Was it OK for me to go out all day?

Changedit2025 · 2025-04-26T14:48:54+00:00

So there is a lot of history with my DH relying on me for childcare for his 3 children. They live with us 50% of the time. I do all school pick ups and drop offs on our days as well as working a full time job - I'm fortunate to have a job with flexibility unlike my husband. However this means that invariably after school I am regularly trying to work from home whilst tending the needs of his children and our shared child until he finishes work. Today he has changed his arrangement with his ex due to plans this weekend, essentially we had the children a different night. What he didn't think about was that he is working a full days shift today, therefore obviously expecting me to spend the day looking after his children when on a normal weekend they would be with their mother. He didn't ask he just presumed. Well, I had plans today with my family so I took myself and our shared child out and left him working from home to look after his own children. I dont think I was wrong to do this but there is a part of me saying you are married so you should suck things like this up. But I'm getting really sick of covering childcare for him all the time. The children don't come here to see me, in my mind it's ridiculous he arranged to swap a night knowing he was working the full day they would be at ours and expect me to change my plans and give up a full day of my weekend to sit round the house with them all. I couldn't take them out anywhere if that's a suggestion because they wouldn't go without their dad! Rant over!!!

TheyreThreeTheyreSixTheyreNineandTen · 26/04/2025 15:57

👏🏻 well done op. See how he likes it!
As a family doing my fair share wouldn’t be an issue, him agreeing to a swap presuming I’ll just ‘suck it up’ would piss me off. He should be dealing with his children the majority of the time imo.

Scousemousey · 26/04/2025 15:59

I don't think you've BU. If he had asked if you could do it, that would be one thing, but it seems he is taking you for granted. He'll get the message now, though.

Codlingmoths · 26/04/2025 16:00

This seems more than reasonable and extremely overdue. You are being taken for granted - I don’t juggle my own children and working from home unless I can’t avoid it. Can I suggest you explain this is a shit arrangement for you and from now on the days you do have to, the moment he walks in the door you say great and disappear to focus on work while he gets dinner. And tell him he has to be home by 5:30 those days or the whole arrangement is off, he can’t just take you for granted as childcare even though you’re working.

Bigfatsunandclouds · 26/04/2025 16:04

You shouldn't be expected to do this much childcare! He's not even seeing them so what's the point? Is this to make both parents lives easier or to save on maintenance? Either way it's a ridiculous expectation for you to do this for 50% of week.

Good for you - I think you need a serious conversation, what would he do if you left him? How would he propose to do 50/50? He just couldnt do it or he'd have to change his lifestyle. I have such disdain for men who basically get another wife/girlfriend and expect them to pick up the slack for their shit parenting.

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 26/04/2025 16:05

Tell the part of you thinking you should suck this up to pipe down. Marriage is not supposed to be to enable another person to use you and disrespect you. Teamwork is one thing, but this is an out and out piss take.
What did the actual parent of these children have to say about being expected to took after them?

Original poster

Changedit2025 · 26/04/2025 16:07

Thanks all, sometimes I know that I'm not really in the wrong but it's good to get outsiders opinions! I realised I didn't specify ages in my original post - I didn't leave him with toddlers, his children are aged 7 and over. I'm just annoyed now that I spent part of the day with my family with a sense of guilt hanging over me because he just thought I'd be there to supervise them all day.

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countrygirl99 · 26/04/2025 16:10

Even if they were all your children living there 100% of the time he shouldn't take it for granted that he can change plans without checking.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/04/2025 16:14

Well done op. You should do this far far far more often. Unless he’s putting substantially more money in to the joint pot I would be rethinking school pick ups too.

Eggsinthewhoopsiebasketalready · 26/04/2025 16:15

If he kicks off remind him you aren't his nanny.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/04/2025 16:17

reading between the lines op, he doesn’t sound very good.

heres why I think that - 50/50 would be either because a) you want to be a totally involved parent - great or b) you want to get out of paying maintenance - shit. It can only be one or the other. He has opted for 50/50 but isn’t doing 50% of parenting, therefore the only reason it’s 50/50 is to pay less for his own children/shaft their mother.

not very pleasant.

Original poster

Changedit2025 · 26/04/2025 16:32

Bigfatsunandclouds · 26/04/2025 16:04

You shouldn't be expected to do this much childcare! He's not even seeing them so what's the point? Is this to make both parents lives easier or to save on maintenance? Either way it's a ridiculous expectation for you to do this for 50% of week.

Good for you - I think you need a serious conversation, what would he do if you left him? How would he propose to do 50/50? He just couldnt do it or he'd have to change his lifestyle. I have such disdain for men who basically get another wife/girlfriend and expect them to pick up the slack for their shit parenting.

I do sometimes think, what would happen if we divorced? Myself and our child would be fine.... I earn double what he earns.... he would end up sleeping on his mothers couch!

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Gundogday · 26/04/2025 16:34

Even if they were all bio children, you still entitled to have days out.

CowTown · 26/04/2025 16:39

Changedit2025 · 26/04/2025 16:32

I do sometimes think, what would happen if we divorced? Myself and our child would be fine.... I earn double what he earns.... he would end up sleeping on his mothers couch!

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All the more reason to have the conversation.

And as pp have said, even if they all were your bio kids, it would be unreasonable to change already agreed plans which meant that you were now solo parenting all day, without consulting you first. That’s being a shit partner IMO.

Neveragain35 · 26/04/2025 16:41

You shouldn’t be expected to do it at all, however in this situation it really needs to be a conversation. How did his DC feel about you and your shared child going out for the day to see “your” family and they weren’t invited?

I can see why you are mad with him, but don’t put the children in the middle. They didn’t ask for this.

Rainbowstripes · 26/04/2025 16:42

Not unreasonable at all regarding him assuming you would look after them and didn't have plans but having been that stepchild grown up that wasn't included in anything to do with my stepparents families the obvious preference does hurt at a young age. Not your fault at all - it's his responsibility but not his kids fault either

Sauvin · 26/04/2025 16:43

I don’t think you should feel guilty. Was he annoyed? You haven’t actually told us how he felt about it.

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 26/04/2025 16:53

Neveragain35 · 26/04/2025 16:41

You shouldn’t be expected to do it at all, however in this situation it really needs to be a conversation. How did his DC feel about you and your shared child going out for the day to see “your” family and they weren’t invited?

I can see why you are mad with him, but don’t put the children in the middle. They didn’t ask for this.

Well that's fairly irrelevant because ops family are not his dc's family. No need for the quotation marks. Might be different if ops dh was also invited, but he wasn't, and the kids were there to spend time with him.

Mrsttcno1 · 26/04/2025 16:56

countrygirl99 · 26/04/2025 16:10

Even if they were all your children living there 100% of the time he shouldn't take it for granted that he can change plans without checking.

This!!

The fact they are stepkids is a red herring really, even if they were joint kids it’s not okay to just change plans and expect the other parent to pick up the slack for you without discussion or agreement.

Neveragain35 · 26/04/2025 17:01

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 26/04/2025 16:53

Well that's fairly irrelevant because ops family are not his dc's family. No need for the quotation marks. Might be different if ops dh was also invited, but he wasn't, and the kids were there to spend time with him.

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She is their stepmother- they are her family. If we unexpectedly had my SC for the weekend and I already had plans with DD I would at least invite them. And I would also have a conversation with DH about the plan for them. Yes he is being a dick, but it is not the children’s fault.

Original poster

Changedit2025 · 26/04/2025 17:02

Sauvin · 26/04/2025 16:43

I don’t think you should feel guilty. Was he annoyed? You haven’t actually told us how he felt about it.

I dont know yet! I assume he was probably annoyed when he had to make lunch for them all on his lunch break instead of being able to spend it playing computer games...... arrggh I'm in a peri menopausal mood today (!)

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SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 26/04/2025 17:03

This man is exploiting you, I'm appalled at what I've just read.

Rather than his kids spend time with their mother, he's instead forcing his current wife, unrelated to the kids, to parent them for him, for 50% of their lives? He's a disgrace, and it speaks volumes to how he views women- appliances to use.

I hope you find your anger and start the divorce.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 26/04/2025 17:06

Neveragain35 · 26/04/2025 17:01

She is their stepmother- they are her family. If we unexpectedly had my SC for the weekend and I already had plans with DD I would at least invite them. And I would also have a conversation with DH about the plan for them. Yes he is being a dick, but it is not the children’s fault.

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Did you miss the part where the kids won’t go out without their dad?

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 26/04/2025 17:09

Changedit2025 · 26/04/2025 17:02

I dont know yet! I assume he was probably annoyed when he had to make lunch for them all on his lunch break instead of being able to spend it playing computer games...... arrggh I'm in a peri menopausal mood today (!)

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No, you are in the exactly right type of mood , because what he is doing is not right or ok, for you or the kids. How many times has he actually been in charge of all the kids on his own? I bet not many, if at all, when you not only do it regularly, but it’s an expectation and you having plans/a life is actually an inconvenience. Fuck that.

Iloveacurry · 26/04/2025 17:16

Well done op. Don’t feel guilty.

Original poster

Changedit2025 · 26/04/2025 17:22

Just to reply to msgs asking why I didn't take SC along with me today, it's hard to describe without you knowing us all personally but I can categorically state they will not go out anywhere unless its with their dad or their mum. The only exception to this is when i pick them up or drop them off at school. I have tried many times in the past to include them as suggested but if dad isn't there it's a disaster so I stopped trying to force things and so it ends up being me and my DD. It's not for want of trying, believe me!

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