AIBU not to want anything to do with my stepchild?

[SmokyWood]

I'll try to keep this brief - DP has an older stepchild, they dont live together. SC has constantly been in trouble, doesnt work and I dont think is a very nice person. They are what I would call abusive to DP, manipulating him emotionally and only ever in touch when they need something. They didnt send him so much as a text for Father's Day. I dont think they have a problem with me.

However, my mother has always had a difficult relationship with her stepchild. DM is not an easy person so I can understand they found her hard to accept and have been pretty unpleasant but I can see both sides. Bottom line she and her husband barely speak to them and he has written them out of his will. It has made life quite difficult for him.

My relationship with DM is complicated and I tend towards doing the opposite of what she does - not to be awkward but because I think she makes bad choices and I rarely agree with them.

Because of the situation with my mother I am really torn about SC. I dislike them intensely and hate how they treat DP. I want nothing to do with them but I feel DP needs support and I dont want to put him in a situation of having to 'choose' although they are really damaging him. But I can see how it has affected my SD and I dont want that for DP, or to make his life any harder.

Any advice on trying to do the right thing? I'm always unsure because of not wanting to be like my DM but I think the 2 situations are quite different.

How old is your sc?
how long have you been on their life?

Parent's usually have unconditional love for their DC as a parent it's very hard to step away from DC.
I don't think you can advise he cuts contact, but support him with healthy boundaries and acknowledge when DC behaviour causes pain( not DC themselves)
Has he expressed /recognised there is an issue with DC behaviour?
Did he ever have a good relationship with his DC? Has he been distant/absent dad? How did divorce impact their relationship?
Does DH ever contact his DC? Phone for a chat? arrange to spend time with them
Personally I would not cut DC out from my life, I would be trying to improve things/ help them make better choices.
But the way to do this is to build a better stronger relationship with DC before going straight in with a lecture.

SC is mid 20s, I have been with their dad about 4 years. He’s far from an absent father, he brought SC on his own when the mother wanted nothing to do with them - despite that the mother can do no wrong in SC’s eyes and DP is always the bad guy. I guess it hurts SC to admit their mother basically rejected them.

DP is a very good supportive dad as far as he’s allowed to be. He’s not good with boundaries though and SC makes the most of that.

Only 4 years, you don’t live with him, and the SC is an adult not living with your DP

how much interaction do you even need to have with this SC?

There’s more than 2 decades of parenting that you have not been around for Op, I would
not be so confident about my boyfriend’s parenting

She isn’t a child so I think you’re fine to have zero relationships with her , you can still be supportive to your partner. It’s not a situation it’s bother with .

What has your partners adult child actually done that is so awful and damaging to your partner? Because nothing is being asked of you from what you have written. It is simply that you are wondering whether to take a firmer stance (asking him to choose).

On the surface of it, I don't think you need to do anything; I would stay out of it and remain neutral/diplomatic. Your partner is an adult and this is his adult child; it's between them.

I think it’s just that I don’t like seeing DP get hurt, he’s been through abuse in the past and he’s quite vulnerable.

It’s true I don’t know everything that has happened in the past but I’ve seen enough of SCs awful behaviour to know it’s not acceptable.

But how often do you see this adult SC? What do you mean by ‘have nothing to do with’, in practice?

As they are an adult who doesn’t live with you and doesn't have much contact with your partner then surely you don't have much to do with them anyway. I don't really understand why you are even considering asking them to choose.

He’s an adult
with more than 2 decades of parenting with your SC that you have not been privy to.

He doesn’t need his girlfriend of 4 yrs to be in any way involved in looking out for him re his son

Actually I think someone does need to look out for him, this person treats him appallingly. It’s true I don’t really have much to do with them but they still affect his life and by default mine as well. Guess I should just step back but not sure why it’s implied I’m overstepping when SC is the one behaving badly - oh yes I forgot stepparents are always in the wrong on here 🙄

Hardly, on the step-parenting board.

It’s just very clear that what you actually mean is that you want your DP to have nothing to do with his adult child, and, bluntly, that’s not within your control. And that’s the case whatever the relationship is like.

I do think sometimes that would be best but I know it would hurt him more to go NC so no that’s not what I want. But he needs better boundaries for sure and I just hoped for a bit of advice on how to support him to do that.

Why should SC get away with behaviour that if it was a partner doing it everyone on here would be saying LTB?

You have absolutely no clue what the step child has experienced for over 20 years and zero basis to know what type of dad he has been.

by all means have nothing to do with them, but don’t assume you know an accurate history from a biased source, and prepare to be sidelined as his child gets older and he wants to be involved with grandchildren.

I've been with my dp for 6 years.

We live severely precisely because his adult child is an awful human being and I will not take anything to do with him at all and I never will.

It's totally fine to separate the relationships out, as long as you're both clear about the ground rules and stick to them.

Does your partner need your support with putting 'better boundaries' in? Has he asked for help with this?

@TheNightSurgeon same here, I don’t even want SC to know where I live and I’m not on any of DPs social media because I don’t trust SC or the people they hang around with.

Yes he’s really concerned because it’s affecting his health. This is honestly not just me trying to get one over on SC.

This is almost incomprehensible. I don't understand hiding the sex of your step child? How on earth is the fact that it's a young man or ayoung man goign to make a difference? And it just makes your posts very difficult to understand.

Either way, as a rule, parents do not go NC with their children. It' shard to believe that you find that so hard to get your head around. Your dp has parented this child, including having him/her live with him for a long time so why on earth do you think he's just giong to abandon them now?

This "child" is an adult. You don't have to spend much, if any, time with them but trying to force your DP to cut contat is not helpful. As others have said, you have no idea what has gone on. And while your DP's child's behaviour may well be completely unacceptable, it's not unusual for people in their 20s to take some time to process whatever happened int heir childhood, to behave badly in the meantime etc.

As for saying your Dp is "vulnerable" to their child? what does that even mean? So weird.

He is vulnerable because his adult child is abusive to him and he has previously suffered abuse. Details of SC aren’t relevant but the fact that they treat him like shit is. There’s a whole back story that I’m not prepared to share online but I do have more than DPs say about what has gone on. I’m sure he’s not blameless but he does his best to be a good dad and get continually hurt. Not sure why nobody is getting that.

How on earth is the fact that it's a young man or ayoung man goign to make a difference?

No that’s incomprehensible

that's a typo. Not that hard to understand really.

At the end of the day, if you aren't willing to give details, it's impossible to say who is wrong or to give advice.

Based purely on what you have said on this thread, I think you are being ridiculous to expect your DP to go no contact with his adult child.

I think it's perfectly fine for YOU to choose to have little or no contact with his adult child, although that might strain your relationship with your DP.

It's very difficult to understand why he's vulnerable so I'll take your word for it, but again, without information it's impossible to provide input. I know a man who is vulnerable in that he has mental health problems, makes poor decisions, is struggling to sort his life out. He's also, unfortunately, a truly awful human being who has caused untold harm to other people. Being "vulnerable" isn't an automatic get out of jail free card.

I'm struggling to see how they are your step child to be honest.
You are Dad's girlfriend, and they are your boyfriend/partners child.
You have no active role in parenting, and they were 16 when you and OH started dating.
I'm sure its hard listening to how he has been hurt by them, but you dont have an active or influencing role here in their life that I can see.

Edited to remove daughter and change to child/they.

People like to protect themselves from being outed on here when it’s a difficult situation. That’s normal. What are you so angry?!