AIBU not to want anything to do with my stepchild?

[SmokyWood]

I'll try to keep this brief - DP has an older stepchild, they dont live together. SC has constantly been in trouble, doesnt work and I dont think is a very nice person. They are what I would call abusive to DP, manipulating him emotionally and only ever in touch when they need something. They didnt send him so much as a text for Father's Day. I dont think they have a problem with me.

However, my mother has always had a difficult relationship with her stepchild. DM is not an easy person so I can understand they found her hard to accept and have been pretty unpleasant but I can see both sides. Bottom line she and her husband barely speak to them and he has written them out of his will. It has made life quite difficult for him.

My relationship with DM is complicated and I tend towards doing the opposite of what she does - not to be awkward but because I think she makes bad choices and I rarely agree with them.

Because of the situation with my mother I am really torn about SC. I dislike them intensely and hate how they treat DP. I want nothing to do with them but I feel DP needs support and I dont want to put him in a situation of having to 'choose' although they are really damaging him. But I can see how it has affected my SD and I dont want that for DP, or to make his life any harder.

Any advice on trying to do the right thing? I'm always unsure because of not wanting to be like my DM but I think the 2 situations are quite different.

Op at this point of your life, relationships are meant to be more about fun, taking off for weekends away, adventures. All without the responsibility of living together and children together and big plans for the future.

Instead you’re with a man who seems to have a difficult and tumultuous relationship with his now adult son, and he’s dragging you into it.

I would extract myself tbh.

It’s definitely crossed my mind. We do all those things and have a great time - it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in - but this is like a big cloud over it and I can’t see it changing. SC doesn’t look as though they will so it’s down to whether DP can maintain the boundaries - but I’m not sure I want a life where he’s always battling to do that.

Because it’s his CHILD, who he is supposed to unconditionally love no matter what. It can’t be compared to LTB with a partner.

It’s fine for you to choose not to spend time with the DSC as per your title question but YABVU to discourage your DP to cut off their DC or have no relationship with them.

Bottom line she and her husband barely speak to them and he has written them out of his will. It has made life quite difficult for him.

you see I read this and I have zero sympathy for her husband. He should have prioritised his children over his * DM is not an easy person so I can understand they found her hard to accept * but instead he prioritised his new partner and now has almost no relationship with his children.

OP, if this man is a decent man, then he will always try to be involved as possible in supporting his son, who sounds like a very troubled man that has had a very difficult and tumultuous childhood.

Does your SC live alone?

It’s fine for you to choose not to spend time with the DSC as per your title question but YABVU to discourage your DP to cut off their DC or have no relationship with them.

Nailed it.

Hi OP,

If your DP is finding things difficult, the onus needs to be on him to find a way around this, with you supporting what he wants, not you doing what you want him to do.

Can he access talking therapy privately while he is on the waitlist?

You can of course choose to have nothing to do with your adult SC but your partner needs to craft his own relationship with his child, and that should be the relationship they want, not what you want.

Take what happened with your Mum out of the equation as much as you can.

Good luck 💐

Thank you, I’m aware I’m letting my own family situation influence how I feel - I don’t want DP to break contact and I agree that my mums husband shouldn’t have either. But it is very difficult because it’s having a big impact on our relationship - I guess I just need to take several steps back but I feel I should be more supportive.

@Gingerbis SC has an on and offer partner who is equally bad news, they’re not currently living together

does he have a job?
he lives alone or with his partner?

OP you have a child. Channel all your efforts and energy in to your child, and leave your boyfriend to deal with his child

I’m not very good at this being discreet lark, I didn’t think I’d mentioned whether SC was male or female or that I had a child 🤦🏻

No SC isnt working. I think they need urgent help for their mental health issues but they refuse.

Not your business

you have children
this adult step child is a) an adult b) has a father and c) you barely know him

so just leave it to play out without your involvement.

EMaybe not SC’s fault, it doesn’t appear to be DPs

you’ve been on the scene 4 years
there’s more than 20 years of history and parenting that you weren’t present for

You aren’t a step parent - this is your boyfriends adult child

Yes thanks I’ve apologised for saying that at least twice 🙄 Purely just for speed, nothing sinister

There is another parent who does absolutely bugger all - I’ve seen that for myself. If DP is in any way to blame she needs to take some responsibility too.

No one has remotely said otherwise OP

Is there nothing that you can be focussing on re your own children instead of your boyfriends adult child?

My child doesn’t have a negative impact on either mine or my DPs life, we’re very close but they’re making their own way in the world and I’m really proud of them - I’m not neglecting them if that’s what you’re trying to say.

Possibly not but they’re quick enough to imply DP is at fault and to slate me for being involved when I’d actually prefer not to be and the mother gets away with being a useless parent.

I’m not saying you’re neglecting them
but I’m baffled you are concentrating all this effort on to an adult that you barely know. The only reason you do is because your boyfriend keeps loading it on you.

Fgs we’re talking about a man in his med twenties op.

Good grief, this is all very peculiar

Get back on the dating apps if I were you

who wants this kind of negative drama in a relationship at a stage of life that really should be more fun and responsibility free than this!

No, it’s just that you are suggesting that you need to interfere in a relationship between a man and his adult child. You don’t- unless your DP asks you explicitly to do something, you don’t do anything.

I wouldn’t thank anyone for getting involved in my relationship with my children. I will handle it how I see fit thank you. Don’t underestimate the bond between parent and child. I’ve treated my parents pretty poorly in the past as a young adult but they never abandoned me and now in my mid 40s I’m massively appreciative of them and look out for them.

you are only 4 years into a relationship with this man whereas he has had a relationship with his child forever. You are the newbie and need to stay well out.

So you have already raised a child who is now a fully function, happy, settled adult with whom you have no issues with.

And you choosing to actively get involved with a parent / child dynamic that sounds sad, unhealthy and full of drama. With no end in sight?

This boyfriend must be the man for your dreams for you to choosing this at this current period of your life