Step son has told alot of lies

[GoldDeer]

Please read and don’t pass judgment- it’s a long one but I would really appreciate all help

I am at a complete loss of what to do, my partners son who I absolutely adore is 11 years old, recently there has been a massive change in his behaviour at school but he has been his usual self at home no problems with him at all.
until I met his daddy 2 1/2 years ago it was just them two when he was at his dads (apart from his dads ex partner who wasn’t great to either of them). Me and his dad have gotten engaged recently and he was there and was so happy about this but recently we have all just moved into the one house together so 4 of us me and my daughter my partner and his son and around this time his behaviour in school changed- getting into fights, threatening other children, being rude to adults etc but again an angel at both our home and his mums.
not the problem is we had a visit from social servies today due to his behaviour in school and during this time it was said that my partners son has expressed that I drink everyday, he is afraid of my shouting and that me and his father argue all of the time.. all of these things are a complete lie, I consume alcohol on extremely
rare occasions and on top of this me and his father very rarely have a cross word let alone a risk of any aggression.
I now have no idea what I am supposed to do or where this has even come from and I know this is going to cause a massive strain on my relationship with both my partner and his son who before today I thought I had an incredible relationship with and I now have the worry of this potentially effecting my daughter who is completely unaware of any of this.

I suppose what I’m saying is where do I go from here or has anyone been in any similar type of situation that can point me in the right direction because I’m at a loss.

I understand all of the above. None of those reasons are a good enough reason to lie to the extent in which he has and effect someone’s life/ future.
I have a daughter the exact same age and having had the same things who also had an extremely difficult year and she would never dream of lying like this against my partner and although I respect they are two different children my point is that this can’t be used as an excuse or explanation

If he was jealous (and I would suggest that isn’t the right term), then that would be perfectly understandable and natural. He has to share his dad, who he only normally sees half the time or less (??) with a woman who isn’t related to him and another child who has additional needs.

I don’t know how you solve it really - except by taking his feelings very seriously and showing real understanding of them. What feels like ‘plenty’ of alone time between the two of them, to you, may not feel like that to him.

Of course it’s an ‘explanation’, if not a ‘excuse’. Your stepson’s life has had massive disruption and changed in ways he doesn’t like, but feels powerless to change. He’s 11. He doesn’t have adult emotional capacity. He wants things back the way they were. Lying is the only way he’s arrived at where suddenly he’s being listened to. It seems strange to me that you can’t see this in a child you purport to love and be close to. I absolutely get that it’s hurtful, but it’s not wildly unusual for blending families to involve this kind of issue.

But it can and should be. If the issue is indeed around sharing his dad and his home, then you saying that’s not an excuse or explanation is basically invalidating and minimising his immaturely expressed feelings. Immature because he is still a child. Yes lying is bad, and lying involving social services especially bad, but he will probably not realise the consequences of his actions and he is just emotionally flailing and lashing out.

Im unsure what other word to use to describe what I think he’s feeling but please be rest assured im not using it in a way of degrading him or wanting to make his feeling invalid, I also completely understand if it is a jealousy situation but as I mentioned In previous posts he spends 4 days out the week with us and believe me if we could have him here 7 days a week we would as I also mentioned I love this child to bits so I am completely thrown by everything that’s been said
and perhaps your right about the time and I should have thought about that before saying they spend plenty of 1-1 time together as to him it may not feel that way

I think from your responses it is clear from an outsiders perspective what is happening here. In your opinion you are living your 'happily ever after' and the DC just need to get onboard and come along for the ride. But you aren't living happily, that isn't the reality. You've got your 'forever home', you got engaged infront of the DC. There doesn't seem to be much consideration for the two children that are being dragged along with it.

It seems as in the obvious explanation is that he doesn't want to live with you and your daughter 4 days per week. And he presumably wasn't given any choice in the matter so he has taken things into his own hands.

Honestly you have no other option here than to leave.

The instant a child needs therapy and a talking to to get past living in a blended family is the point at which you have to hold up your hands and admit that the blended family setup just isn’t working.

I appreciate that it’s upsetting, but the reality is that he dislikes you enough to make up the kind of lies which could see his father being told to end the relationship with you anyway or risk losing access, or your own parenting being called into question at a time when your daughter is reliant on you to be there for her.

You need to be realistic here.

Social services are involved. That doesn’t happen lightly.

These aren’t small lies he’s told these are massive life altering ones.And if he doesn’t gain from that how much further will he go? Allegations of violence? Abuse? Worse than that?

Your partner needs to deal with the issues that have led to these lies, but at this point you need to accept that your relationship is over.

But, OP, bluntly, he doesn’t want to spend four days a week with his dad, plus you and your child. He didn’t ask for that. He isn’t happy in this blended family. As a pp said, you and his DF are living out your happy ever after, but none of that has anything to do with him, and it’s not what he wants. Hence the lies.

His dad needs to have a firm talk with him about what’s going on. If he wants to reduce time at your house, he can do that without lying.

It sounds like he’s getting a lot of power, control and positive attention by lying here, from everyone.

Yes, because he doesn’t have any power at all from anywhere else! Imagine if you suddenly had to live with two people not of your choosing, when you’ve watched your parents break up, dealt with living between two different houses, and dealt with his dad’s previous partner who, according to the OP, ‘wasn’t great to either of them’. He’s 11. He has no power. So he’s lying to get some. Suddenly people are listening to him. Maybe he’s using his memories of his dad’s previous partner for material. Maybe, after living with her, he doesn’t trust his father’s choice of partners at all. Maybe he’s thinks the OP will turn out to be like her.

My daughter changed suddenly not at school but at home when we moved house. She was ten but I was completely shocked by her behaviour she became a nightmare. Big life changes can cause this I think. Cannot give any advice on the lying though that would scare me especially if I had a child of my own. I would possibly move out.