Spiteful step daughter

[Natasha90]

My 16 year soon to be 17 year old step daughter is just making our home so miserable.
she has lived with my husband and I since she was 10 and previous to that my husbands mum
She’s had no contact with her biological mother since 8 years….

we have always over compensated and she’s always had everything she wants.

I struggled with infertility for years and was blessed with my baby boy late May after a few rounds of IVF. When we told her she was hysterical crying awful.

Ive always treated her as daughter everyone knows me as her mum. My family have all welcomed her.

NYE just gone at a family party when people was asking her if she was excited she was rude and said no she don’t want me to have the baby etc.

We have included her as much as we can gender scan, she was the first person to meet him when he was born.

i thought we had turned a corner but she ignores the baby when it’s just me and her at home. She’s off for the summer….

She has always been rude and abrupt but this is another level. We have stopped her disposal money as she was very spoilt.

She can’t keep friends this has always been the way since young. She talks over people and belittles them and then wonders why she is on her own it’s sad and I’ve always explained why this maybe however she can’t see any error in her ways.

Aged 11 when she started secondary school, within the space of 6 months she went to school covered in fake blood, faked and overdose to her friends, faked and eating disorder not normal child behaviour at all.
Then she made a friend group which was fabulous however they all self harmed, she was then stealing money and other stuff out the house.
I had been in the school several times at this point and got her cancelling to which after the 3rd session she wanted to quit because she actually said in front of me and her teachers she does it with friends for attention…

back to the baby - when people are in the house visiting etc she will be all over the baby take him off other people etc

when it’s me and her she does not give him the time of day at all. I have tried a number of things like can you watch him quick whilst I hoover etc. she calls me after a minute.

she also says when her dad comes home from work the baby has been crying all day - he hasn’t ?

she had a set of drawers in her room that have been empty for months so I said when she’s away on holiday (this week ) I will put mine in as my husband and I the baby are fighting for space in our bedroom. I’ve gone to do it and she’s filled them up…

I was gifted a food blender thing for Christmas which was being saved for when the baby was eating food. This has been discussed on several occasions literally 4 weeks prior. I went to visit family on the day I left she’s using it.

My friend bumped in to her and asked how the baby was she rolled her eyes said friend - embarrassing 😢

I know the above sounds like minor things but she’s due back tomorrow and I’m dreading it I feel so anxious.

I have tried to discuss with my husband and said about the drawers and the smoothie maker etc and he thinks I’m just being silly. When we are all here she’s in her bedroom comes down the stairs gets food / drink goes back up does not say hello etc. when we say why don’t you speak to us she says we should speak to her first!!!

I don’t know if my baby is safe around her. She keeps carrying him in to the garden on the patio and holding him with 1 hand I explain his more mobile now and keeps moving you need to hold him with 2 hands she does not listen

Oh gosh I feel sorry for everyone in this situation. But I think it’s really tough for step kids. Her mum is out of the equation from 8, that’s not something kids just move on from. She’s obviously in a lot of pain and things which you think are little things, she may feel very differently about. Like using the drawers in her room, can you see how that could be interpreted? Her room, probably her only private space and you want to encroach and take over some of it, basically replacing her space with yours/DH/brothers. I think she would absolutely be helped by talking to someone qualified. My heart breaks for step kids, I always hear about how people over compensate “give them everything”, when in reality pocket money and things isn’t what they need, it’s unconditional love and acceptance, which is sometimes just not something step parents can give.

yes I got her counselling through the school. She laughed about it with me and her teachers and said she only does to get attention!

She needs proper counselling to deal with the feelings of abandonment.

So, she said she was self harming for attention. What attention have you started giving since then?

Laughing or not, needing to self harm to get attention is a major red flag that she is incredibly unhappy, and needs help and support.

You and your husband are failing her.

i have been with my husband 15 years in August.

my husband and step daughters biological mum separated because she was addicted to drugs still. My husband got clean - we started a relationship I was just 20 years old…. When step daughter was taken from her mothers care through the courts it was agreed she would live her Nan.

husband and I have always worked and had step daughter every weekend, holidays days out in the evenings etc.

she’s never not been included in anything.

she was was originally seeing her mum in a contact centre then on to me or her nan taking her. Her mum got clean started a new relationship then had a baby. Step daughter refused to see the baby. When her mum got pregnant again daughter stopped contact

She’s old enough to get a job….and pay her way at least a bit!

@Natasha90 so she admitted she was doing it for attention, what happened then, did the counselling continue.
Saying it was for attention and you buying it seems to be minimising the behaviour as just attention seeking

Her mum got clean started a new relationship then had a baby. Step daughter refused to see the baby. When her mum got pregnant again daughter stopped contact

And despite this you are somehow surprised by her reaction to you having a baby?

Please get this girl some proper counselling before the choices and mistakes made by the adults in her life end up defining her forever.

Drug addicted parents would make me think there's a high chance of neurodiversity here.

She was in a friendship group with all 11 children doing it….

So your H left his DD in the care of his mum for a DECADE, because he couldn’t be bothered to parent her.

Then he gets himself a wife, OP, who can do the donkey-work of parenting and allows his DD to finally live with him and you’re wondering why this girl has issues??

Her mother didn’t want her, her father didn’t want her for TEN YEARS. But now he has a baby with you and he allows that baby to live with him, he’s not given it over to his mum. Can you not see how painful this would be to a child?

He wants his second child, but rejected his first. And now DSD has to live with this golden second child who is wanted by both the mother and the father, unlike her.

Poor child. Get her some therapy, and give her some empathy, she really needs it.

She was in a group all 11 children was doing it. Like they all identify as transgender or lesbian etc. a trend

I think she’s desperately seeking something perhaps that feeling of being loved unconditionally? Engages in self destructive behaviour because it keeps people away to protect herself from future rejection whilst at same time desperately attention seeking.

I do think parents often seem to confuse material possessions with good parenting. Kids often need less “stuff” and more time, solid boundaries and structure.

Fuck me, that’s a hell if a back story.

Now you’ve written that out, is there any chance you might be able to see how traumatised this kid is?

She grew up watching her dad use drugs as well as the mum she doesn’t see anymore more.

You seem to have been the only safe and consistent person in her life (unless there is more coming) and you’ve just had a baby who is biologically yours.

The girl is terrified she’s going to be deserted again but doesn’t have the skills to process and express that in an emotionally mature way so she’s is pushing you to test you out. I think I’ve said this in every post so far

get her proper therapy

give her consistent love and boundaries.

(and stop moaning and the blender, it’s a bloody blender for Christ sake)

The baby thing is she lies to her dad saying his been crying all day.

ignores him when it’s just me and the baby in the house

takes him off people when they hold him and is all over him

I work with vulnerable teens. The ones with the most challenging behaviour have abandonment issues, due to living with a grandparent, for example, instead of mum or dad.
What caused her to be living with your husband’s mother? This set off my internal alarm bell as soon as I read it.
It sounds like a really difficult situation, OP, and I do sympathise. However it doesn’t surprise me too much that she is emotionally damaged. She needs therapy. Ideally with a clinical psychologist but if you cannot afford this, then a regular counsellor who specialises in teens. Do your research though, as the quality varies enormously.
Oh, and who is she on holiday with right now, out of interest?
Good luck.

Poor kid. This must also be very stressful for you as well, but I can’t help but feel for this girl. Is her nan still around? Would she speak to her nan?

She needs to be in therapy, and probably needs to see a psychiatrist. She definitely has some attachment issues - and I can see why. This needs to be addressed before she starts to really act out. Both her parents had drug issues and I wouldn’t be surprised if she went the same way.

I do think you’re being silly about the blender though I can’t lie.

Oh op @Natasha90 please don’t minimise it by saying it’s a trend. I think your SD needs proper counselling as she’s been through more in her short life than most adults in their lifetime

The baby thing is she lies to her dad saying his been crying all day.

So trying to ensure that if her dad has to choose between them he thinks the baby is harder work so will pick her...

ignores him when it’s just me and the baby in the house

Entirely natural at her age.

takes him off people when they hold him and is all over him

So trying to look good to other people, and also trying to desperately remind them that she is there. Also entirely natural.

If you don't understand how she's acting around your baby then family counselling is also needed.

None of this should be a surprise to you.

She was in a group all 11 children was doing it. Like they all identify as transgender or lesbian etc. a trend

She needs proper counselling.

Seeing you pregnant and having a baby has probably triggered her big time as to how her mother mistreated then abandoned her.

Then seeing her dad as proud parent when she was left with a mother who probably harmed her then left with granny.

As a child she probably cannot work out what and how to recognise and deal with those feelings so it comes out in what adults perceive to be bad behaviour.

I’m not surprised she’s acting out.

DH needs to sort some therapy quick time, and support for how to raise her.
He should have done it ages ago.

I was trying to type exactly this but the swipe function was against me

I’m being to think you’re either not very bright yourself op or are a troll (which will probably get deleted but at least mn will notice the ongoing swipe issues!)

Oh, OP. Now that you've got a biological child, can you imagine leaving him at eight years old, and what that would do to him? Never mind the stuff your step daughter has been to subsequent to that.

She has had a very difficult road, and her behaviour is very understandable in light of her upbringing.

I guess the question is who's going to step up and help her - it should be her father, but he's not done so historically, so I don't hold out much hope. I think you do have an obligation to her, having been a step parent for so long. You might think differently. Ultimately, your choices are:

1. Help her. Include her, show her you love her, be patient with her - she needs it. Go to family therapy. Forget about the drawers and the blender, they're total non-issues.

1. Continue on as you are. The relationship becomes more fractured. She leaves home and spends a good chunk of her adult life trying to get over her childhood.

Your posts get worse and worse.

You dont need a psychology degree to recognise that she has had a childhood filed with trauma and abandonment. Not leaving her out is not not including her in things isnt a measure of anything positive.

School counselling is an absolute joke as a solution to the situation she is in.

She needs proper therapy with a psychologist.

The laungage you have used ie spiteful shows you and your DH actually dont recognise at all what is going on. I can only imagine what her ACE score will be when she technically becomes an adult.

Here is the question set basis on experiences as a child:
Physical, sexual or verbal abuse
Physical or emotional neglect
Separation or divorce
A family member with mental illness
A family member addicted to drugs or alcohol
A family member who is in prison
Witnessing a parent being abused

The higher the ACE score the higher the risk of mental health issues and physical issues

Go and do some research into the childhood experiences she has had can have on a childs literal brain development.

It might allow you and your DH to recognise the reality of what it is that is being dealt with and actually working trying to help long term support for her.

I don't think you should be asking her to watch the baby. She is clearly struggling and feeling reaentful. I'd guess the majority of people with babies don't have a teenager in the house to ask that of. You just need to find other ways round it.

The blender thing sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back but also bizarre and hard for anyone reading your OP to understand. Blending babies' foods was pretty outdated when I had my children 8+ years ago. Even if you don't go completely down the finger food route a simple stick blender is all you need.

I think you need to accept she has additional needs and treat her as such. She's not choosing to behave this way. That doesn't make the situation not hugely difficult to live with but you're also not going to solve it by acting as if she is a completely 'typical' teenager.

Edit for typo

i completely understand she maybe feeling left out etc and she has had a past.

i will openly admit i am the main parent for her all school meetings shopping periods nails we have gone through everything together.

To me she is my daughter when she wants she calls me mum.

I have tried my best with her and the point of the post was not to try and validate MY feelings it was for support on how I could deal with the situation. I’m scared for my son’s safety, she talks to absolutely awful and I have done my upmost for her.

we have had the normal teenage trying weed, drink etc. she’s treated as an equal but does not respect me!