Stepchild behaviour

[DrSaward]

Hi All

my partner’s 7 yo still can’t sleep alone, my partner sleeps in a separate room with him when he stays with us and he still wears night nappies! I blame his mum as he’s with her 85% of the time but is this ok? He wakes everyone up regularly and it’s hard to accept!

I have brought up 2 amazing happy well adjusted kids on my own Thankyou. They’re thriving and confident and have slept all night since i gently taught them how to do it as toddlers.

You don’t think your partner should have to parent his own child because it’s difficult, but you think the mum should, and then you have the right to call her crap even though it’s actually the father who is completely useless?!?

wow! You have some extreme internalised misogyny going on there op.

that is what is getting people’s backs up, not some drivel about ‘something wrong in their lives’ which you have now twice attempted to use so that you don’t have to work through the implications of the (salient) points made.

Don’t tell us, you earn £120k a year, you’re a size 8 and Tarquin and Esmerelda are geniuses raised entirely on the food you grew yourselves.

😂😂

You’re on the wind up here OP goodnight.

She wants to do it. She doesn’t want to have to work. He pays for everything. I’m just wondering why she can’t teach her kid anything she’s literally got nothing else to do

im just a good parent

It’s not hormones it’s parenting. He only eats fish fingers and has never eaten a vegetable. He’s allowed to do and not do anything he wants. She’s setting him up for a very difficult life which is really sad

And i also agree… his dad focussed on having fun with him not teaching him things but I kind of see why when he just unlearns them all again

Yes i know… it’s a verb. She’s been controlling so she has controlled the access….

It is sad @DrSaward but there's a lot of children being brought up ( if you can call it that) like this.
There's little you or his Dad can do apart from keep trying to encourage him but you'll get no reasonable advice on here. Mumsnet hates stepmums.

you say you’re a good parent op. That’s great. So, what would you do if your two children were being raised by someone who is completely crap 85% of the time?

bevause id tell you what I’d do for my 2.

id fight the courts with every penny and second spare I had to get access so that I could bring them up properly.

Thanks. I realise I’m wasting my time expecting any sensible or balanced discussion x goodnight weirdos

You aren't coming across as though you like him that much, your tone is quite resentful. As someone helpfully pointed out, night time dryness is hormonal and so isn't really a toilet training issue. A child can be reliably toilet trained during the day and take years to be dry at night. Boys are suggested to take longer also. The night waking - she has presumably chosen not to sleep train (which is what self settling often involves if you do it young and they dont do it naturally). That doesn't make her a bad parent, just one who has made different choices to you, most likely whilst largely single parenting. I would think she is "bearing the brunt" of any of her own approaches as she has him 85% of the time. There's also the fact that he may feel less comfortable in the home he spends less time at and needs more comfort at night there. What has he said about the sleep situation?

That’s helpful food for thought and very welcome. Thankyou for being helpful and non judgmental x

It isn’t that mums hate step mums. More just the women who cannot seem to place any blame where it’s actually due, their boyfriends, and look around for a female to blame instead.

I do like him and I don’t think that how he’s learned to behave is anything to do with him aged 7. I think I’m avoiding being angry with my partner about it. I’m not angry with his ex, I’m just struggling

I would just step back if I were you op.

just see him when his child is not there.

you live separately anyway, so no need to stress yourself out about this.

he isn’t your responsibility.

She hasn’t taught the child to sleep! Or not wet the bed

You cannot teach a child not to wet the bed. They're unconscious when it happens FFS.

If the hormone that controls micturition during sleep doesn't kick in when it should, there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It's grim. I know, because I was one of those kids, and absolutely everything was tried, from dampness alarms to wake me immediately when it happened, to medication. Nothing worked until the delayed hormone surfaced. And I was 20 years old. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and it's ignorant and unfair of you to blame the mother for 'not teaching him'. .

Yikes! This won't end well OP 🤦‍♀️
Your partners ex could be the laziest, meanest, worst parent on this earth .......

Of course you’re angry with her. You’re finding it much easier to blame her than him, you resent the money he gives her, you resent her not working, you think she’s failing their child. Own it. You’re possibly also angry with yourself for choosing this man and the complications of his life. For going back to life hampered by a 7 year old when you’ve done the hard graft and those years we’re behind you.

It’s not compulsory to stay with him. I don’t hate step mums btw, I’m a step mum and a mum. I’m often incredibly sympathetic and supportive to step mums.

In this case you don’t live together and can simply choose to leave them to it when his son’s there. You’re not obliged to do any parenting or bear the brunt of anything. Just don’t be there. You can also choose to break up with him and find someone who doesn’t have a young child or a tricky ex.

OP you have come across as quite an unpleasant, angry, unreasonable lady with low emotional intelligence. I am sure that’s not how you are in real life. I am sure you have friends and a career and are educated and reasonable.

think about why you having such an angry rant about a young child and his mother. A quick google would tell you the bed wetting is likely a medical issue - but you are ranting about his mother not ‘teaching’ him.

Is this the person you want to be? Is this how you want to feel? Every single person has recoiled from your unpleasant posts.

I don’t think this relationship brings out the best in you. Maybe have a long think about whether you want to spend the next twenty plus years raging against this boy’s mother:

Get out of the relationship op.

At best you have a potential stepchild with a neglectful parent and the behaviour will eventually ruin you.

At worst, and most likely, you have a lazy partner who can't be arsed parenting and looks around for the nearest woman to blame, even though he's allowing this supposed neglectful parent to bring his child up without reporting her or taking it to court so he can bring his child up properly.

Neither scenario is one I would be in.

she may be a bad mother but it sounds like you’re taking it out on him. Poor buddy probably needs reassurance. It can be annoying when they don’t settle in their own bed but I remember as a former stepchild when I was 9 missing my mum when I stayed with my dad and stepmum and it was scary and upsetting and I was never reassured so please just reassure him and do what it takes to make him comfortable and he’ll grow out of it when he’s ready, he’s clearly just sensitive to the situation and change of routine even if he’s familiar with going to stay at his dads 15% of the time it’s still not his normal if that makes sense as he will view home as where he lives with mum.

Bedwetting is linked to a hormone so it can’t be outgrown nor helped. If he was previously dry at night this means he is feeling unsettled or stressed.

Lastly, I think you’re being too hard on him and I truly hope you’re nicer to him in person than you are on here because the tone you have taken to speak about your own stepson is disgusting. To be a step parent is a choice and an honour whilst difficult and times but no child deserves to be spoken about how you’re speaking about your stepson.

She would have to work pretty hard to be a worse parent than someone who doesn't fight for more than 15% care of their own child.

Issues around bed wetting and diet can have many causes that you might not have picked up on given how little time your stepson spends with you. But even if they are down to his mum's parenting, that just makes your partner's decision not to fight for more contact worse. Stop worrying about what your stepson's mum is doing and start asking your partner why he isn't doing more for his son.

Agreed. Why is it always put down on mum to parent? Dads are parents just as much too!!

If his child is such a challenge for you, maybe it would be best not to stay there when he’s around.
You don’t sound like you like him very much.
I feel really sad for him.