Early days kid differences

[SinkingFeelingSoph]

So not step parents but wanted to see if this early issue is likely to be a thing going forward… I have DD, 6, who is essentially happy, independent, loves animals, gentle etc… you get the idea. BF of over a year’s DS 5 is a very different child - he says no to everything, mood is very up and down, only into monster/chasing games/video games, goes into a moody huff a lot, very clingy to his dad. We don’t live together and don’t have plans to, but the kids sometimes have play dates. They both look forward to it as only children. Mine tries her best and but there’s typically a fallout. He will only do his games not hers, she’s patient but occasionally gets upset.

The worrying thing is she pulled a face at him once after his constant saying no to the games she’d set up for him, and he cried… I explained to her that he was scared (don’t think he really was) and dealt with it, but then my BF stepped in (while holding his sobbing child) and had a go at her! It wasn’t so much what he said (something along the lines of “you just didn’t stop, did you?”) but the narky tone he used and the fact he felt it was his place to say anything at all. I felt sick to my stomach about it, asked him to leave etc. He seemed to be oblivious to why this was a problem until I spelled it out very firmly and was in the edge of breaking it off. He seemed very naive and overly protective of his kid to the detriment of mine.

It felt like a was line crossed. We got through it, my DD likes him and he’s great with her the (very few) times we’ve mixed without his DC.

I had awful stepparents myself, so am very aware of issues like this.

Is it worth staying and just limiting child interactions? Teething problems or red flags pointing to something else?

The child is 6. Of course there's a lack of maturity FFS!

Had the post been about a little boy continually asking another little girl to play and when she said no repeatedly he then pulled a face and she got upset and she ended up crying I think many posters would have mainly replied with "she said no the boy should have been told to accept that" . The same rules apply the other way round. That's not misogyny.

However that doesn't excuse dad's behaviour or him allowing his son to be rude to your DD. The dad had no right to speak to your DD that way. If he had an issue he should have spoken to you away from the children.

If your partner is demonising your DD you need to end things now for her sake. If this is complete one off on your partner's part I actually think there is a middle ground here though but you and him need to set some ground rules together. I.e not discipling each others kids (I appreciate you didn't do that), if one child is saying no to playing with the other that's ok. If one child is being rude to the other that's not acceptable and the parent intervenes. They share nicely, say kind words to each other, his son is taught to be polite. They take turns on choosing which games to play and if need be the adults gently guide them (not discipling) but loads of positive praise such as "wow your so kind offering to share your toys", "x isn't feeling like playing just now but your so kind to ask" , "x you were so polite when you asked that"

They are little kids and actually still navigating a new situation to them also. They may not naturally gel either which makes things much trickier but not impossible.

I think we’re struggling to get our head around how much you seem to dislike this very very young child

What are the arrangements between his parents?

Does his mum have a new partner?

Maybe op does dislike the child. And that's actually ok. But it's not ok to be involved with his dad if she does. We can't like everyone. And if your experience of someone is that they poorly behaved and rude then it's natural to dislike that. I have met plenty of kids of that I've disliked. Mostly because they've been thoroughly horrible to my kids. We can both understand that "hurt people, hurt people" and dislike the person hurting us or the people we love. In this case OP feels like the child isn't particularly pleasant to her daughter and the dad was reactive and unkind to her when she did a perfectly age-appropriate response. Whether his kid is "bad" and ops kid is "good" ultimately really doesn't matter. They are too close in age and too different and if you continue down this path it's likely there will be resentment and issues all round.

@CrispieCake thank you for both posts, very reasoned, sensible and makes total sense.

Yes about some men not knowing the “ropes”. It did seem a very naive thing to do.

50/50. The mum has had BFs that the child had met, not sure about currently.

Haha. I’m relaying his behaviour/personality as objectively as I can, so that’s coming from you (the royal we?). There’s no doubt he’s difficult and not exactly fun to be around, but that’s not just me. I feel sad about it but I don’t dislike him. He’s a kid and I’m always looking to help him or his dad, am very relaxed and try to see the light side. Just not to the detriment of my own child’s happiness which I think is fair enough

I’m not alone op as you can see from this thread

She's 6, SIX.

how mature do you want her to be? She pulled a face, big deal.

I’d guess if your daughter never saw this boy or his father ever again she’d be nothing but happy about it

and I suspect the boy feels the same about her and you

Er are you OK? Sounds like you’ve been triggered.

And you’re wrong on one of those counts. He asks to see us

“Triggered”

good grief

So I’m wrong and he does ask to see you (according to boyfriend presumably)

but your daughter, who is your priority, never does. So….

@SinkingFeelingSoph

some posters are like a dog with a bone, best ignored. I'm not sure why they're so wilfully twisting what you say. Maybe it's just a rainy afternoon where they are.??

They're both young children, if his mum's had several different partners (who may may not have had children as well) and has switched and swapped with a 50-50 arrangement he's probably had to work quite hard at getting his own needs me and has probably developed an unpleasant way of doing so. He's only five.

Your boyfriend overreaction to the situation and his harshness with DD was out of line! No doubt about it, but I think we can all overreact and be overprotective of our kids at times. He eventually reflected on it.(after you spelt it out to him.) and apologised. At least he acknowledges that this is the same situation with everybody and not just you and DD. I expect his DS would benefit from some play therapy, do you think he'd be open to that?

Can you try to separate your feelings about him from your children? Do you still feel attracted to him?

I think, if you do, you can sort out the situation with the children going forward, but everything that's happened and the way he parents his child may have put you off him now? What do you think?

sobbing child) and had a go at her! It wasn’t so much what he said (something along the lines of “you just didn’t stop, did you?”) but the narky tone he used and the fact he felt it was his place to say anything at all.

I have a 6 year old.

I’d go fucking nuts if anyone spoke to them this way.

People also don’t get second chances to speak to my child like shit, she’s 6 and should come first.

Your posts are very smug and unhelpful.

Exactly

Many people talking about boundaries seem to have missed that it was the DD's boundary that was trashed. She saying, effectively, ' we've played your games all afternoon, now it's my turn to choose' and this little boy ignored it.

I just wanted to say I hope you help your daughter learn that she doesn't need to work so hard to please others as it sounds like she has been putting too much effort into this kid and the fact she is feeling frustrated is good feedback to take a step back. I'd probably avoid arranging any more playdates for her that are so one-sided, or if his son comes over again, give her some options to take some time out from interacting with this boy (eg. Just sitting with you).