Looking for some advice – feeling lost and unsure what to do next

[PinkPanther80]

I’ve lived in my home for 18 years and have two teenage daughters of my own. Around three years ago, I met my partner and we’ve been building a life together since. He has a 13-year-old daughter who doesn’t live with us but has a room here that I decorated to make her feel welcome when she stays over.
To be honest, it’s been really tough. She can be very challenging – regularly breaking house rules, not coming in on time, swearing at her dad, and generally refusing to engage. We have also suspected she is stealing from us but haven’t had proof. I’ve tried to let her dad deal with things to avoid conflict, but I’ve stepped in a couple of times when it crossed the line, especially when she’s been swearing at her Dad.
She also has a difficult relationship with her mum and has often called her dad to collect her after arguments at home. We’ve tried to be supportive and have included her in holidays and family life, but it's been incredibly draining. She often refuses to get out of bed, joins in with nothing, and sulks or creates tension if plans aren’t exactly what she wants.
The final straw for me came in March. She came home late again, and after being told off and having her phone taken as a consequence, she left the next day — but not before causing serious damage to the room. She stabbed holes in the walls with a pen, ripped bedding, and damaged plaster. I was honestly devastated. This is my home, and I work hard to keep it nice. I felt so hurt and disrespected.
She denied everything at first and then just said she wouldn’t come back. My partner did try to speak to her — he told her he wanted to see her but that her behaviour needed to change. She didn’t reply. Since then, there’s been complete silence.
Her birthday is coming up soon and he plans to text her. She didn’t reach out for his birthday or Father’s Day.
I’m really torn — I don’t know what to hope for. I feel stuck between wanting things to be okay and fearing what it would be like if she came back and nothing has changed. I feel sick with the uncertainty. I’ve tried to be kind and patient, but I don’t know how to protect my home and my own children from being dragged into this tension.
Has anyone been through anything similar? I’d be grateful for any advice or perspective.

Poor kid is traumatised and needs some stability.

Sorry but I'd be putting my own kids first in this situation. How do they feel having this disruption in their home? Kick him out and carry on the relationship whilst living apart if you want to.

I say this as someone who has two stepkids who came into my home part time when they were younger (adults now). If there was ever any disrespect for my home or my rules they would have been long gone.

Also this, 100%

I think this is suuuuuuch a good and sensible post.
And a good counter to the horrible post it is responding to

I agree with this. He should have done more when she didn’t reply.

I agree that she knows right from wrong at her age. We’ve also had lots of other instances of lies & manipulation that I hadn’t included ie lying about us taking drugs, running away from the school bus stop when her mum was on holiday to make it look like we hadn’t taken her in time etc. But the problem is mum & dad can’t talk to be on the same side.

I don't have advice but this is usually down to poor parenting including fractured parenting particularly parent who refuse to set aside their differences to co-parents.

Then I’d do as suggested. Keep making contact even if it isn’t reciprocated to keep the door open for her to return on condition that her behavior is in line with what’s acceptable in your household.

My SS has come around in his early twenties (our fall out what at 16) and is very well aware now that his behavior was wrong, that he chose his mother because she allowed him to fuck around and that it was difficult for all involved. Our relationship is much better now with self reflection. I feel if we had kept up the fighting and arguing things would not have turned out for the better.

Thanks for this it’s really helpful. I really didn’t set my kids on a pedestal though, believe me they aren’t perfect! But I hoped they would be a positive influence on her rather than her swearing and just wanting to be hanging out on the streets the whole time. However it’s great advice to not just see it from an adult perspective so thank you

Thank you — I really appreciate this perspective and it’s reassuring to hear it put into words so clearly. You’ve hit the nail on the head in so many ways.
It often feels like we’re walking on eggshells because any form of parenting or boundary-setting seems to result in a complete shutdown or escalation from her. You’re right — at almost 14, she knows the power of withdrawing and she’s definitely testing whether the relationship comes with conditions that suit her.
It’s incredibly hard to watch my partner struggle with wanting to do the right thing, but feeling powerless when even basic boundaries are met with aggression or emotional blackmail. We both want a relationship with her that is respectful and consistent — not one where everyone has to bend to unreasonable behaviour just to keep the peace.
I agree too that her mum plays a big part in how things are handled (or not), and the lack of a united front definitely makes it harder. It’s just such a sad situation for everyone involved — especially when we’ve genuinely tried to make her feel included and valued in our home. But I really appreciate hearing others reinforce that boundaries are not just necessary, but actually a form of love and stability too.

Yes & believe me we have tried. I have also had to block Mum due to abusive messages, she has also been to the house in front of my children and her own daughter shouting at Dad (when he didn’t even know what was happening - it transpired there had been an altercation at home so she brought my SD to ours to be with as her Mum put it, her Dads perfect family). We had to call the police.

Yes he is worth it, I just want to be able to iron out the issues if we can!

@Expatornotyou’re missing the point spectacularly. No one acts like you shouldn’t discipline children of divorced parents but this situation would not have arisen in a situation where her parents were together. Unless you’re telling me that there’s a husband/father somewhere who has not spoken to his 13 year old since March despite them them living in the same house? No of course not because they would have made up by then.
All behaviour is communication. This girl sounds traumatised. She is testing your husbands response to her by challenging him, basically she is saying ‘do you love me enough?’ And unfortunately he failed the test. Children of divorce know that their home is not a given, they do not take that for granted. So by your husband essentially dropping her, not reaching out, he has reinforced all her fears that she belongs precisely nowhere and is wanted by no one.
OP, I’m a single mum and I get it, it’s lonely. But the situation is different for your girls as you are there constant, you are their home. If this girl doesn’t have this bond with her own mother, she is seeking it elsewhere. But first she had to
test you to make sure she is loved unconditionally, which I’m not sure your husband has done by dropping contact.
I was an absolute brat at 13/14. Police round, criminal record, school suspensions, pregnancy scares, you name it I did it. Think about if your girls were the same, would you just push them away? How often do two biological parents drop contact with their child when they are naughty? Compare that to how many children of divorce are shoved from one house to another, told they can’t cope, told they’re upsetting younger half or step siblings. If your child did damage to your cushions how would you react?

If you read the OPs posts the behavior seems a bit more than damaging cushions.

I didn’t say her husband should sever contact with the child. I said he should keep contact and the doors open.

im not sure how many people have lived with this kind of constant conflict? It’s awful and our decision was to just let things be and not force it. Our Ss was fully welcome back in our home provided his behavior was acceptable. He chose not to until many years later when he was able to reflect. I think that we would still be stuck in a loop of conflict if we had continued to engage with him and his mother on that level, there would have been absolutely no incentive to stop.

@Expatornotso if he was your own son, you would have put him into care at that point?

Nope but the child has options which she seems to be exercising. Ie living with her mother.

He reached out to her once only since March by message & she didn’t reply, it’s her birthday this week so he will message her then

He has a desperately unhappy child who has a volatile home life and he's contacted her once in three months?

There's a massive difference between enabling bad behaviour and lazy parenting and one message in three months is appalling.

Does he realise and acknowledge he's a part of the problem?

@Expatornotso just to check, you feel this situation is working? Child has tested boundaries and returned to mum, who doesn’t sound great. Can you not see why a child would feel unloved when one of their parents drops them? Doesn’t bother to contact them.

Don't see it that way, it wouldn't be a shame at all.
You shouldn't be losing your assets (house) by marrying this man. It would be in your kids best interests to not have an unrelated male in their home.

He's a terrible father.
If he massively enhances your life, brings peace and makes life fun, by all means enjoy dating him without making all the kids get involved.

Her behaviour is a communication of how she is feeling, and she is obviously feeling like shit. Her behaviour isn’t the issue, her feelings are and I’m not surprised she is feeling this way given her inconsistent parenting. She needs love, help and consistency. Unless she gets all three, she’ll continue to feel like shit and act out. It could get a lot worse. Your decision is where you fit in with this I’m afraid. I honestly couldn’t marry a man capable of ignoring a child in distress for months.

What would you have the father do? Go over there and demand visitation from a child who doesn’t want to see him? Pick her up kicking and screaming? The kid is picking what is easiest for her right now and that’s a mother that is less than good for her but she won’t know that until she is able to reflect with some age on her side. A court right now would give a 13 year old the choice to choose.

Ive already suggested that he keep the doors of communication open. Not much else he can do.

I would be delaying getting marrried for now.

Unless you both wanted children I wouldnt get married at all.

Your are wrong, there is actually a lot more he can do.

He goes to court and asks for visitation to be re-established and that they undergo counselling to ensure that its a positive step.

He writes to her and tells her how much he wants to support her and have a meaningful relationship with her.

He puts plans to marry on hold and instead spends that money and time on re-establishing the relationship.

If the DD refuses, he asks the court to establish communication through telephone calls, emails or if necessary letters.

He keeps trying to have a relationship with his DD so she can look back and say my dad did try. He wasn't a useless dad who walked away when the going gets tough.

He can literally do more than nothing and just shrugging his shoulders.

That’s what I mean about keeping the doors of communication open.

How do you propose a court will force the kid to talk to him? You are deluded. You cannot force a 13 year old to engage with you. You can keep trying and that’s what the father should do but you cannot get a court order demanding she visits if she doesn’t want to.

Have you done this before?

Yes we have been through the court process before and no I am not deluded. Our situation was much more complex than this one but we didn't give up or just shrug our shoulders. I would never respect a parent who did.

Of course she has the option to refuse but she will be interviewed by an FCA and her reasons will be given. She will know that her dad is actively trying to keep in contact her, not just being lazy by 'keeping the door open'. The FCA will ask about her home life with her mum and any issues concerning her welfare will be discussed.

I have been a step mum for a long time and there's no way you should just give up on a child.