Early days kid differences

[SinkingFeelingSoph]

So not step parents but wanted to see if this early issue is likely to be a thing going forward… I have DD, 6, who is essentially happy, independent, loves animals, gentle etc… you get the idea. BF of over a year’s DS 5 is a very different child - he says no to everything, mood is very up and down, only into monster/chasing games/video games, goes into a moody huff a lot, very clingy to his dad. We don’t live together and don’t have plans to, but the kids sometimes have play dates. They both look forward to it as only children. Mine tries her best and but there’s typically a fallout. He will only do his games not hers, she’s patient but occasionally gets upset.

The worrying thing is she pulled a face at him once after his constant saying no to the games she’d set up for him, and he cried… I explained to her that he was scared (don’t think he really was) and dealt with it, but then my BF stepped in (while holding his sobbing child) and had a go at her! It wasn’t so much what he said (something along the lines of “you just didn’t stop, did you?”) but the narky tone he used and the fact he felt it was his place to say anything at all. I felt sick to my stomach about it, asked him to leave etc. He seemed to be oblivious to why this was a problem until I spelled it out very firmly and was in the edge of breaking it off. He seemed very naive and overly protective of his kid to the detriment of mine.

It felt like a was line crossed. We got through it, my DD likes him and he’s great with her the (very few) times we’ve mixed without his DC.

I had awful stepparents myself, so am very aware of issues like this.

Is it worth staying and just limiting child interactions? Teething problems or red flags pointing to something else?

Thank you for this sensible and thoughtful reply. Yes yes yes. Makes so much sense on every level, that’s exactly it.

When I met exh I had 2 dd's 1 and 2..his was in between their ages.. It wasn't a good outcome.. Not because of his dc but wow I was relieved she wasn't around anymore!
No rules or boundaries.. I'm talking about the following years obviously not at the beginning.. Limited contact then.. While mine sat and ate at the table she wandered around with her third choice of meal... Snacks and crap whenever she asked.. Never made to help tidy up. She was a diva. One created my him and his ex...
Let this one go op. Nothing but disappointed and upset ahead for you and your dd. Ime.
His behaviour over that 1 incident would have had me walk away.

Why have you invented a load of nasty stuff about OP's dd which isn't backed up by anything OP has said. Very odd.

If you know play dates with other kids always end in meltdowns why have them? I don't mean that badly but some children genuinely cannot cope with playdates but would manage things like park trips, days out really well with other kids because it's less pressure.

I do think you need to have a long hard think if maybe your DD did push his son a bit hard to get him to play. If so have a chat with her to explain sometimes kids might not want to play no matter how much effort she puts into setting things up. It's an important lesson for young kids to learn.

The issue with your bf is a separate one and it might be nothing to do with either children but that you have totally different parenting styles that don't mix. That's a recipe for problems long term.

I am writing all this as a mum of 3 kid one of whom hated playdates and who would have found another child setting things up and trying to get him to play to much. He preferred to play when he was ready to and the more he was encouraged the more hesitant and withdrawn he became.

My other children are totally the opposite and love setting things up for each other, playing together and are always keen to meet kids for playdates. The 3 kids have the same parents and are parented the same way.

My oldest child is now a teenager and has a small but close group of friends but states he hated playdates as a child so was glad we didn't push them. He wanted to be with the friends he chose to be with who he had things in common with.

@Fundays12 thank you. Well both kids ask for play dates with each other and we do do some things that are out and about like you suggest.

Have been pretty clear she hasn’t pushed him, she’ll usually go along with whatever he wants but then will get sad he says no with an angry face to whatever she suggests - even if it’s something she doesn’t like but he normally would. I think that’s fair enough. She’s got limits too.

I haven't I read the post. The OP was posting about her DD in glowing terms and her post suggested she saw his son to be the difficult one. It sounded very one sided view that the op had of her bfs son being the problem. I actually read the post and it read like she didn't like his son much.

Having read the post I suspect if her bf posted he would say something along the lines of his son felt pushed into playing and said no repeatedly but her DD kept asking and then pulled a face at him which resulted in his son getting upset.

If a child keeps saying no when asked to play by another child that does need respected. As a mum I would be telling my kids x child has said no to playing just now but you did a great job setting up those toys so go play yourself just now.

The fact the bf stated the DD wouldn't leave it (or similar words) suggested to me this situation went on for a while.

Obviously her bf shouldn't have had a go at her DD though which is a totally separate issue and needs dealt with.

Nope. She wasn’t pushing him at all. She had done all his things and then wanted to do something else she thought he’d like and he got angry and she pulled a face - as he often does - for a split second and he lost it.

Am able to view my DD objectively and am not going to make glowing stuff up about her, that won’t help the advice I get here. BFs eventual take on it was he was as emotionally reactive and his DS always says no to everyone until he gets his way

It maybe a case his son likes the idea of playdates but finds the reality of them overwhelming. That could be a development stage he is going through and he may grow out off.

It's absolutely fine she has limits to. How often did she ask him to play X or Y? Once or twice is acceptable more than that becomes pushy territory (even if it's because she is enthusiastic and excited to play which is natural at her age). As a mum I have had to step in occasionally and say to one of my kids "X doesn't want to play just now and that's ok but your were very kind to ask" . It's just a gentle way of trying to teach my child it's ok for the other child to say no but they were kind to in asking them to play to.

The bigger issue in all this is your bf over stepping and having a go at your DD. I do understand you are angry about that and you have every right to be.

All this talk about being overbearing and boundaries seems a bit much. The children are only 5 and 6 for Christ's sake! I don't think tears on a play date is a big deal at this age.

So bf has acknowledged he was reactive and it's his and his ds issue?

Boundaries can be taught gently and kindly at that age and if they are not taught from a young age it can be very problematic. I work with kids of all ages. It's very evident which ones are not taught boundaries from a young age. Boundaries are literally as simple as "x doesn't want to play just now but that's so kind you asked"

And yes, mine is well aware of that and does not and I’d not push. What about boundaries about being rude, never letting someone else have a turn and stropping off with a mean face if they even suggest something else?

Yes, but only after we had a row about it (away from the kids) and it took ages for him to back down as he’s very defensive. He then admitted his child did this with everyone, even his granny, not just us. And what he said to mine was a huge mistake and should never have happened.

Still people don’t stop being over reactive just like that, so I don’t trust him now - both his judgement and temper

Yep. I'd keep this casual with no more playdates. If you want a closer relationship, this isn't it.

Don't be ridiculous. She's six! How mature do you expect a six year old to be?

OFGS. OP ignore the posts demonizing you and your poor 6 year old DD. The reality is that your bf was only pretending to be calm and kind to your dd for the early months of the relationship. He is going to privilege his child over yours and sees the situation as zero sum not as negotiable. Back out or both of you will end up crushed by his demands that he and his son be catered to by you two handmaidens.

That's more than OK. Sounds like that's that then and fwiw I think you're right. Best of luck.

This sounds familiar. My exs youngest would upset my friends two kids mostly the girl everytime he’d see them without fail. My ex would always see no harm in it. It would piss me right off. The final straw was him, at my birthday meal, calling my friends son fat. I was shellshocked. Told his dad to get a grip. He just said say sorry that was it. Asked how he should have dealt with it?! Well as a father you should know but I’d have had a long chat about being mindful of people’s feelings etc etc. he did it to everyone he came across, I gently tried to suggest he was perhaps on the spectrum given the inability to recognise how his words and actions could negatively effect others. No not possible there was anything wrong with his darling son.

his youngest struggled to make friends in school and was always excused for being shy or quiet. I actually wonder if he was a bully and that’s why he struggled to make friends so much because of his hurtful words and actions.

I don’t think this will ever get better. Some parents just have a total inability to see any fault or wrong doing in their children. Part of being a parent is accepting your kid is a little shit at times and doing your best to combat it and raise them into nice well rounded individuals that people WANT to be around

That comment wasn't in response to you but in response to the poster who commented about overbearing boundaries and their age.

My reply was around the importance of boundaries being taught from a young age as you can see when children haven't been taught these . That applies to boundaries being put in place for all unacceptable behaviour including what you describe here such as rude behaviour and not allowing other kids to take turns.

Unfortunately you can't put those boundaries in place that's your bf and his sons mother's job. You need to decide if this may happen and if it doesn't are you willing to accept the status quo. Your bf had no right to be reactive to your child.

Is it just me who thinks there's some hope here? He admitted he was completely in the wrong and should never have snapped at OP's dd. If you really like this man then maybe give him one more chance to prove himself OP as it was a first offence? It's tricky as if you want to date, most single men will have their own kids so it's worth trying to work these things out. Obviously it would be different if your dd was saying she doesn't like him or his son but she hasn't said that. You did well to set a very hard boundary by immediately leaving when he spoke like that to your dd. So hopefully he'll think twice before doing it again. Everyone is defensive of their own kid and it's hard when you add the guilt of having broken up with their other parent.

@EG94 yes it’s weird isn’t… misogyny? Am very aware of when on threads a partner is demonising a child that’s not their own. This clearly isn’t it.

Yes, agree with you sadly. It’s shit as I was friends with him first, was pretty sure given his usual temperament, politics, job, previous relationships that he’d be safe and a positive influence on my DD. But it’s like when around his kid he almost resents her “good” behaviour in comparison and yes, came down hard on her for just being a child. Can’t ever risk that happening again :(

Ah thanks and totally get your point. I guess I am doing just that. Giving a second chance. However not sure it’s worth essentially the “on eggshells” feelings I get now. And if it’s unlikely to get better, the dynamics between the kids, I think what’s the point? I mean, I doubt I want to live with another man ever again at this rate, so perhaps could just date and the kids could very occasionally see each other. That’s where it is now. Wonder if that’s sustainable.

Some kids don't particularly gel but there's no reason why, in occasional social situations, they can't hang out alongside each other in relative harmony even if not actually playing together.

My first suggestion would be stop making them play together. If you have to meet up with kids, take games and colouring for your DD so she has something to do if the other boy doesn't want to play with her. Take two of everything so he can join in if he wants - you never know, he might find something he likes other than screens.

Agree not to discipline each other's kids, but have common standards that they have to adhere to - things like no hitting, snatching, shouting or saying nasty things. I have a friend with three children around the same ages as mine, and we hang out a lot without any difficulties even though all our kids have their moments and their challenges. We never discipline each other's children beyond generally trying to keep the peace - "let's say nice things to each other", "there's plenty, let's share" or "can we keep the noise down" - or if it's a safety matter - one child trying to run away from the playground while her mother had gone to the loo, for example. If one child does something that needs a response - hitting, kicking, nasty names etc. - we report it to the parent in a calm way - "Just to let you know, Sophie called Max a poo-poo face and hit him with the ball" - and let them deal with it.

No kids of this age are angels, especially if not particularly well-parented, but with patience you can usually find something to like about most of them.

And also - some men are weird about kids, and prioritising their own. I put it down to socialisation. Women quite often spend a large chunk of their maternity leave at baby groups, and then after that toddler groups if they take more time off or go part-time. So you do become acclimatised to how to behave appropriately around other people's children - when to intervene and when to let it go. It's not an excuse, but a lot of men don't spend a lot of time socialising with their own kids around other young children and so don't have the same experience in terms of policing interactions. They just see a threat to their child.

Why does it need to get better? You aren't going to move in together so stop the 'play dates' and see your boyfriend alone.