Spiteful step daughter

[Natasha90]

My 16 year soon to be 17 year old step daughter is just making our home so miserable.
she has lived with my husband and I since she was 10 and previous to that my husbands mum
She’s had no contact with her biological mother since 8 years….

we have always over compensated and she’s always had everything she wants.

I struggled with infertility for years and was blessed with my baby boy late May after a few rounds of IVF. When we told her she was hysterical crying awful.

Ive always treated her as daughter everyone knows me as her mum. My family have all welcomed her.

NYE just gone at a family party when people was asking her if she was excited she was rude and said no she don’t want me to have the baby etc.

We have included her as much as we can gender scan, she was the first person to meet him when he was born.

i thought we had turned a corner but she ignores the baby when it’s just me and her at home. She’s off for the summer….

She has always been rude and abrupt but this is another level. We have stopped her disposal money as she was very spoilt.

She can’t keep friends this has always been the way since young. She talks over people and belittles them and then wonders why she is on her own it’s sad and I’ve always explained why this maybe however she can’t see any error in her ways.

Aged 11 when she started secondary school, within the space of 6 months she went to school covered in fake blood, faked and overdose to her friends, faked and eating disorder not normal child behaviour at all.
Then she made a friend group which was fabulous however they all self harmed, she was then stealing money and other stuff out the house.
I had been in the school several times at this point and got her cancelling to which after the 3rd session she wanted to quit because she actually said in front of me and her teachers she does it with friends for attention…

back to the baby - when people are in the house visiting etc she will be all over the baby take him off other people etc

when it’s me and her she does not give him the time of day at all. I have tried a number of things like can you watch him quick whilst I hoover etc. she calls me after a minute.

she also says when her dad comes home from work the baby has been crying all day - he hasn’t ?

she had a set of drawers in her room that have been empty for months so I said when she’s away on holiday (this week ) I will put mine in as my husband and I the baby are fighting for space in our bedroom. I’ve gone to do it and she’s filled them up…

I was gifted a food blender thing for Christmas which was being saved for when the baby was eating food. This has been discussed on several occasions literally 4 weeks prior. I went to visit family on the day I left she’s using it.

My friend bumped in to her and asked how the baby was she rolled her eyes said friend - embarrassing 😢

I know the above sounds like minor things but she’s due back tomorrow and I’m dreading it I feel so anxious.

I have tried to discuss with my husband and said about the drawers and the smoothie maker etc and he thinks I’m just being silly. When we are all here she’s in her bedroom comes down the stairs gets food / drink goes back up does not say hello etc. when we say why don’t you speak to us she says we should speak to her first!!!

I don’t know if my baby is safe around her. She keeps carrying him in to the garden on the patio and holding him with 1 hand I explain his more mobile now and keeps moving you need to hold him with 2 hands she does not listen

Poor girl.

You cannot assume that a new sibling will always be welcomed, especially with such an age gap. Trying to make them establish a bond is wrong, it will evolve in time probably but even if it doesn’t, that happens sometimes.
The attention seeking behaviour when she was younger shows she was struggling. It doesn’t matter that she admitted she wanted attention, the crucial thing here is why? She clearly was reaching out for reactions as something was missing in her life.
She has had a very fractured upbringing. Moving between three households over the years. This will have affected her emotionally.

The blender and drawers issues are non events, no reason why you needed to save a blender for the baby and no reason to keep clothes in her room, that’s her sanctuary.

Not talking g to her when she comes downstairs unless she speaks first is strange? She’s a teen, they mope about. I always greeted mine when they came downstairs and often just got a grunt back. Rarely would the acknowledge me first, teens are very wrapped up in themselves.

Poor girl. Baby comes along and her spending money is cut, you're trying to take over her bedroom by using her drawers in there and she is in trouble for using a blender?! You're still bringing up stuff she did 5 years ago, as a damaged child who had no contact with her birth mum and for some reason went to live with grandparents for 2 years instead of her father. She doesn't bother with the baby but she handles the baby wrong. She wants you to greet her but you expect her to greet you.
You don't sound very nice to be honest.

You keep saying this as if it's an excuse or a get out of jail free card for you...

It doesnt matter that shes doing it for attention with 11 other kids..... what help did you get her? Are you saying that a few counselling sessions was it?

This child showed obvious signs of being deeply disturbed from a primary school age and you did nothing.

I do have kids. Both grew up fine, thanks.

I also worked with children with serious mental health problems for many years. I have seen exactly what can happen in this scenario, hence my urging that the baby is kept safe.

She sounds like a very inconsiderate rude young lady. However she has been failed by every adult in her life. Her mum and dad for being addicts and losing care of her. Nan, mum, dad and to a certain extent you for not getting her counselling when she very clearly need it. Her behaviour at 11 was disturbing and I'm sorry it'll be alot more than her mates was doing it so she did it. I used to behave in a similar but not quite as extreme way at 12 until I was 16, I used to tell some pretty massive lies (and yes I admit my behaviour was disturbing) as a cry for help because I was being SA'd by my stepdad. Of course nobody cared why I was doing it, just cared that I was doing it. This would have been more sensible to deal with at 8, at 11 than at 16. Not too late though, .Dad needs to have a honest but gentle conversation with her and encourage her to see a therapist.

How dare you blame an 8 year old for fucking adult issues.

She sounds traumatised and FFS the school saying attention seeker … she’s had a crappy start in life, junkie parents, absent mum …. She probably feels abandonment. Self harm is common and not to be ignored, she should have care and proper support IMO.

you’re also putting the baby ahead of her, like it or not, taking away her furniture … buy more, face book market place etc if you don’t have spare money, and the blender thing is really shitty if you