Spiteful step daughter

[Natasha90]

My 16 year soon to be 17 year old step daughter is just making our home so miserable.
she has lived with my husband and I since she was 10 and previous to that my husbands mum
She’s had no contact with her biological mother since 8 years….

we have always over compensated and she’s always had everything she wants.

I struggled with infertility for years and was blessed with my baby boy late May after a few rounds of IVF. When we told her she was hysterical crying awful.

Ive always treated her as daughter everyone knows me as her mum. My family have all welcomed her.

NYE just gone at a family party when people was asking her if she was excited she was rude and said no she don’t want me to have the baby etc.

We have included her as much as we can gender scan, she was the first person to meet him when he was born.

i thought we had turned a corner but she ignores the baby when it’s just me and her at home. She’s off for the summer….

She has always been rude and abrupt but this is another level. We have stopped her disposal money as she was very spoilt.

She can’t keep friends this has always been the way since young. She talks over people and belittles them and then wonders why she is on her own it’s sad and I’ve always explained why this maybe however she can’t see any error in her ways.

Aged 11 when she started secondary school, within the space of 6 months she went to school covered in fake blood, faked and overdose to her friends, faked and eating disorder not normal child behaviour at all.
Then she made a friend group which was fabulous however they all self harmed, she was then stealing money and other stuff out the house.
I had been in the school several times at this point and got her cancelling to which after the 3rd session she wanted to quit because she actually said in front of me and her teachers she does it with friends for attention…

back to the baby - when people are in the house visiting etc she will be all over the baby take him off other people etc

when it’s me and her she does not give him the time of day at all. I have tried a number of things like can you watch him quick whilst I hoover etc. she calls me after a minute.

she also says when her dad comes home from work the baby has been crying all day - he hasn’t ?

she had a set of drawers in her room that have been empty for months so I said when she’s away on holiday (this week ) I will put mine in as my husband and I the baby are fighting for space in our bedroom. I’ve gone to do it and she’s filled them up…

I was gifted a food blender thing for Christmas which was being saved for when the baby was eating food. This has been discussed on several occasions literally 4 weeks prior. I went to visit family on the day I left she’s using it.

My friend bumped in to her and asked how the baby was she rolled her eyes said friend - embarrassing 😢

I know the above sounds like minor things but she’s due back tomorrow and I’m dreading it I feel so anxious.

I have tried to discuss with my husband and said about the drawers and the smoothie maker etc and he thinks I’m just being silly. When we are all here she’s in her bedroom comes down the stairs gets food / drink goes back up does not say hello etc. when we say why don’t you speak to us she says we should speak to her first!!!

I don’t know if my baby is safe around her. She keeps carrying him in to the garden on the patio and holding him with 1 hand I explain his more mobile now and keeps moving you need to hold him with 2 hands she does not listen

Hey,

in defo going to look in to support today and I will need to be strict that she has to attend.

she is on holiday with a friend and their parents - I know there have been a few issues so that will need to be discussed when back

Poor girl, she sounds deeply unhappy. Sounds like she needs a lot of love, patience, kindness and time to heal. Plus specialist intensive therapy as others have said.

I’ve banned her from using kitchen items so the baby uses them first, you want to put clothes in her bedroom and space that aren’t hers and you’ve cut her allowance.
shes confused angry and feels pushed out. Not sure what you expected. She doesn’t sound spiteful she sounds confused

Op I think you are still minimising her behaviour, smoking weed at 16 is not normal teenage behaviour

You sound a bit precious over the baby (blender not to be used for months because it’s for the baby’s purée?) and you’re not very clued up with regards to parenting a teenager.

It’s totally normal for an older sibling to resent a new baby so your expectations of her as a step daughter with no mum in the picture, to get on and play at happy families was naive at best.

Have you considered looking for some parenting classes to learn to communicate better with her and how to listen to her? Giving stuff to a child does not equal love and hopefully you’ve now learnt that trying to buy her love and affection won’t work.

i will openly admit i am the main parent for her all school meetings shopping periods nails we have gone through everything together.

No wonder she's scared. She has no feeling of security from her father and now the person who has chosen to be the most consistent in her life has their own child.

Poor girl is likely terrified and just waiting to be kicked out your life.

in defo going to look in to support today and I will need to be strict that she has to attend.

Her father needs to be strict that she attends.

He needs to step up here.

Yes, why was she with her grandmother for 10 years? Where was her father then?

Poor kid.

She was abandoned by her parents as a baby, and now has to watch both of her parents be able to raise her siblings.

She's bound to be wondering why they couldn't raise her.

Ok the drawers did not go in her room whilst she was away

The blender was not in the kitchen it was away on a storage in cupboard we have a perfectly working blender in the kitchen that she has never used in her life

There has been many issues before I was even pregnant… lying stealing etc I have tried to get her help and she laughs and says she does it for attention.

yes we spoilt her but I have shown her nothing but love and respect.

on many occasions she has lied between me and her dad and then when we tell her off ground her take her phone off her to reprimand her she’s sobs and screams for days on end.

I have just gotten her through all of her GCSE’s say with her from the age of 3 reading writing every parents evening, every college induction. Yet she still talks to me like in stupid.

you and I could be having a conversion about anything and she will interrupt and talk over even argue with you if she does not believe you.

i have included her as much as I can, my mums had the baby so we can go out nails shopping etc she’s happy then but when it’s back to normal family life she’s not.

what am I expected to do give my baby up?

OP, I think you all need counseling. Your (step)daughter needs her own counseling and you need counseling as a family.

I appreciate you wanted to compensate for the shit she has gone through when she was very young, but I think you and your husband handled it badly. Instead of giving her what she was missing, you have spoiled her. What she needed was love, stability, structure and boundaries. She never got it, not from her bio-mum, not from her dad and not from you. The adults in her life have failed her badly. It must also have been really frightening to see both her parents constantly under influence and to not be able to rely on them. Now she has been displaced by a younger sibling three times in her life.

Just a fraction of all of the above would be enough to mess with anyone's head. It's late days, but you need to start being a parent to her. She needs to learn she can rely on you and her father; that you will be consistent in your behavior towards her. You and your husband also need to be aligned in this. You also need help.

Everyone is picking up on the blender issue because it is SO strange . Don’t use a blender - a piece of kitchen equipment before I use it for the baby ???? I’d probably have used it myself to annoy you to be honest . And I’m not a messed up teen !!!
I would be seriously concerned for this child’s mental health . There’s very little mention of her dad here . And in fairness to you , other than the blender and the drawers example, you seem to be trying your best .
This kid needs therapy and to be smothered in love , affection and kindness . Too many young people end their own lives . She sounds so troubled and my heart breaks for her .
Get dad on board more !

I remember your previous thread on this from when the baby was due. I think a lot of people pointed out how awful it was that your husband let his mother raise his child for ten years rather than stepping up as a father. He really has created this situation himself.

I think it’s really unreasonable to insist on taking a draw from the daughter’s room for yourself.

It also sounds pretty normal for a 15/16 year old to be less than interested in hanging around with a new baby.

If you think so badly of her then you are unreasonable to expect her to watch your baby, that is the job of an adult.

The nails together was a positive, she was happy when spending one on one time with you. That is really good!

She's showing you what she needs. No, nobody is saying give up your baby.

What does her dad do with her one on one? Could they start a hobby together?

You can do simple things like watch shows together when baby is in bed. Find out what she is into and do it with her, both dad and you.

Also start slowly introducing her to do things with baby. Fun things like bath time, make it fun with toys and splashing. Singing stupid songs that step daughter will understand, and make in jokes that baby has no idea. Bedtime stories, some don't agree but 'go th fuck to sleep' is hilarious and could really get your step daughter on board maybe.

She is crying out for attention. And has shown you how she can be when she gets it.

Therapy for you all, more one on one with her and I think you'll see things can change.

She's been through so much, and I really feel for her. I read somewhere that teens basically revert to being toddlers, but also need to find their way in the world, and that's difficult for any teen.

Please don't give up on her, you sound like you've been here only constant and she's genuinely worried you're going to abandon her too. It's a lot to put on a step mum, and I can feel your frustration. But I can also see through that, that you want to help.

I've also found that when I'm frustrated, chatgpt is good to use to talk through how I'm feeling, and how my teen is likely feeling. It gives chance to calm down, and really good advice on what to do next.

Reading between the lines, I don't think you're a bad person, or a bad step mum. You can get through this, it's just time and patience.

No, you're expected to recognise that you're not a qualified professional and this child needs that.

You are making this all about you - all about what you've done, about what you expected and how you feel.

This is a child who should have been in proper therapy years ago.

my husband and the biological mum was on substances before when she was pregnant they stopped he stayed clean she didn’t.

They separated we got together very soon.

for those saying why did the nan have her, would you send a young child to an ex user and his 20 year old girlfriend?

Husband has never touched a drug since, has turned his life around and is now very successful.

we had daughter every weekend without fail. Only to pause when we went on our honeymoon. Me or husband would be doing reading spelling etc every day. Summer holidays was spent together.

she then was becoming very aggressive towards her nan at the age of 10 she was hitting her… yes looking back this was the start of alarm bells her nan said she could not cope and she came to live with us.

since then it’s been a constant every 3 months her acting out to get a reaction.

I was never open about the last 2 rounds of IVF because of multiple failures before.

I have never changed towards to her since the babe never asked her to help etc. I had my baby c section on the Thursday and was cooking her dinner on the Friday.

yes the blender and drawers are a minor I just understand how she can be so nasty when all I do is try my best

I have never changed towards to her since the babe never asked her to help etc. I had my baby c section on the Thursday and was cooking her dinner on the Friday.

Wtf, where was her dad?

He sounds like a total deadbeat tbh.

for those saying why did the nan have her, would you send a young child to an ex user and his 20 year old girlfriend?

Just because it was the right decision practically at the time doesn't mean it won't have had an impact on her.

She was abandoned by both of her parents - her mother completely and her father for a while. That has a lasting impact.

we had daughter every weekend without fail. Only to pause when we went on our honeymoon. Me or husband would be doing reading spelling etc every day. Summer holidays was spent together.

That still doesn't negate the impact of her feeling rejected by her parents.

she then was becoming very aggressive towards her nan at the age of 10 she was hitting her… yes looking back this was the start of alarm bells her nan said she could not cope and she came to live with us.

Her father failed her again by not getting her into proper therapy at that point.

Her father also had no place trying for more children while repeatedly failing to get help for his Dd. He should have been getting her properly therapy before even considering IVF.

I think this feels all too much for you, because you were groomed and ended up with a druggie when you were so young.
Now you have a baby, you are seeing some of your stepdaughters trauma being really triggered and she is definitely being tricky.
Like usual, it seems to be down to you to navigate it because your partner is so useless.

The kids that need the most love and support, often ask for it in the most unloving of ways sadly.

I think spending more quality time with her and reminding her that she is still important to you, will go furthest.

She's clearly a massive attention beg and no doubt devasted that the attention at home will no longer be focused solely on her.

But she's also going to be dealing with a lot of stuff. Wondering why her biological mother doesn't want a relationship with her. A lack of friends at a time when most kids are forming strong bonds.

She may be worried that she's not fully a part of this new family unit. You're focusing on the baby at a time when you're presumably giving her more autonomy as she's getting older...someone who craves attention might take that as being cast aside. Her mum has already abandoned her, now her dad and step mum are too.

The horse has probably bolted on this but you do need to think about the overcompensating. If she's constantly getting her own way and her whims catered to, it's no surprise she's acting high and mighty around her peers. There's probably not much you can do about that now if she's burned her bridges.

Is she planning on going to Uni? That might be the fresh start she needs.

The rest of the stuff you're describing though...the eye rolling, the draws, living in her room and being anti-social...that's teenager stuff.

Christ OP, you were 20? I felt sorry for your step daughter because it’s clear she has shit parents and a step mum who calls her spiteful just because she is acting up due to unresolved trauma, but now I feel sorry for you too. Your husband is an awful person.

surely social services were involved at the start due to the drugs etc

you are what 35 surely you aren’t so naive as these posts are making out that with what is clearly a very damaged young girl and the expectations you had that somehow miraculously the relationship between her and her baby brother would be fine

You need to seek guidance on how to parent her, your husband needs to step up because where is he in this?

You do realise that when she joined the group of self-harming friends, it was probably the first time she felt fully accepted and part of a group? When she said she just wanted attention, that should have been a clear signal that she needed more specialist therapy, not cancelling her counselling. She has been let down and left feeling insecure by every single adult in her life. You may not have intended that when you had your son, but that's how she has interpreted it. She needs help and support, sooner rather than later. You can focus on building her relationship with her brother once she's feeling safer.

At 20 you got together with a newly-separated, newly-clean junkie with a daughter? A daughter that you’re apparently the main parent for?

yeah, everyone needs therapy.

To you she may be your daughter but that doesn't mean you are her mum to her. My df died when I was a child my stepfather came into my life when I was a child. I am I'm my 50s now my stepfather refers to me as his daughter, to me he is my late mother's husband. The girl needs help and she is not getting it, surely you can see that.