Was it OK for me to go out all day?

[Changedit2025]

So there is a lot of history with my DH relying on me for childcare for his 3 children. They live with us 50% of the time. I do all school pick ups and drop offs on our days as well as working a full time job - I'm fortunate to have a job with flexibility unlike my husband. However this means that invariably after school I am regularly trying to work from home whilst tending the needs of his children and our shared child until he finishes work.
Today he has changed his arrangement with his ex due to plans this weekend, essentially we had the children a different night. What he didn't think about was that he is working a full days shift today, therefore obviously expecting me to spend the day looking after his children when on a normal weekend they would be with their mother. He didn't ask he just presumed. Well, I had plans today with my family so I took myself and our shared child out and left him working from home to look after his own children.
I dont think I was wrong to do this but there is a part of me saying you are married so you should suck things like this up. But I'm getting really sick of covering childcare for him all the time. The children don't come here to see me, in my mind it's ridiculous he arranged to swap a night knowing he was working the full day they would be at ours and expect me to change my plans and give up a full day of my weekend to sit round the house with them all. I couldn't take them out anywhere if that's a suggestion because they wouldn't go without their dad!

Rant over!!!

Good for you

He is taking the absolute piss out of you.

Yes it’s ok for him to ask occasionally if you can help out with his kids if he’s really stuck but he 100% shouldn’t be relying on you for continued childcare on a regular basis.

Stand up for yourself and stop letting him do this.

Why is he not spending the day with his children? Isn't that the point of having them 50/50? Parents of young children don't usually get to spend all day playing computer games-they might get an hour or two in the evening after the kids have gone to bed, if they are lucky.

Well done @Changedit2025 good for you.
I hope you're not stuck cooking dinner after a nice day out.

Good for you! It's common courtesy to run changes past your spouse. He didn't bother because he thought it would effect him. Bet he doesn't do it again!

He would screw you over due to having his other kids 50% of the time on paper.

He would be able to argue that they live in your joint property and he requires a larger residence.

You need to reduce the time he has his kids as you cannot look after them and work from home if they are primary age and/or have SEN. Lots of workplaces now make it clear if you WFH you cannot not be looking after primary age kids.

Blimey @Changedit2025your DH has got it good, hasn’t he?

50:50 residency so presumably, no child support payments to ex wife.

New wife does the school drop offs and pick ups on his days. Then looks after dc so he can work.

New wife earns double his salary.

He played a blinder. What’s his secret?

There is no reason for them to be invited as they don't know the OPs family and aren't related plus more importantly they are there to spend time with their dad.

The fact they see their younger sibling as well is a bonus but their younger sibling won't always be around due to the age difference.

Strange how these posts blaming the OP started once she stated she would be ok if they divorced cos she earns twice as much as him

Effectively he needs 2 women to help him look after his kids.

@Neveragain35 they are her family So Family Court would give stepmum right to contact time if they split right?

Why won't they go out without him - what happens? Given you are doing a lot of child care, it doesn't sound like an acceptable situation if these children are able to refuse reasonable requests that you make of them. I am interested how the behave when you try to take them out, and what their father does about this behaviour?

Not only should be not change plans without checking your availability; he also needs to be doing his best to ensure that his children behave well, for you and any other adults who may need to be in loco parentis at any point. (Babysitters, other family members etc).

It's fine if an equivalent consideration (favour?) is returned. Doesn't sound like it is though.

What's fine? The man dumping his kids on his current wife to raise when he is meant to be raising them 50% between him and their mother?

It’s absolutely fine that you went out all day.

If you had stayed home and then come on here to talk about it, many of us would have told you that you should have done exactly as you have done.

Your husband doesn’t sound up to much to be honesty. Either as a husband or a dad.

They are there to see their dad. They saw their dad. What is the problem?

Either looking after 3 kids whilst working is easy - in which case there is no problem or it is hard - in which case he needs to be a bit more appreciative of the fact that you do it. (Whilst earning the lion’s share of the family income!)

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and I’m so glad you did this. You are not a nanny. If he was expecting you to care for his children he should have consulted you before agreeing to the change. I’d be furious at your arrangement.

Cheeky twat! I’m furious on your behalf. Why does he just assume you’re at his disposal - you’re not free labour.

I do not k ow how you've managed this for so long op

You're giving an inch, he's taking many miles

Unsurprisingly, hubby has no flexibility in his job.

He just doesn't. He doesn't want to, he can't, it's inflexible.

How odd.

What do you mean the children won’t go anywhere without their dad? So every time you’re stuck looking after his children you have to stay in the house? Fuck that. So you can’t take them to the park? Or out for the day in school holidays with your child? Fuck that bullshit. Kids don’t get to decide they aren’t leaving the house. Especially a 7 year old. I’d just refuse point blank to have them at all. They sound AWFUL

@Gymmum82 do they sound awful? They're there to be parented by their father.

He's a deadbeat and is deliberately depriving them of either of their parents, and is using the OP. He is cruel, OP should put a stop to it.

So the dsc see you a staff only also? Wonder how they got that idea? Good enough as a driver but that's all. Do they bother with their half sibling?

Refusing to leave the house with anyone other than their father? Yeah that sounds pretty awful. I realise she’s not their parent. But she is their siblings mother and carer for them. I expect any children in my home be they mine or not to do as I ask. If I want to go to the playground after school they would be expected to come. If I want to go out in school holidays and they are in my care they would be expected to come. Unless they are old enough to stay home alone. Which at 7 they are not. They sound disrespectful of the OP and I wouldn’t stand for that

I bet he got the eldest DC to make lunch.

I would stop being so flexible and accommodating op, he needs to realise that HE has 4 children, you only have responsibility for 1.