I wouldn't actually discuss those solutions with the whole family until the job becomes a reality, don't stretch out the uncertainty for her, wait until.it is an actual thing that needs planning).

Sometimes children need to do what works best for the parents and the family overall. That is the same for your own children as well as step children. If you would do the same if it was your own children not wanting to move, then you are not treating her differently than you would your own, and that is the key. But be gentle and perhaps put support in place for her; she may be struggling with her relationship with her own mother and this might stem from that.

An hour isn't that bad a commute for you or DSD, probably DSD should commute as they are probably doing less and shorter days.

I have step kids - now 18 and 21 - I’ve been in their lives since they were 4 and 18 months and I love them dearly.

You should absolutely go for this job. I’m v anti moving kids at key moments in their education but that’s not the case for your SD. She can do a foundation year in the new city. As you say, it’s about anxiety and you’ll do get no favours by giving in to that - much better she learns to navigate a mini change before the big change of uni. You may consider getting her some therapeutic support.

Good luck re the new job, and the new city, sounds like a fantastic new chapter all round.

So your SD will be 18 next summer? Treat her like the thousands of 18 year olds who will be off to uni. Tell her that you will delay the move until next summer and then if she wishes to study in the current college, you will either pay her commuting costs or rent a small studio flat. Or look at what student accommodation may be available to her.

Make it very clear that she will still have a bedroom in the new house. That it will be her home too. But if she wants to do a course in the current town, she commutes or lives out. Like hundreds of thousands of other young people each year.

Go for the job.

she’s 17, very nearly independent.

get the job first, then work the logistics. At worst you can commute, or rent short term and stay mon-Fri.

when she’s 18 you could even help her rent a room in a student house if she’d prefer that.

i am willing to bet though she’ll
come round eventually.

Go for the job and move if / when you get it. You are also a person and by the sounds of it DC are almost grown up and ready to leave the nest.
Honestly at 17 she's going to do her own thing anyway. She can change her mind in an instant.

Just think about the resentment: she's decided to do a foundation course at far away uni instead of college or she decided to go for an apprenticeship in the same town as your job would have been...

Yes this is sensible

I would also let work know that you need to know in a timely fashion so you can sort all this out -

Can you stay until her course finishes? she can do a foundation year at your new city.
I wouldn’t hold up everyone’s advantageous future for this

If it's only an hour by train to the new job I think you could stay put

Couldn’t you do the hours commute for another year? Then move?

If you can move when she’s finished college then wait for that. Unless she could stay with her DM, depending why she only sees her occasionally.

If the job is only an hour away, why can't you commute for a year or so? Definitely go for the job, but consider how you can make short term compromises to make it work while your DSD can finish her course.

My husband commutes an hour everyday. why up root her now?

Why when everyone else in the family wants to move?

Educationally she’s also at a good point to move.

Why does she get a right of veto?

Get the job then look at when to move

At 17 she could change her mind endless times before you would actually move

I like the idea upthread about delay the move but then when she is 18 pay her commute costs,rent accommodation for her and she gets a room in your new home as it's her home too

Don't miss out on a fab job - she's 17 -she may just be scared of the changes especially Italy leaving friends behind