Stepchild behaviour

[DrSaward]

Hi All

my partner’s 7 yo still can’t sleep alone, my partner sleeps in a separate room with him when he stays with us and he still wears night nappies! I blame his mum as he’s with her 85% of the time but is this ok? He wakes everyone up regularly and it’s hard to accept!

Is it ok that his father only does 15% of parenting and leaves all the parenting to his ex? I’d say absolutely not. No idea how you’re attracted to a father who doesn’t parent.

Sounds like he needs reassurance, must be hard to settle, he’s only there 15% - what’s that? 1 night a month?

Where does he sleep when at dads?

For PP - That's 2 nights a fortnight or one night a week.
Nappies at 7 is just about in the normal range - some children just take longer to stay dry at night.
If he wakes you up at night when he's sleeping in a room with his dad, that's not normal, no. How is he managing that? Is he shouting out in his sleep?
Have there been any changes that mean he's been a bit more unsettled coming to his dad's recently?

What steps has his dad taken to resolve the bed wetting issues, or is he leaving that problem at the Mum’s door?

It’s not his choice to only have him 2 nights a fortnight (he sees him during the day every week too). His ex has controlled access. She hasn’t taught the child to sleep! Or not wet the bed or even eat healthy food. She’s then dumping her lack of parenting on us.

its hard work even 2 nights a fortnight I couldn’t cope with more!!!

you can’t teach a kid anything in 2 days… they just go back to the other crap parent and unlearn everything. Luckily we’ve not moved in together fully yet… I’m not planning to!

I guess I’m just wondering how a 7 yo hasn’t been taught the basics of self soothing or eating! I made it a priority for mine …

How’s that possible in 2 nights a fortnight? Not dumping… what personal experience has led to that illogical conclusion jump?

🥇 OP

Sorry he was waking everyone up a lot until my partner just started sleeping with him. It’s because that’s what his mum does… she can’t be bothered to teach him to sleep or eat properly or toilet train, she just takes the easiest route. I get it’s hard being a single parent, I’m just bearing the brunt of the whole situation

Why has she got controlled access? My understanding, and correct name if im wrong, is that you can only get controlled access with such a small amount for one parent, is if it’s not in the child’s best interest ti see much of his father. Otherwise the courts won’t grant it. Why did they?

Nope. A mother can just take her child and it takes years to fight it through the courts so he’s agreed to have him 2 nights and various daytimes which is ok

How are you bearing the brunt of it?

surely just don’t stay there if you don’t live together on the 1 day in 14 the dsc is there?!?

How far did he get with court before dropping it?

She hasn’t got controlled access she’s just controlling. They have him 50/50 during all school hols etc tho that’s not the issue it’s the fact he can’t sleep or self sooth or eat a vegetable that’s annoying

Maybe she is a bad mum who doesn't teach him good habits.
Or maybe he is just a child who needs reassurance so she let him sleep with her. A child wetting his bed is no indication of parenting, it is hormone related.
Maybe his Dad should step up and parent more.

Well if he's with you for 50% of the holidays why can't his Dad sort these issues.

I’m just bearing the brunt of the whole situation

How so? You don’t live together, you’re not planning to live together. So don’t see your boyfriend when he has his son over. No one’s asking you to parent him or make up for what you see as his mother’s failings. Back off and leave your boyfriend to it.

Right. Your story has changed quite a lot.

So - to correct a few things you’ve said

1. you didn’t mean to say ‘controlled access’
2. and you didn’t mean to say ‘it’s hard to make changes when you only have him 2 days in 14’ given you also have him half the holidays, which are about 15 weeks per year, so 7.5 weeks each.

I would have thought the 3 weeks your partner has this summer, he might be able to have a good go at sorting it, or taking him to the doctors if he can’t.

You’re calling the mum a crap parent!!

FFS!! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
Who’s the one that got the child a majority of the time??
The mum!!

Maybe if this dad was so wonderful, he’d be going to court to get proper access to the child!!!

Re your comments regarding bedwetting - it is common for some children to be still wetting the bed at 7 and wearing things like Huggies nighttime pull-ups. Bedwetting is a hormonal condition and unless there are underlying behaviour or medical issues, is not due to lazy parenting or a lazy child.

The GP can refer to an Enuresis Clinic from about age 6 and a nurse can advise some strategies that may help, or lend a bedwetting alarm, but ultimately the hormone vasopressin needs to kick in for a child to become reliably dry at night.

I wet the bed until I was 13 and my DS become dry when he had just turned 10. There is a genetic element to it as well.

So, I suggest your DP look at the ERIC website for bedwetting advice, but don’t use the child’s bedwetting as a stick to beat his ex with.

Oh OP this isn’t going to end well.

From your posts I can see you don’t have single idea about parenting or raising kids.

One day maybe when you’ve actually been a parent you may read this back and cringe at just how bad you come across.

Erm because he goes back to his mum and she undoes everything

Jeez what’s happened in your life? It’s not remotely about access!

It was a verb… she has been controlling (verb) access, she doesn’t have some legal controlled access (noun)

Yes she’s doing a really bad job you’re right. I don’t think having him more would work as he’s so difficult

Actually you wrote controlled HTH