Early days kid differences

[SinkingFeelingSoph]

So not step parents but wanted to see if this early issue is likely to be a thing going forward… I have DD, 6, who is essentially happy, independent, loves animals, gentle etc… you get the idea. BF of over a year’s DS 5 is a very different child - he says no to everything, mood is very up and down, only into monster/chasing games/video games, goes into a moody huff a lot, very clingy to his dad. We don’t live together and don’t have plans to, but the kids sometimes have play dates. They both look forward to it as only children. Mine tries her best and but there’s typically a fallout. He will only do his games not hers, she’s patient but occasionally gets upset.

The worrying thing is she pulled a face at him once after his constant saying no to the games she’d set up for him, and he cried… I explained to her that he was scared (don’t think he really was) and dealt with it, but then my BF stepped in (while holding his sobbing child) and had a go at her! It wasn’t so much what he said (something along the lines of “you just didn’t stop, did you?”) but the narky tone he used and the fact he felt it was his place to say anything at all. I felt sick to my stomach about it, asked him to leave etc. He seemed to be oblivious to why this was a problem until I spelled it out very firmly and was in the edge of breaking it off. He seemed very naive and overly protective of his kid to the detriment of mine.

It felt like a was line crossed. We got through it, my DD likes him and he’s great with her the (very few) times we’ve mixed without his DC.

I had awful stepparents myself, so am very aware of issues like this.

Is it worth staying and just limiting child interactions? Teething problems or red flags pointing to something else?

All sounds pretty ghastly to me

children being forced to spend time together that don’t really like one another because their parents fancy one another

I would have calmly put my child’s coat on and walked away

he wouldn’t have seen me for dust

mind you, I wouldn’t have introduced everyone so early on anyway

This isn’t going to work.

You don’t really like his child
He isn’t too keen on your child!

And also your DD pulling faces at his son shows a lack of maturity and you dismissed his son's reaction as well. Perhaps you should rethink the whole set up and stop the playdates until you have had a good chat with your DD and with his son

And this relationship isnt “over a year”
8/9 months according to your posting history op

Um, my DD is 6. I’d say there’s a lack of maturity but it’s not coming from the kids, it’s coming from BF. I spent ages NOT dismissing his kids feelings, actually, empathising, which only seemed to justify BFs actions. In retrospect the title should be about problems with him not his kid.

The kids ask for play dates together. But I’ve massively limited them.

Have created this thread to see if anyone else has experienced trickiness with partners and kids at the start and it got better

This is not a man you should be involved with. He's already shown you and your dd exactly what sort of bullying nasty man he is and that he will always scapegoat your dd and has no care or consideration of the harm he will cause your dd by putting the whims and wants of his spoilt brat (which he's creating) above the needs of everyone else including your dd.
Have some self respect and protect your dd by ditching this bully

We and the kids have known each other for well over a year, we were friends first

Your description of your DD is glowing and almost as if she is loads of fun and your description of his child is basically he is moody and boring which is a little concerning in itself because you are painting your DD to be perfect.

It actually sounds like your partner may have got fed up because your DD constantly wants his son to play with her and she can't take a hint when he doesn't want to. She "sets things up" aka she wants him to play her games and doesn't like it when he doesn't want to so then becomes rude to his son which upsets him.

Obviously I don't know his son and he may meet your description but your DD sounds annoying, overbearing and used to getting her own way. You need to teach her boundaries so she learns to stop pushing kids into playing with her. Your daughter effectively tried to bully his son into playing with her and then pulled a face when he didn't want to which resulted in him crying. She isn't patience she is pushy towards his son.

His son is entitled to not play with your daughter. He is entitled to have his own interests that are not aligned with your DDs and his dad sounds frustrated that your DD is not respecting his boundaries.

I am quite laid back but I wouldn't have liked another child continually over stepping my children's boundaries to the point my child ended up in tears.

Please step back and think about how you would feel if it was the opposite way around and his son was your child.

Op you’re lied how long you’ve been with him

these children age very young . You don’t like the boy. Your boyfriend doesn’t like your daughter.
You don’t even seem that keen on your “immature” boyfriend

what a joyous relationship

Op do you work? Have friends? A life beyond him?

This is the blatant wrong end of the stick. DD is always playing his games but sets some things up she things he will like before he visits… so monster trucks etc. He’ll say no just because, well I don’t know, just says no because it’s not his idea?!

She has manners and is respectful of boundaries, I don’t think she’s the problem here. BF has confirmed his DS is the same with everyone and has very few play dates as a result.

Think this is what page I’m on too. Thanks

Bloody hell

what some parents subject their children to in the name of having a boyfriend / girlfriend

it’s depressing

I feel really sorry for this little boy. He sounds anxious, wobbly and insecure. One reason this won't work is that you describe your daughter in glowing terms and are clearly trying to paint his son as the difficult one. Whereas in fact what happened is that he didn't want to play with the things she had set up, indicated this repeatedly, and she then made a face at him and he got upset.

"lack of maturity" - she's 6 FFS!

@SinkingFeelingSoph throw him back. This won't work.

What’s your problem? Frankly very insulting. My DD comes first and this BF has never stayed the night in my house while she’s here, he was initially a very positive influence - gentle and caring. I chose him on the basis of what I thought he’d be like around her and he was. Then, humans being messy, people reveal themselves and it becomes confusing. There’s good and then there’s bad. My DD maintains she likes him and his kid. Hence people asking for advice HOPEFULLY from people with lived experience, not knee-jerk judgemental keyboard warriors

No that’s not quite the case. She carefully thought out something he’d like and had tried loads of stuff by that stage. He had a very angry face in and she pulled a face back.

I feel sorry for him too, am not sure what’s going on with him. My DD is a child so not perfect, but my first job here is to make sure she’s OK

What's wrong with him saying no? Some children find situations like to much. It's actually ok for him to say no to things like playing with toys he doesn't want to play with or playing the game your DD has set up. Maybe he finds your DD a bit to much if he is a quieter child.

Your bf has commented to your DD that she just didn't stop which suggest to me your DDs not as respectful of his son's boundaries as you think she is. That's not to say I agree with your bf having a go at your DD. He shouldn't have said anything to her.

You both need to have a conversation in your own about this situation. If you can't resolve it I doubt the relationship will work.

He didn't want to play her games, however much careful thought she put into them. Maybe he'd rather play on his own or with a friend of his own.

No again. He says no to anything that he hasn’t had the idea of. You are wilfully misunderstanding the issue here

He seemed very naive and overly protective of his kid to the detriment of mine

Op, this isn't going to change as it suggests he doesn't have the emotional skills to properly deal with the complexity of step parenting/blending.

Step parenting is way more difficult than parenting. If you think parenting is hard, double that and you have step parenting. Both parents in a blended family, need way more emotional intelligence, patience and tolerance and most people don't possess those skills. It's why step families are often poor environments for raising children.

In your particular situation there is also the dynamic of a younger boy, (generally boys struggle with communication skills than girls of a similar age) so there will be greater frustration, and you have to add in very different interests.

You as parents may want to have time together however that forces children who perhaps otherwise would never want to be in each others company, together.

If blending and parent co operation doesn't go well at this age it will be a nightmare during the teens.

Thanks.

He’s a very loud boisterous child and she’s not. She tries and does his things, he doesn’t in return. That’s not the issue here - her getting frustrated and pulling a face ONCE is really not the issue here. I’m amazed how adaptable she is but am wondering if she should have to be.

He doesn’t really have play dates with other children as it always ends up in a meltdown.

Writing all this and I think the bigger issue is my BF not recognising or being in denial about differences his DS has and projecting them onto others, namely my DD.

If that can’t be resolved, yes, it’s over

Well, that would make sense as he feels insecure and unwilling to join in with things your daughter has thought of. If you really want this to work, Dad needs to spend more time with his little boy building up his confidence, allowing him time and space to direct play and initiate things games that dad then joins in with. Then, once his son's confidence is a bit more robust possibly some kind of meeting on neutral ground with a distraction that both can be engaged in and neither can direct (eg zoo, cinema). And accepting that a five year old boy with the temperament you describe is very unlikely to want or be able to play with a six year old girl with the temperament you describe.