AIBU not to want anything to do with my stepchild?

[SmokyWood]

I'll try to keep this brief - DP has an older stepchild, they dont live together. SC has constantly been in trouble, doesnt work and I dont think is a very nice person. They are what I would call abusive to DP, manipulating him emotionally and only ever in touch when they need something. They didnt send him so much as a text for Father's Day. I dont think they have a problem with me.

However, my mother has always had a difficult relationship with her stepchild. DM is not an easy person so I can understand they found her hard to accept and have been pretty unpleasant but I can see both sides. Bottom line she and her husband barely speak to them and he has written them out of his will. It has made life quite difficult for him.

My relationship with DM is complicated and I tend towards doing the opposite of what she does - not to be awkward but because I think she makes bad choices and I rarely agree with them.

Because of the situation with my mother I am really torn about SC. I dislike them intensely and hate how they treat DP. I want nothing to do with them but I feel DP needs support and I dont want to put him in a situation of having to 'choose' although they are really damaging him. But I can see how it has affected my SD and I dont want that for DP, or to make his life any harder.

Any advice on trying to do the right thing? I'm always unsure because of not wanting to be like my DM but I think the 2 situations are quite different.

I agree with this. You’re not their step parent you’ve been around for a few years in their adulthood.

You cannot force your partner to go no contact nor put in place better boundaries, ultimately that has to be something he does for himself. If you don’t want contact with your partners son/daughter that’s fine, don’t have contact. But you cannot expect your partner to feel the same way. He’s an adult and whilst I appreciate things sound difficult, he has to put these boundaries in for himself.

This is not your step child in the normal sense. You are not in a quasi /semi official/ parental role at all and will not ever be like that. I think this is a helpful distinction for you because you are comparing it to a relationship your mother had with her step child. It doesn't sound comparable at all.

I would view the situation as your partner has a difficult relationship with one of their family members and from your perspective it doesn't matter if it's your partner's son/daughter/parent or sibling. You don't need a relationship with that person at all. You can be civil and polite but don't need to seek them out to build a relationship or interfere at all. You don't need to share personal details if you don't feel like it.

You also should stay well out of being involved in how your DP 's relationship is with that person. Don't get in the middle however well intentioned you are. If it is as abusive as you say, your dp needs to tackle it in their own time and way. If you try and encourage "boundaries" you risk your own relationship and will become the "bad guy" in the whole situation.

Instead you focus on supporting your partner by listening and supporting without any direct involvement yourself.

It's very tricky though and I'm sure it's hard seeing your DP go through it.

@boredaf yes that’s sensible advice. I’m just using ‘stepchild’ for speed but I know I’m not actually their stepmother and don’t have any real need for a relationship with them.

For all those saying I’m trying to get DP to go NC, if you read my original post I actually say that my mother has done this with her stepchild and I disagree with it - I don’t think it’s right in either situation but my relationship with DP is impacted by SC’s behaviour. I’m trying to deal with it better than I feel my mother has, that’s what this was meant to be about.

You’ve only been together for 4 years and this “child” is in their 20’s, respectfully, this is none of your business. You have absolutely no idea what the dynamics and history are here & you only have one side of the story.

Honestly, I think your relationship with your mother and her relationship with her stepchild is having way too big an impact on this situation and I suggest you consider getting therapy for that.

You do not need to have a relationship with this person. You say their behaviour is impacting on your dp and thereby you, can you give examples.

You only know your dp version of events, just bare in mind that there are two sides to the story. Encourage your dp to put in reasonable boundaries but just be aware that if you force him to chose he is unlikely to pick you,

I think it’s an important distinction that you’re not a step parent, usually step parents are there throughout at least a portion of the stepchild’s childhood and the relationship is built on that. It’s not the same in your case and sounds different to the situation with your mother. With that being said, what your mum did or didn’t do shouldn’t really be playing a role in your decision making here.

I know that’s what the OP was about but your replies on the thread implied otherwise (they did to me anyway). I appreciate it must be difficult to watch your partner struggle with their relationship with their child, but ultimately I think you need to take a step back and allow him to figure it out. He’s already said he needs better boundaries, but that’s on him and him alone to put these in place. It’s not really your place to be involved at all. If you don’t want to seek out contact with their child then don’t, it’s a separate issue to everything else.

Whatever you do about your stepchild, stop letting your mother live rent free in your head.

I don’t have anything to do with my sc, haven’t for two years and before that very little for twelve months.
She treated my dh appallingly. Genuinely manipulative selfish young woman.
the day she knocks the door my position won’t change, I’ll support my dh but I don’t ever want to see her again after the things she’s done

Again, that’s not in your control. Two people, a parent and child, are involved here, and neither of them are you.

Comparing a SC to a partner is a bit like saying ‘But why would it be ok if the situation were a completely different one?’ If your DP had a bad relationship with an ex, changing either the ex’s behaviour or your DP’s still wouldn’t be within your power. Your DP doesn’t get to ‘LTB’ because the person in question is his adult child, plus he doesn’t want. Presumably, neither does his child. You say yourself you want no relationship with your adult SC, but it’s the lain you don’t see a lot of them anyway, so we’re back to the fact that you’re struggling with the relationship between your DP and his adult child. About which you can do nothing.

@FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury I think you might have nailed it actually

The OP said:

I’ve seen enough of SCs awful behaviour to know it’s not acceptable.

No I’ve seen the texts and witnessed the calls and been involved in the bailing out of trouble.

What do you mean by you being involved in bailing him out of trouble?

op your husband has been this person’s parent for 25 years.

You have been in his life less than a handful of years.

generally speaking, the circumstances that your “sc” finds himself in and the relationship between your DP and “sc” don’t usually happen unless some SERIOUS shit has gone down over the years that you Op, after being his girlfriend for 4 years and not living together…. Have squat all idea about

Its really important for people to have good relationships with their children, for their long term health and happiness. Support your DP to be a good dad, you don't know the whole story about them at all and you might feel bad if you negatively affect that relationship.

Would I be right In thinking your has “unhinged and insane” ex partners?

I don’t think they were great or he’d still be with them but it’s not like that - I see where you’re going though because I’m aware I sound like I’m making excuses for DP.

I also know nothing is ever black and white but DP accepts mistakes he’s made whereas SC blames anyone but themselves.

And by ‘bailing out’ I mean in the literal sense of someone being in police custody.

So you provided the bail money?

He is on bail currently?
There will be twenty years of a relationship Op that you really can’t begin to imagine. People don’t generally end up like your boyfriend’s child has without some very serious historical shit.

I would edge myself away from this, which should be fairly easy as you don’t live together and this SC doesn’t live with your partner either

You have no active role in parenting, and they were 16 when you and OH started dating.

given he is mid twenties and the op and his father have been together 4 years, more like the op first met him when he was 21

Because theres.a huge difference between being a partner and being a child.

People don’t generally end up like your boyfriend’s child has without some very serious historical shit.

Yes exactly. Maybe not SC’s fault, it doesn’t appear to be DPs but as several people have pointed out I’ll never really know. But when I say it affects our relationship, as well as hating to see DP hurt it also keeps a barrier between us because I don’t want that sort of drama in my life.

I do have sympathy for SC actually but their refusal to get help or take any responsibility makes it increasingly difficult.

I suggest you say to DP that you’re best off out of the issues regarding his adult son.

There will be one hell of a history to all this that you’re jumping in to head first. Just withdraw from this aspect of his life. You don’t live together so shouldn’t be too hard

OP this young man isnt your step child, he is the son of your partner

So you dont have to have anything to do with him so thats easy

In terms of being there for your partner, I would say your role is to advise and support, are there different emotional strategies your partner could employ to protect himself emotionally (and possibly financially too), does he need counselling so that he has someone independent to support him with how he processes and manages his feelings.

He’s on a waiting list for counselling - part of the problem is that I’m one of very few people who supports him. He has mates but you know what men are like for sharing their feelings 🤦🏻 and his family don’t really want to know. I’m torn between feeling sad and angry that he’s being hurt and losing respect for him because he allows it.

Apologies if I misled anyone by referring to my ‘stepchild’, it’s just quicker than saying ‘my DP’s adult child’ but I realise the difference in this context.