Stepchild behaviour

[DrSaward]

Hi All

my partner’s 7 yo still can’t sleep alone, my partner sleeps in a separate room with him when he stays with us and he still wears night nappies! I blame his mum as he’s with her 85% of the time but is this ok? He wakes everyone up regularly and it’s hard to accept!

Not being toilet trained at 7 is one of two reasons which you are completely missing; either he has a physical issue (my son has this his brain isn’t picking up the signals) or he’s struggling mentally with his living situation. I suggest it’s the latter. Children can take time to sleep on their own and if he is only there once a fortnight, and his parents are split and you are on the scene it’s all a lot of change and unsettling. Your posts don’t seem to show any concern about him, just the impact it has on you. And if you are projecting that attitude when he’s around there is no wonder he feels the way he does.

my SS was a challenge, still is a challenge. When he was 7-9 it was the absolute hardest time. He found his parents splitting devastating, he didn’t consider our home home, due to only being their 4 days per month, he struggled with change, he lashed out, his behaviour was appalling. But all of it was a way of saying he feels unsettled, unhappy and couldn’t cope. He is 14 now and so much more settled. It took a lot of listening, a lot of care, a lot of letting him do the things that made him feel comfortable.

you need to stop making it about you and blaming the universe and instead start listening and letting his son be comfortable in his home. Otherwise he is going to be a very unhappy child.

Also, OP, this child is not your step child. You aren’t married to his father and don’t live with him. You also feel no connection to him.

This doesn’t sound like the right relationship for you op…wait until teenage years

Being a step parent myself I know how hard it is. Both my step children I love dearly but neither are easy, their mother is a complete nightmare who can not parent to save her life, my husband tries but it’s not good enough.

in this scenario you have to do the right things not the easy things. It’s taken time but I’ve slowly unpicked the reasons for my step children being unsettled, challenged bad behaviour, rewarded good. Taught them values in a positive way (we made a set of values and each fortnight we share stories of what we did to achieve one of them). I accept the reasonable and challenge the unreasonable with his ex (or he does). I challenge him on poor parenting choices (he can make decisions based on easy options as opposed to good ones- he soon learned that easy options are not easy options with me as I’m relentless). Over the years we have faced a lot, but we overcame it because the children were at the centre of our choices. And believe me that is not easy, there have been so many times I just wanted to walk away, I would not recommend step parenting to anyone! And I can’t even say I love them like my own- but I do love them like family.

its a struggle, but you have to show compassion for your step child. You need to be there for him, help him don’t make toileting an issue because it won’t fix it, shaming a child to stop wetting themselves won’t ever work.

my 12 year old SD wet the bed this weekend and hid it. She had never done that before. So next time I see her I’m going to reassure her it happens to everyone don’t be ashamed come and see me and we will always fix it. Make it a none issue, give her someone to come too. Because if I made it an issue that’s when it doesn’t get solved and relationships are ruined.

It’s not an easy time being a step parent- but you just have to do the best you can.

Sure, Jan.

If there is nothing physically wrong with him, his father should be trying in the time he does have him to toilet train him.
His father should be fighting for more access to see his son, if his ex is as neglectful as claimed.
Your partner sounds like he needs to step up instead of just blaming ex and then just wanting to do fun things with son.
I can understand your frustration, maybe there needs to be less blame and dad needs to speak to mum and school to find out if it is neglect / insecurity or special needs going on.
You should tell partner, to actually go out of his way and find out the problem, rather than pointing the finger. If his son is neglected, why’s he just getting frustrated and not doing anything about it?

It’s hereditary too!
my dad’s, my self, my daughter and my grandchild all have suffered with the same condition x

Ofc it is!!
Dad gets 50% access and then spends more time helping the poor child, sounds like you think the dad is a wonderful dad, and you’re blaming the mum!!
Obviously dads not that good at all!!

You aren’t married and you don’t live together so he’s not your stepchild. If his dad is seeing him 4 nights a month why don’t you just stay home and leave him to it. Your partner can’t barely parent his child and then complain about the other parent. If he thinks it’s a parenting issue then he should pursue more time with his child.

@DrSaward

This.

If the father doesn't want to fight through the courts for either primary residence or 50/50 custody, that's his decision. If the mother wants to raise the child the way she is, that's her decision. Frankly, it's between them and nothing to do with you.

Yes, I understand it's upsetting and that you would do things differently. But the fact remains that none of this is under your control. So your choices are either end the relationship because the situation with the child isn't something you want in your life OR you see him only when the child isn't around.

Once again, reason 234909897592 why I never dated a man with children. I know, that's not helpful. But it's something for you to think about. No one's children are perfect I know, but step relationships are an added dimension.

Wow.
yes he should go to court to get more time with his child. It is so important to do this while he’s young. He should be serving him a mix of hidden and unhidden veg and healthy foods with transition foods, that are healthier than the shop versions like chocolate milk with nesquik. Sleeping with his son is not the problem here, that bit is good parenting. I can’t believe you’re whining about 1 night a week.

I think that’s insightful of you, OP.

You don’t live together and he’s there just 4 nights a month. Just stay away during that time and make no plans to move in together.

your complete lack of understanding of the difference between day and night time accidents means you probably had easy kids like mine who just got it automatically, no real input needed as it’s hormonal.

if the child is dry in the day, then he has been taught properly by his mum. Just leave them to it, you’ll just add more anxiety to this child’s life.

In general I can sympathize with the frustration of trying to parent when your child has to go to another parent who won't work together for the majority of the time. I can't think it would be easy to teach a child to sleep on their own if more than 50% of the time they are with a parent who says they don't have to do it.

All that is going to happen is they are going to kick off, and then that puts you in a very uncomfortable position of having to be the bad guy, in a situation where they can choose the EX as the good guy. Its a very common blended family dilemma...

That being said, I agree with the sentiment on here that your partner doesn't look good in all this. It does feel like he wants to excuse is lack of effort by blaming his ex. It could well be true that his Ex is a lazy/bad mother, but if that is the case, a good parent would fight for more time/custody, put more effort in.

Sitting back and watching your kid fail and blaming an ex isn't what a good parent does.

Overall though, poor kid. If we take your word as truth - he has a mother who isn't very competent, a dad who knows better but can't be bothered to fight for him, and a dad's girlfriend who might be capable of raising him right, but isn't in a position to do so, and as such is just annoyed at the whole situation. That isn't an optimal environment for a kid to grow up in.

Some kids have trouble being dry at night often til age 10 or more. my nephew slept so heavily he often did eventually had combination of mefs and maturity. Theres possible medication that can help.. maybe his amazing father could actually do something.. a simple Google would help.. there is an organisation call ERIC that has tips and thing's that can help..
If he has him half the holidays and during the week ...why not go to the GP?

You may have had amazing children yourself.. but this child is not yours... And an individual in their own way....you sound pretty nasty about a young child .. not sure that helps anyone.. probably best you stay away from them..and see your DP on his own

RE bed wetting. My son is 6. Has his own little bedroom, does well at school. Eats well, sleeps well. Has both parents at home and siblings. Does all nice things and is more or less “stable”. He’s not had one.single.dry. Night….. ever. In fact he needs 2 pull-ups and still wakes up soaking. Nothing works. So it’s quite possible it’s not the mums (or dad’s) fault. He’s been dry during the day since he was 2!. I agree you need to not blame either parent and listen to others who are saying it could be completely hormonal. All the best

OP, move on.
You are only bring stress into your life and that of your children.

These issues will get a lot worse as that child grows.

Endless stress and drama.
Move on.
No man is worth it.