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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step son has told alot of lies

62 replies

GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 22:26

Please read and don’t pass judgment- it’s a long one but I would really appreciate all help

I am at a complete loss of what to do, my partners son who I absolutely adore is 11 years old, recently there has been a massive change in his behaviour at school but he has been his usual self at home no problems with him at all.
until I met his daddy 2 1/2 years ago it was just them two when he was at his dads (apart from his dads ex partner who wasn’t great to either of them). Me and his dad have gotten engaged recently and he was there and was so happy about this but recently we have all just moved into the one house together so 4 of us me and my daughter my partner and his son and around this time his behaviour in school changed- getting into fights, threatening other children, being rude to adults etc but again an angel at both our home and his mums.
not the problem is we had a visit from social servies today due to his behaviour in school and during this time it was said that my partners son has expressed that I drink everyday, he is afraid of my shouting and that me and his father argue all of the time.. all of these things are a complete lie, I consume alcohol on extremely
rare occasions and on top of this me and his father very rarely have a cross word let alone a risk of any aggression.
I now have no idea what I am supposed to do or where this has even come from and I know this is going to cause a massive strain on my relationship with both my partner and his son who before today I thought I had an incredible relationship with and I now have the worry of this potentially effecting my daughter who is completely unaware of any of this.

I suppose what I’m saying is where do I go from here or has anyone been in any similar type of situation that can point me in the right direction because I’m at a loss.

OP posts:
MonsteraDelicious · 23/04/2025 22:37

Did he recently start secondary school too?

Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 22:41

no he isn’t due to start high school until September, he has always struggled from time to time in school but nothing like this and my biggest concern at the moment is the lies he is willing to make up against me with no reasoning for it, I have never so much as raised a voice around this child in the past 2 1/2 years so it has taken me by complete surprise to be told what we have been today

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 22:43

And just to add because of the things he has said he hasn’t been with us for just over a week but due to the Easter break we have only just found out what was said during a meeting he had with his mum so I now feel like I am trying to prove myself and my innocence against allegations that me, his father and he knows are lies without causing anymore stress and upset to everyone but this has completely shaken me and my mind hasn’t stopped all day with worry

OP posts:
HeyCooper · 23/04/2025 22:52

personally I’d give him a wide birth for a few months. Go do some nice things with your DD and enjoy yourself.

Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 22:56

Thank you for your reply. My only worry with this is that we all live together and he stays with us 3/4 nights out of the week usually and I don’t want him feeling uncomfortable but likewise I also don’t want to and I’m not sure if there is a way round this. I adore this child and his father so I’m not sure how we move forward

OP posts:
Happyinarcon · 23/04/2025 22:57

sounds like something weird is going on at school. His behavior will make sense if you can get to the bottom of what’s going on around him

Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 23:00

Happyinarcon · 23/04/2025 22:57

sounds like something weird is going on at school. His behavior will make sense if you can get to the bottom of what’s going on around him

Absolutely but all of his frustrations seem to be targeted toward me which is what I’m finding difficult and without outright telling him he is lying and asking why he is doing this in front of his dad or another family member I don’t know what other solution there is and on the other hand I would never approach the situation like this

OP posts:
Gattopardo · 23/04/2025 23:00

He’s got a new home set up and a resident step sibling at a time when his hormones will be kicking in. That’s a LOT to deal with.

Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 23:03

Gattopardo · 23/04/2025 23:00

He’s got a new home set up and a resident step sibling at a time when his hormones will be kicking in. That’s a LOT to deal with.

Absolutely and I completely agree and I believe maybe jealousy is playing a massive part in this and maybe he feels like I’m taking time from him and his dad as he was used to it being just them although I can’t stress enough that this is not the case, they still have boys nights away, fishing trips days out etc where it’s just the both of them so I don’t know where this massive turn has come with him hating me all of a sudden

OP posts:
LivelyMintViper · 23/04/2025 23:04

Has his father asked him why he is doing this? 😭

Gattopardo · 23/04/2025 23:04

If your partner’s last partner wasn’t good to the child / his dad and then they split up, then it’s doubly unsurprising he has you in the frame. He’s probably trying to stave off a repeat performance. I’m not for a minute saying you’re as bad as the ex (!) but what your partner’s son is doing may be perfectly logical to him.

Hollyhedge · 23/04/2025 23:05

Is he getting counseling?? Step families are very hard on children and they may be fine on the outside but not fine at all. Seems like he is showing how he really feels. Must be hard. He needs all the support he can get

Flytrap01 · 23/04/2025 23:06

hes using it as an excuse to avoid getting into trouble at school

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/04/2025 23:06

Do you think his mum might be drinking too much? Sometimes children tell the truth but about the wrong person to text the reactions of adults

Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 23:06

LivelyMintViper · 23/04/2025 23:04

Has his father asked him why he is doing this? 😭

He hasn’t had a chance to as his mum hasn’t allowed any contact since this all came around which as a mum I understand as I would be the same if I was told the same things which brings me back to the point of how do I prove this is all lies and that none of what has been said is even remotely close to being true and although his dad knows 1 million percent that it is lies I still can’t help but worry where this will leave us in the long run

OP posts:
Flytrap01 · 23/04/2025 23:08

GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 23:06

He hasn’t had a chance to as his mum hasn’t allowed any contact since this all came around which as a mum I understand as I would be the same if I was told the same things which brings me back to the point of how do I prove this is all lies and that none of what has been said is even remotely close to being true and although his dad knows 1 million percent that it is lies I still can’t help but worry where this will leave us in the long run

Show quote history

basically he cannot be trusted

Theunamedcat · 23/04/2025 23:09

Has he moved into your house or have you moved in to a new house together? Things might be going too fast and maybe you could not live together until it's resolved

MissJeanBrodiesmother · 23/04/2025 23:09

I think I would be clearly telling all concerned that I am unable to be around him because of the false accusations.

dottydaily · 23/04/2025 23:09

my step Daughter was 12 when I got engaged to her Dad.it was a terrible year,she was so difficult with me. I did not enjoy it but remained calm with her and endured it,often sad and angry myself.i could not figure it out,I remember wondering if she was been bullied at school etc...in hindsight I believe it was hormonal changes,after the year passed everything settled again...so don't fret,be true to yourself..can be a challenging time for children as there body changes.

Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 23:11

Truthfully I’m not sure what happens at his mums house and I would never second guess it as his mum is a great mum from what I know so would never question anything else, he is very much a loved and cared for boy in all homes so I guess it’s just a shock to the system that any of this has come out of his mouth and especially the lies.
we aren’t in anyway a new couple so he is very used to both me and my daughter as we have been blending our families for 2 1/2 years and as I mentioned within those there has never been a raised voice, aggression, alcohol misuse or anything else so I suppose I don’t really know what else to say on the situation as it’s all very confusing and as we haven’t got to speak to him we don’t know exactly what his little mind is thinking or why exactly he is doing this

OP posts:
Sickofschoolruns · 23/04/2025 23:13

Behaviour is communication. He may say he is happy to you and Dad with the living situation, but his behaviour shows he is unsettled. My advice would be to take a step back and move into separate houses.

Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 23:17

dottydaily · 23/04/2025 23:09

my step Daughter was 12 when I got engaged to her Dad.it was a terrible year,she was so difficult with me. I did not enjoy it but remained calm with her and endured it,often sad and angry myself.i could not figure it out,I remember wondering if she was been bullied at school etc...in hindsight I believe it was hormonal changes,after the year passed everything settled again...so don't fret,be true to yourself..can be a challenging time for children as there body changes.

Thank you so much, I guess it’s just a matter of taking it each day as it comes at the minute until some kind of resolve can come from this. I just keep getting an uncomfortable feeling of what the next few weeks may bring when he does come back home as I would never not want him to be here but I also need him to understand the impact that the lies he is telling are as this could cause potential issues for me and my daughter if safeguarding becomes an issue due to the alcohol and arguin statment that has been made and of course it could cause a lot of problems in my relationship with his dad

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldDeer · 23/04/2025 23:18

Sickofschoolruns · 23/04/2025 23:13

Behaviour is communication. He may say he is happy to you and Dad with the living situation, but his behaviour shows he is unsettled. My advice would be to take a step back and move into separate houses.

We are a newly engaged couple and have just purchased this home together as our forever family home for the 4 of us so living in separate homes is not an option unless separating completely is on the cards

OP posts:
MonsteraDelicious · 23/04/2025 23:27

I think his dad needs to speak to him. Take him for a drive or something else where it's side to side not face to face to have a non confrontational chat.

He needs to get to try and identify the feelings behind the behaviour, while firmly making him aware that while any feelings he has are understandable and and he will help him with whatever it is he is going through, telling lies like he has are very serious, could lead to XYZ, and must never be repeated.

Stripeyanddotty · 23/04/2025 23:34

So you are the next relationship that his father has had after his father’s previous partner was ‘not very good to either of them’. In what way was she not ‘good to them’? Did his father live with her?
How soon did you get into a relationship with his father after he split up with the ex?

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