Spiteful step daughter

[Natasha90]

My 16 year soon to be 17 year old step daughter is just making our home so miserable.
she has lived with my husband and I since she was 10 and previous to that my husbands mum
She’s had no contact with her biological mother since 8 years….

we have always over compensated and she’s always had everything she wants.

I struggled with infertility for years and was blessed with my baby boy late May after a few rounds of IVF. When we told her she was hysterical crying awful.

Ive always treated her as daughter everyone knows me as her mum. My family have all welcomed her.

NYE just gone at a family party when people was asking her if she was excited she was rude and said no she don’t want me to have the baby etc.

We have included her as much as we can gender scan, she was the first person to meet him when he was born.

i thought we had turned a corner but she ignores the baby when it’s just me and her at home. She’s off for the summer….

She has always been rude and abrupt but this is another level. We have stopped her disposal money as she was very spoilt.

She can’t keep friends this has always been the way since young. She talks over people and belittles them and then wonders why she is on her own it’s sad and I’ve always explained why this maybe however she can’t see any error in her ways.

Aged 11 when she started secondary school, within the space of 6 months she went to school covered in fake blood, faked and overdose to her friends, faked and eating disorder not normal child behaviour at all.
Then she made a friend group which was fabulous however they all self harmed, she was then stealing money and other stuff out the house.
I had been in the school several times at this point and got her cancelling to which after the 3rd session she wanted to quit because she actually said in front of me and her teachers she does it with friends for attention…

back to the baby - when people are in the house visiting etc she will be all over the baby take him off other people etc

when it’s me and her she does not give him the time of day at all. I have tried a number of things like can you watch him quick whilst I hoover etc. she calls me after a minute.

she also says when her dad comes home from work the baby has been crying all day - he hasn’t ?

she had a set of drawers in her room that have been empty for months so I said when she’s away on holiday (this week ) I will put mine in as my husband and I the baby are fighting for space in our bedroom. I’ve gone to do it and she’s filled them up…

I was gifted a food blender thing for Christmas which was being saved for when the baby was eating food. This has been discussed on several occasions literally 4 weeks prior. I went to visit family on the day I left she’s using it.

My friend bumped in to her and asked how the baby was she rolled her eyes said friend - embarrassing 😢

I know the above sounds like minor things but she’s due back tomorrow and I’m dreading it I feel so anxious.

I have tried to discuss with my husband and said about the drawers and the smoothie maker etc and he thinks I’m just being silly. When we are all here she’s in her bedroom comes down the stairs gets food / drink goes back up does not say hello etc. when we say why don’t you speak to us she says we should speak to her first!!!

I don’t know if my baby is safe around her. She keeps carrying him in to the garden on the patio and holding him with 1 hand I explain his more mobile now and keeps moving you need to hold him with 2 hands she does not listen

So now you’ve had a baby, and she feels pushed out again - I’m not saying you’re pushing her out, but both her parents now have a new family

So from your step daughter's perspective, her mum finally cleaned up her act, started over without her, and went on to have children 'right' when she didn't do it for her.

Now she sees her dad, who also cleaned up his act and met and married you, and went on to have a nice life without her for years. And now he, too, has a 'new baby' to get it all right with from the beginning.

The acting out at schools 'for attention' are seriously concerning as well, especially as she openly states it. And she's actively making sure the baby doesn't come first at home in anything (drawers, blender, etc) while pretending to outsiders she's delighted baby is there.

She needs more then counselling. She needs therapy and some serious help here.

And no, don't leave the baby alone with her.

These guys are great, they are based in Sussex:

beaconhouse.org.uk

I'm sorry for you OP that MN is doing the usual thing of piling on a perfectly reasonable and caring step mum. Unfortunately, you've been dealt a shitty SD. While admittedly her behaviour cam be explained by her hardship, that is no excuse and it's time for her to stop playing the victim and grow up.

I just understand how she can be so nasty when all I do is try my best

But she’s still a confused child, so you can’t assume adult reasoning when trying to understand her motives.

Has she been tested for Autism? She’s certainly showing a few traits similar to one of my DC who has been diagnosed. If she’s ND, that will add a whole other level to her ability to rationalise her feelings.

Teenage years plus new sibling after being an only child. This is all topped off by her biological mother totally abandoning at 8 years old! I don’t know how you ever get over the latter?

Snap oldest 19 the same.shes now decided me and her siblings are dead to her ......

If I was 16 and my parents had a new baby after being an only child for my whole life I’d feel pretty annoyed and left out too!! Her feelings are understandable.

Why do you expect her to watch your baby? It wasn’t her choice to have him - he’s not her responsibility and I highly disagree with older children being forced to babysit/look after younger siblings. You’re basically asking for resentment.

It was daughters decision for her to stop contact

I’m not asking her to watch him whilst I go out I’m trying to get them to bond if you read the post I say to her can you watch him whilst I hoover m.

he does not need watching but I’m trying to get her involved as to include her

It was daughters decision for her to stop contact

Did her father really not get her proper counselling when she made that decision?

Wow OP was this really the only bloke you could have got off with?? He really wasn’t much of a catch for you.

An 8 year old can't and should not make a decision to cut off contact with a parent. It's too big for them.

And this is a perfect example of the absolute derogatory bullshit rolled out on the SP in regards to children that have been significantly traumatised because of the actions or lack of actions of the adults responsible for their care.

I am so grateful that child psychology has moved to a place that isn't routed in this simplistic bullshit. But posts like this just show how many adults really arent people who should be parents.

I hope to god you don’t have children.

She has gone through a lot. She needs positive attention therapy, love and clear boundaries.

This! 👏
such absolute thick weirdos that should never have children and I really hope they don’t.

Oh yes, just what a ‘disturbed’ young girl needs. To be shoved out of her home now a new baby arrives!

This poor child has suffered significant trauma with subsequent attachment issues.

See it like this: Both her parents were addicts. They split. The courts get involved. She lived with her nan. Dad meets a new (much younger by the sounds of it) partner. Mum meets new partner has another child. Girl moves in with dad and his partner and is effectively an only child til 16. Now has a new baby sibling. Feels pushed out/unwelcome in her home as evidenced by parents trying to put baby's items and their items in her bedroom. Isn't allowed to use kitchen items as they're "for the baby's food". And on top of all this seeming has inconsistent parenting with unclear boundaries (by your own admission you were spoiling her, that's now stopped, but you're still paying for some things. Hell, even I'm confused). And you seem to have done/be doing most of the parenting not her actual dad. That's going to feel like rejection on top of rejection on top of rejection.

None of the above excuses bad behaviour but it really does explain it. Your step daughter has had an incredibly rough ride throughout her childhood. She needs support in the form of therapy/counselling. And she needs to be parented by her own father. It's good that you've done so much to be a mum to her but what's her actual dad doing for her/with her other than giving her money and a room?

As social services have previously been involved (placing her with her nan, addict parents) then I'd also be minded to contact them to see what support they can offer. But I'd definitely start with finding a therapist that specialises in childhood trauma for her. I'd also suggest you and your husband having some form of family counselling/therapy to support you through this, deal with past chaos, and to help you both better parent your daughter and your baby son.

It sounds like you’ve tried really hard with GCSE’s and spending time with her.
Teen years are difficult and I’m not surprised at all about her behaviour considering all she’s been through. Don’t underestimate how much it will have messed her up.
Her dad needs to be there for her too. She needs therapy and lots of positive attention and support. Firm boundaries and family time.
You have done great to support her through GCSEs etc. it’s really tough but just remember she is a child and it isn’t her fault. This is her parents fault. You and her dad can help to fix this x

She will always take things out on the person / people she trusts and is close to the most. It feels shit but it’s simply because she is closest to you.

Stop asking her to mind the baby. Let their relationship grow organically.

I Don’t understand why you didn’t think about the drawer situation. That was an odd thing for you to want to do.

she’s had a ton of trauma in her life. She needs to be spending time with her dad and he needs to be the driving force behind helping her.

Can you really not see how this is hard for her?

the examples from her childhood make it sound like she has real issues… but the draws and the blender sound like you see the issue.

Your husband should be the one to reassure her and make sure she feels loved and supported in such a massive change.

She is a child also...are you seriously suggesting they tell a 16 year old to move out?

Youre battling against an early childhood with neglect and drug addiction. It'll be really tricky to deal with now