Step son has told alot of lies

[GoldDeer]

Please read and don’t pass judgment- it’s a long one but I would really appreciate all help

I am at a complete loss of what to do, my partners son who I absolutely adore is 11 years old, recently there has been a massive change in his behaviour at school but he has been his usual self at home no problems with him at all.
until I met his daddy 2 1/2 years ago it was just them two when he was at his dads (apart from his dads ex partner who wasn’t great to either of them). Me and his dad have gotten engaged recently and he was there and was so happy about this but recently we have all just moved into the one house together so 4 of us me and my daughter my partner and his son and around this time his behaviour in school changed- getting into fights, threatening other children, being rude to adults etc but again an angel at both our home and his mums.
not the problem is we had a visit from social servies today due to his behaviour in school and during this time it was said that my partners son has expressed that I drink everyday, he is afraid of my shouting and that me and his father argue all of the time.. all of these things are a complete lie, I consume alcohol on extremely
rare occasions and on top of this me and his father very rarely have a cross word let alone a risk of any aggression.
I now have no idea what I am supposed to do or where this has even come from and I know this is going to cause a massive strain on my relationship with both my partner and his son who before today I thought I had an incredible relationship with and I now have the worry of this potentially effecting my daughter who is completely unaware of any of this.

I suppose what I’m saying is where do I go from here or has anyone been in any similar type of situation that can point me in the right direction because I’m at a loss.

Thank you, I think your probably right and I’m worrying over a situation I myself have unfortunately no control over as I can not and would not confront the child on his wrongdoing as although the lies have been told about me it’s not my place to explain the seriousness of this situation but until his mum will allow any form of contact we are at a standstill with even his dad being able to speak with him about it.
I guess maybe I just have a lot to think of as I also have to put my daughter first as she is my priority and I worry that the lies that have been told could result in a third party then questioning my parenting and safeguarding of my child as it’s just me and her due to losing her daddy in July.
I really do appreciate your help thank you

I think the engagement has made him realise his parents are never getting back together. Might seem daft but I experienced similar. Kids fine with my and after 2 years the youngest realised I wasn’t going anywhere (yet later did) and his parents were really over.

secondly, the mum could of handled this better. If I was her I’d ask to meet either the dad or both of you and agree a way forward. I think this still needs to happen and you need to be on the same page of how to handle this and parent it.

if she’s going to withhold contact court might be on the cards.

hopefully they have a decent co parenting relationship and can you can all meet and have a discussion.

I believe there may have been girls in between but nothing serious that I’m aware of and in terms of his dad and his ex partner were constantly arguing and just in general an awful relationship and he did see some of these arguments but he would have been between the ages of 4/5 possibly 6 at this time so although I understand he may be trying to stop this from happening again we have never had an argument in front of our children or a cross word so there was no indication that he would ever mention that me and his dad argued or that he was worried what would happen when we do as he has never witnessed this throughout our relationship

He is probably carrying a huge amount of anxiety about his dad and his relationships.
Would his parents consider accessing art or play therapy for him?

Thank you, perhaps it has but the worrying thing is, is he was a part of the engagement (my daughter was not and no issues were ever made of this) he has always been made feel very included and involved with every aspect of our relationship and his mum also has a partner from he was around 4 so again the lies surrounding me are the worrying thing.
i would love to suggest meeting up with his mum but I’m not sure how open to this she would be as although we have met on a few occasions we have no relationship at all and my partner and her co parent great which (admittedly by both only started when my partner met me) as I believe that all parent should so parent as best they can for their children. So I’m unsure how this would be received if suggested and due to the circumstances I would understand if she refused although I’m not sure how else I can explain that everything that has been said against me is false

After speaking to the lady that called to our home today I believe this is being considered which I think will help him massively understandd his feelings I’m just unsure of how it will help the situation we are in at the moment but long term I believe it will do him the world of good as my daughter is currently in play therapy and has been a massive thing for her

In such a case your partner should meet her and frankly this woman should trust his judgement on who he allows around his kids. He needs to stand up to her and tell her the allegations are unfounded, our son is lying we need to find out why and deal with it.

seems a lot of pussy footing about here and lies can be damaging If left unchecked

this woman should trust his judgement on who he allows around his kids.

Really?
The op says a previous partner was very damaging. So the child’s mother is probably on high alert.

Absolutely and I completely agree. I wouldn’t be too sure on how receptive she would be to meeting as he had tried calling her by phone after the meeting today and she ignored the call but then text.
I believe I may be hitting my head at a brick wall over the next few weeks to try and prove that it is all unfounded lies with nothing to back this up, I should also mention I solo parent my daughter after losing her dad in July and she has her own problems with also being 11 years old and being diagnosed ADHD and has had a lot of changes herself with our house move and blending our family but would never dream of lying or saying the things that have been said with no reasoning (that we’re aware of) behind it

Honestly I would be off. I would move out with my child as I wouldn't want him affecting her and I wouldn't want him affecting my reputation. It's clear that the boy isn't happy and he's focused on you. You have teenage years ahead of you and I really really could not cope with that with someone else's child if they are playing up already at this age.

Which I completely understand may be the case but I have never once shown myself to be anything but a loving partner, step parent and more so friend to this child and have always made sure he is happy, comfortable, included and known that I love him as I love my own daughter so although I understand what your saying in regards to his mum and I would fully understand that I don’t believe that this should be enough reason for the lies that have been told to be believed by anyone and although it has yet to be said that the child can not be around me I have an awful gut feeling that this may be where it could potentially lead to

Thank you for your reply, I wish it was as black and white as that I truly do especially with the anxiety and stress I have had today and at the thought of what my future could look like as I woke this morning with no worries around that and now I can’t sleep at the thought but I love this little boy and his father with ever part of me and truly could not imagine my life without either of them so I’m struggling with that maybe becoming a possibility and what’s worse is it could be completely out of my control either way

Yes I think he has to be the one to address this with his son, ultimately it's probably about their relationship anyway. And he needs to be the one to support him emotionally while setting very clear boundaries.

And separately you as mum to your DD will need to decide what is best for you and her going forward.

You can't fix whatever it is SS is going through, all you can realistically do there is support your partner from a distance.

But you can of course decide what kind of boundaries you set for you and DD.

I truly appreciate all of your help and you taking the time to give me advice and I think tomorrow I will explain to my partner that he must have a conversation with his son to find out where this is coming from and what the root cause of this is as it has effected me massively and before I affects my own child some kind of boundary has to be set in place so that everyone is happy going forward as I would also hate for his son to feel a certain way about me and not want to express this should it be jealousy (I’m not sure) etc so that we can nip it in the bud and not have any future reoccurrences of this

Mum may be fueling this too. (Possibly by asking leading questions and putting ideas in his head.) Her relationship status may have nothing to do with whether or not she holds a grudge.

I haven’t even thought about this truthfully and I do know my partner and her had a very turbulent relationship towards the end but they have been separated now for 6 years to my knowledge and would hate to think that she would ever want to get inside my partners sons head to twist lies in order to hurt either of us as in the long run it’s the child that will be effected but I guess at this stage anything’s a possibility as I’m at a loss completely no matter what the reason is so I won’t rule anything out, thank you

As a pp said, behaviour is communication. He didn’t choose to blend families. There’s a huge amount of unsought disruption in his life, and he’s focusing his anxieties and aggression on you.

Perhaps that’s true and I also won’t rule this out but if this is the case then we need to get him to explain this to us in a way he feels he can as lying in order to be heard is not the right way to go about this at all as it’s now caused a massive stress and anxiety for me knowing that my character and over all person is being possibly questioned and having to prove myself in a situation I was oblivious too especially knowing I have a child myself where my parenting could possibly be questioned and this little boy is very very t aware on the consequences that a lie can have but he has disregarded all of that for whatever reason he has

While I can understand his Mum not wanting him to have contact with you atm (given what he’s said), how is she justifying having no contact with his Dad? He hasn’t accused his Dad of anything, it’s all focused on you.

I don’t know the legal position but I think that your partner needs to question why he’s not allowed to see his son at all. Is his son saying that he doesn’t want to see his Dad?

firstly there was the excuse of needing to speak with the lady that came today as she knew from last week what had been said but wouldn’t tell us what had happened just that someone had to call regarding ss behaviour so we were completely clueless when other things were mentioned today then we had said meeting today and were told the things mentioned and when contacted today has now said that until she speaks with the lady herself to find out the next step that he can not come here

ss has not mentioned at all that he doesn’t want to be here or doesn’t want to see his dad that we’re aware of so when my partner asked to speak with his son today he was told as mentioned that until she speaks with the lady we had a meeting with that he can’t do that.

as much as it hurts and it would of course hurt but I will happily leave and stay with family so that my partner gets to see his son until a resolution has been found but long term it’s upsetting for everyone and as I mentioned in an above post I have a daughter with ADHD myself who requires routine and moving from pilar to post with no structure would in turn cause a lot of upset for her so it’s a tricky situation when trying to be mindful and have everyone happy

Honestly there’s something in this.

I bet when your partner’s ex was bad to him, he got a lot of assurance and love from his mum. He’s now getting that again, just after he’s been in trouble at school and probably been told off in both homes. Now he’s being coddled and sympathised with.

Your partner needs to talk to his mum and make her realise he’s lying and playing his parents off against each other or you’re all in for hellish teenage years.

This is complicated.

op, there are a number of possibilities here.

none of them bode well.

if a child lies like this and has a change of behaviour then they are not happy. There can be a number of reasons for this.

it may be that there has been a single traumatic incident. Maybe he was physically or sexually assaulted at school, or by another relative. In that sort of situation a child will often not feel safe telling the truth, but their behaviour shows that they are not ok. If pressed too hard they will lie rather than risk naming the real perpetrator as they think adults can’t protect them and they will be physically/sexually assaulted again.

the other option is that this is coming out of his unhappiness at living in the blended family.

either way, your current situation isn’t going to last. If you keep going as you are his behaviour is likely to become more extreme.

if you want to stay together I’d suggest looking at changing your routines so he gets more time with his bio parent and much less with you and your daughter. If he shares a room look at giving him his own space etc.

Thank you. There is absolutely no concern for any physical or sexual abuse in school or outside.

although I absolutely appreciate what your saying and when it comes to a blended family about changing routines etc he spends a lot of 1-1 time with his dad as it is and long term it’s just not a feasible option to continue to do everything separately as what kind of life would that be for any of us to live.

I’m starting to think that it’s possible he is jealous of his dad having a partner and he wants it to be just the two of them as I have spent all night going over this and there have been tell tall signs before but nothing that would ever have prepared me for the situation we are in now.
And I believe he thinks by telling these lies that it will somehow force me out of the family and out of the home and it will then just be them two again but again he doesn’t realise the severity of what his lies can do to me as a parent

This.