Looking for some advice – feeling lost and unsure what to do next

[PinkPanther80]

I’ve lived in my home for 18 years and have two teenage daughters of my own. Around three years ago, I met my partner and we’ve been building a life together since. He has a 13-year-old daughter who doesn’t live with us but has a room here that I decorated to make her feel welcome when she stays over.
To be honest, it’s been really tough. She can be very challenging – regularly breaking house rules, not coming in on time, swearing at her dad, and generally refusing to engage. We have also suspected she is stealing from us but haven’t had proof. I’ve tried to let her dad deal with things to avoid conflict, but I’ve stepped in a couple of times when it crossed the line, especially when she’s been swearing at her Dad.
She also has a difficult relationship with her mum and has often called her dad to collect her after arguments at home. We’ve tried to be supportive and have included her in holidays and family life, but it's been incredibly draining. She often refuses to get out of bed, joins in with nothing, and sulks or creates tension if plans aren’t exactly what she wants.
The final straw for me came in March. She came home late again, and after being told off and having her phone taken as a consequence, she left the next day — but not before causing serious damage to the room. She stabbed holes in the walls with a pen, ripped bedding, and damaged plaster. I was honestly devastated. This is my home, and I work hard to keep it nice. I felt so hurt and disrespected.
She denied everything at first and then just said she wouldn’t come back. My partner did try to speak to her — he told her he wanted to see her but that her behaviour needed to change. She didn’t reply. Since then, there’s been complete silence.
Her birthday is coming up soon and he plans to text her. She didn’t reach out for his birthday or Father’s Day.
I’m really torn — I don’t know what to hope for. I feel stuck between wanting things to be okay and fearing what it would be like if she came back and nothing has changed. I feel sick with the uncertainty. I’ve tried to be kind and patient, but I don’t know how to protect my home and my own children from being dragged into this tension.
Has anyone been through anything similar? I’d be grateful for any advice or perspective.

Where was your partner living before, and how was her behaviour then?

If and when she is back in touch, I’d be inclined to give one more chance if she seems apologetic. It’s not looking likely though if she’s not been in touch.

Although I’m quite shocked that her dad doesn’t appear to have contacted her since the message in March.

The first sign of the previous behaviour, I’d be telling your DP that it’s time to go back to living separately so that he can maintain a relationship with you both.

He lived with a previous partner and it sounds like their relationship was affected a lot by his daughter as his ex used to sit alone in that bedroom when his daughter visited: I should have realised when he told me that 🫣. I think she used to get her own way a lot to keep her quiet which is probably why she doesn’t understand why rules have now been implemented. He reached out to her once only since March by message & she didn’t reply, it’s her birthday this week so he will message her then but I just don’t know what to do. We are getting married next year.

He's moved straight from his ex to live with you? Is he unable to house himself? His 13 year old daughter is a child who is clearly unhappy, troubled, distressed etc. And his response is to just ignore her for 3 months? If he can treat his own child with such contempt imagine how he might treat you or your children in future. Fatherhood isn't a thing you can just opt out of when problems arise, unless you're a terrible father & actually not a very decent human at all. If your children behaved in a way you didn't agree with would you choose to cut them off and not get in touch for months? Putting the ones on the child for not contacting him on father's day etc is such a cop out. This is 100% a fail of parenting and as the adult all of the responsibility is with your partner.

This isn’t making you happy is it?

that’s the bottom line, that this stress isn’t making you happy.

the best thing you can do for you and your children, is to have him move out, stop trying to blend families, it hasn’t worked, and was frankly far too soon anyway, but it sounds like he pushed it through on account of the fact he seems incapable of housing himself.

then carry on dating him if you want, but just keep all the children separate:

to be honest, for me, no man is worth this.

No he didn’t he had his own home for 4 years before he met me. Thank you for your perspective

I’m not sure if I’ve been clear here - he had his own home for 4 years after he split from his ex & before he met me.

That’s fab then, so it’s feasible for him to live alone and have his dd see him there when you’re not, and you otherwise. I think that way would keep the most people happy.

So his daughter lived in part with him when he had his previous home with another partner? And now he lives with you she doesn’t live there merely very occasionally visits?

Does it not bother you that your partner has a very careless and uninvolved approach to parenting?
Her father has had 3 different families by the time she was 10, that’s very intense. On top of that he ignores her for MONTHS at a time?
Do you think that does anything except encourage bad behaviour from her? Why would she think lies or staying out late is wrong when her father shows such a lack of structure for her life?

Just seems a shame to have to do that doesn’t it really 😢

How old was your partner's daughter when her parents split? How was her behaviour prior to your partner meeting you? Did your partner stop living with his daughter's Mum, move into his own place for 4 years and then met you? Or was there someone else before you and after the Mum of his daughter? Depending on the answers, will depend on my opinion.

He hasn't contacted her since March?! Is he absolutely bloody insane?! Doesn't matter how she behaves she's 13 and his daughter, he should be dealing with the behaviour not just acting like she doesn't exist! She is clearly an unhappy child and I would be very concerned about the character of a man who will just dump a child when she's difficult.

As a step parent who has also parented a difficult SC I don’t have much advise for your situation except the one thing that struck me is your DH collecting her when she has had an argument with her mother. Abuse aside, your DH should be wary of just jumping when she demands that she is being mistreated by her mother. It is an unfortunate side effect of divorce, particularly those that have been contentious, that children learn to play parents off against each other. That is Dh against ExW. Dh against new wife. Ex wife against new wife.

You all need to be united on what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Your SD is utilizing her options to escape accountability.

So she always lived with her Mum
He moved out had his own place for 4 years had a partner live there with him for a while - he had his daughter every weekend Friday to Sunday
We met, after around a year of doing things as a family he moved in & she stayed over twice a week as she always had done with him but with the additions of holidays as a family too - twice a year
Whilst I don’t agree with him not speaking to her since March this is the first time it’s happened (I’m not defending that and he has reached out to her to ask to speak about it and she hasn’t replied)
I think the problem is we tried to implement structure and she hadn’t had it before.

I totally agree with this - and to be fair he did stop doing it after she called mum to collect her once when she had been told off here - I said she is doing it to escape the ‘punishment’ - and I don’t mean she’d have been punished I mean a conversation about her behaviour. Unfortunately he can’t talk with her Mum they just argue there is a lot of animosity between them; she will regularly shout names at him when he collects his daughter etc. His daughter sees all of this too but it’s hard to work together when a civil conversation can’t be held.

Yes, it is, but that’s the reality. Otherwise you, and possibly your daughters, will be fraught for the next 10 years or so.

Poor girl.

She sounds so unhappy ☹️

No one's trying to see it from her perspective, just to make her fit into yet another manufactured insta family. She sounds like she's just expected to be a plug and play human with no emotional reaction to what's going on around her.

Her dad has failed her. But it sounds like she's used to it and isn't prepared to pretend anymore. He's not a good father, all expectations on what she should do and no responsibility for how she's feeling.

I'm a step mum. Have been for 20 years. This girl is unhappy and in emotional distress. Right now it shouldn't be about what the adults want but what she needs. Otherwise she'll be another broken adult going through life emotionally scarred.

But I'm sure your wedding is much more important because adults have a right to do what makes them happy right?

Thanks for your reply — happy to give some more context.
She was around 6 or 7 when her parents split. After that, her dad moved into his own place and for a couple of years was in a relationship with someone else, who lived with him. During that time, he had his daughter every Friday to Sunday. I met him with she was around 11. We’ve been together for three years now she’s 14 this week.
To be honest, even when I first met her, I noticed she was quite badly behaved — swearing, pushing boundaries, things like that. I’d hoped that spending time with my daughters, who don’t behave that way, might help her see there are other ways to interact. For a little while, things did seem to improve.
But things have become harder over the last year or so. She’s been caught stealing and smoking at home, and her attitude when she’s with us has got worse — refusing to follow basic house rules, being disrespectful. It’s heartbreaking, because we’ve always included her in everything and really tried to make her feel welcome and part of the family.
To make matters more difficult, her mum seems to dislike us and often says things like “your dad’s got a new family now,” which I’m sure doesn’t help how she’s feeling. I do think she’s struggling emotionally, but I’m also at a bit of a loss now.

Everyone treats children of divorce like sacred cows who need to be handled with extra care and sometimes that just leads to children’s behavior being more intolerable as they learn how ‘special’ they are and that nothing they do is punishable because they have a reason ie mum and dad are divorced and they need extra leeway.
My DH and his son had a similar relationship fraught with tension and alliances between ex wife and him. After the last fall out we too just left him to do what he wanted after he moved back to his mothers. We sent messages, tried to call but after months of getting little to no response we just let things be. 5 years later and his son has realized that dad isn’t actually that bad and his behavior was questionable.

13 years old is not to young to know right from wrong. I would just leave her to get on with things but keep in touch and keep the doors open with a conditon that behavior needs to improve.

No that’s not true which is why I posted here as I know we need help and advice. How did you deal with any issues that you had as a step Mum please? I’d be grateful of the advice.

I intensely dislike the first statement. It screams of a lack of understanding of the impact divorce has on children.

Describing them as 'sacred cows' is contemptuous and sneering.

Children of divorce are often isolated, emotionally damaged and very badly parented due to their parents choices and toxic conflict. They think the answer to this is to put strict rules in place to show them who is boss, which often clashes with those in their other parents home, which creates a horrible toxic atmosphere they must learn to navigate from an early age. Then they are called 'sacred cows' for needing a bit of understanding whilst they navigate the mess.

So what does the child learn from all this? that their parent doesn't really care what they feel as long as the rules are followed and the adults have satisfied themselves 'we didnt put up with any bad behavior'. So they eventually vote with their feet and as they get older refuse to visit which is perhaps what some step parents are looking for as a positive outcome.

It's so ironic that adults are so keen to push the narrative that they must teach them as 'knowing right from wrong' but are completely hypocritical in how they themselves behave. Kids learn by example, not by words.

We didn't get married until the step children were settled, adjusted and most importantly happy.

I would never have got married in the situation you describe. It would be a huge mistake.

We listened more than we spoke. We took time and got counselling support to process what they were experiencing. There was no rush.

I didn't try to set my kids up on a pedestal and measure my future step children against it, which is exactly what you said you did in your OP.

Dad didn't bounce from one relationship to another expecting the children to just fit in.

It needs the adults to slow down and stop just seeing it from their perspective.

I completely agree with this. What children in this situation learn when everyone just says ‘oh poor girl’ in response to any and all challenging behaviour is that they are untouchable and that the world revolves around their whims. They don’t grow up with resilience or regard for others.

Dad is unable to put boundaries in place like he would if he were the full time parent as she knows that she can just kick off and go to her mums. He’s reached out to her, she’s blanked him. She’s almost 14, not 5, so I would take the lack of response from her as a message that she only wants to have a relationship with him if he bows to her terms (lets her do absolutely anything she wants without ever parenting her). I wouldn’t want a relationship on those terms. And that’s what I would be spelling out to her - ‘I love you and want to see you but I’m your parent and I expect to have a parent child relationship with you and a level of respect extended to the other people who share your home just as you expect from them.’ That’s the bottom line, and if she can’t meet you there, you’ve done what you can do. It’s on her mum in a large part to, as she is the one giving permission however implicitly for her to behave like this.

OP, to put it bluntly, you’ve got years of this ahead. She isn’t likely to change much, or fast. Is he really worth it? You could just have a nice life with your own DC who you’ve raised well.

I'm unhelpfully sitting on the fence and can see both sides of this issue.
From her perspective, she's obviously very distressed and navigating a very emotionally charged situation between her parents. Her dad has had X2 serious relationships since her parents split. How many has her mum had?
She's more than likely (as most children do) hoping that her parents will get back together and her life will be less volatile. She could also be acting up because of the situation she's in and wanting to feel seen / heard and be acknowledged. Does she get lots of attention from both parents or is attention solely around negative behaviours?

From the side of her Dad - if her behaviour has been negative for so long and it's just expected now it's hard to see and understand it as anything other than her just being naughty. I do see that her acting up shouldn't stop him moving forwards with his life, if he wants to be with you and get married then he should be able to do that. We all know however that relationships second time around are more complicated, especially when children are involved.

Advice wise - would your partner be able to meet with the mum and agree an approach? It sounds like she is definitely playing them off against each other, quite successfully, they really need to be a united front.

She also needs to have time, individually, with her dad. It's so important to connect and build / develop their relationship and for her to feel important and seen.

Has she had any counselling or therapy? Talking her feelings through with someone outside of the situation would be very helpful.

Regarding your house, I think you have to maintain some rules and boundaries. She should not be able to cause damage to the house. Maybe build her time if gradually (if she is happy to be there in the future) allow her to acclimatise to the house and rules before she stays over. Dad needs to make it clear that if she damages again she will be expected to help fix and / or pay for the damages.

Unless you’ve been a stepchild it’s probably not easy to put yourself in the position of being chameleon parented in various homes with various random peoples way of doing things.

He sounds like he’s parenting according to the person he’s with, or not at the time. You aren’t compatible as parents, I’m sure it was well intentioned, but perhaps his daughter didn’t want to be magically fixed by the influence of your perfect DC’s?

of course he now thinks your way is better, because you’re there, and it’s easy because he hasn’t even bothered with her for months.

children need consistency, and if they are being forced into a blended family, that family should at least be compatible.