Been offered a brilliant promotion but..

[Primalicecream]

Would really really value advice from others who’ve been in a similar situation. A senior colleague is retiring next summer and I’m being strongly encouraged to apply for their role, so that I can shadow them for a few months beforehand and they can recruit in my place. It’s my dream job and there’s a significant pay increase. It’s likely that if I put my name forward, I’ll get it. It will, however require a move to be nearer our offices - a city around an hours train journey from where we are now. We are in a position to be able to sell our current home and buy one in new location. DH happy to move, and up until now, my DC and SC have all been open to the idea- quite excited by it because there’s lots more going on in new city, things to do when they visit, or for the 3 still at home, more job opportunities for them , etc. DSD(17) who is the youngest, has just said she doesn’t want to go. She wants to stay on at her current FE college when her course finishes and do another year ( foundation year) there, before going to uni. She doesn’t have a particularly close friendship group, and she only sees her mum every 6 weeks or so for the day, we think the main challenge for her is the idea of change.
We can delay the move til next summer but not by another year. This kind of job opportunity isn’t likely to come up again any time soon.
Friends who aren’t step parents are telling me we should just go ahead with the move. My friends in particular know I’ve turned down lots of opportunities to stay in the area my SC grew up in ( it’s not where I’m from, I have no ties here) and are really supportive. But I just feel really guilty for putting my DSD through a change that she might find difficult. We have a good relationship but it’s taken a lot of work to build trust. What should I do?

Move. If an opportunity came up for her, she would drop you in heartbeat and be off following her dreams.

She is the parent of course a child would fly the nest.

Is an hours commute that bad? Plenty of people I know in London do a longer commute than that every day and it won’t be for long. Or she commutes - whichever is the easiest commute.

Take the job.

An hour isn’t really a commute, that’s how long it takes to cross London. I don’t see that you need to move immediately. Unless everyone else really wants to in which case you need to negotiate with SD.

Move

Xpost. Right.

Hi, I commuted one hour each way when I started working. It’s not a big deal. I’d let her know about the sacrifices you’ve already made and I’d definitely take the job.

I wouldn't move whilst she is still doing her college course. But a 1 hour commute for you honestly doesn't sound that bad. I've done a 10 minute drive to the station 50 minute train ride then 15 mins on the tube for several years. I just make sure I have something productive to do on the train and make sure I do it from the start of they journey.

I wouldn’t uproot everyone for the sake of being an hour closer. Just commute if you get the job.

Absolutely take the job.

Your SC's years of compulsory education end at 18.

If she wants to continue her education beyond that point, then she needs to do what every other 18 year old up and down the country does, and make a choice of where to go and what to study based on her circumstances at the time. She cannot expect or ask the rest of her family to shape their lives around her non-compulsory educational choices.

If she wants to stay on at her FE college for the foundation year, she needs to either find accommodation or be prepared to commute. An hour each way to college is not that bad - many school children in rural areas do more than that every day from the age of 11 - so if she wants to stay living with you, she's got that option. If she doesn't want to stay living with you, then she'll need to find accommodation where you currently are and apply for a student loan to pay for it.

Teenagers are incredibly selfish and they do expect the world of every adult in their lives to revolve around them far beyond the point where they can reasonably ask this of their parents. They struggle to see their parents as people with their own hopes, dreams and ambitions, and think they exist purely to serve their needs. (I'm a secondary school teacher, so I know of what I speak!)

I would, if I were you, gently and kindly and calmly explain to her that this is a dream opportunity for you, that you have waited a long time to be able to go for an opportunity like this because you have prioritised her and her siblings while they were in compulsory education, and you really want to be able to move forward with your career now all the children have grown up and will be moving on with their lives. Promise help and support to make whatever plan work and a bedroom in the new home, but make it clear that you will not be able to commit to staying where you are while she carries on her education past the age of 18.

She will then have plenty of time to get used to the idea and make a plan. As others have said, teenagers are so changeable anyway - this is what she wants right now, but who knows what that will look like in six months or a year. Do not build your life around a fickle teenager's plans!

I would also reiterate what others have said - I wouldn't have any more discussion anyway until the job offer is on the table. I'm sure we've all been in situations where we've been promised things and been a shoo-in for a promotion and not got it. So don't count your chickens before they've hatched.

If she was half way through her course then it would be unfair of you, but as she’ll have finished the course then YANBU and she can find a foundation course nearer to you or commute. Maybe help her research college courses near the new location.

100% agree with this

Because it's only for a limited amount of time. It's important to get her qualifications for uni.

Several of my friends on my degree had done the foundation course at uni - got used to the buildings, people clubs etc and were well placed to then go stright in to the degree course. Can your SD do that?

Absolutely take the job.

But do you have to move your whole family for something only an hour away?

I’d sort the job first and commute initially and see how things turn out.

Thanks everyone for your replies.
A few people asked why I haven’t considered commuting. People absolutely do commute from where we live, but they tend to have an office / location based, 9-5 kind of role, which mine isn’t. Commuting just isn’t compatible with the work. I mentioned the train journey more with DSD in mind- she will be able to get back to see friends and her mum when she wants to.
The DSC know about the role because I mentioned to DH that colleague was retiring, and my DSS overheard and asked whether I’d be getting her job ( I love both the vote of confidence and the idea that it’s just that easy!). DS and DSS then began to talk about how good a move would be for them in terms of looking for jobs when they graduate (both still at uni). This is true, and the same will be true for DSD in due course, should she decide to come home after uni.
We really can’t afford to run two homes especially with 2 at uni ( both new city and current town are expensive places to rent in:and decent properties are scarce)
Will do as some have suggested and give DSD headspace for now but in the meantime look at foundation course options in new city and at unis she might want to go to- so we can be prepared when she’s ready to talk again.

You absolutely have to take the job. It would be crazy not to when your DSD will likely be leaving home so soon. You surely can find a way to make it work for a year and commute or part time in the new location?

Would the new house be bigger/ nicer for her? Eg bigger bedroom, en suite etc so that could sway her? Could you possibly help pay for driving lessons so she could commute to college?

is she planning to move away for uni?

Take the job no matter what. You have sacrificed enough.

Time to put yourself first and take the job

This has been a really helpful question because it’s helped me think through why I’m uneasy. I’m really close to my 2 DC ( only one still at home) and so I think they would have trusted my reasons for making the move because they have always known I have their best interests at heart. With my SC- I’ve been in their lives a long time but their own childhood experiences with their mum have been very different ( not going to share more details) and the reality is that it’s taken a long time for them to really trust me. Childhood trauma is such a complex, thing. I suspect that with DSD, some of her reaction is also a bit of a test about whether I mean what I say about loving her and being there for her.

Is the extra years course available locally to where you're moving?

It looks as though there are possibilities, but they would be at a bigger college or Uni, rather than the small college campus she currently goes to.

Take the job and move. Your DH can stay behind to support your DSD. You can both move out of current place and get two smaller places . Should be possible with your pay rise?
if it was your own DC you would probably tell them they need to move and commute if they want. You are only having this issue because it is your step child

She's old enough to get the train to college...
My ds 16 has ASD and manages the train alone. Older dc travelled between 2 homes for years via train. Cooler than a lift from a dm!!