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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Would you stay in a relationship where single dad has troubled teen?

74 replies

Littleloss · 13/04/2025 01:11

Hi, just after some advice. Very sadly my partner lost his wife in a tragic accident 4 years ago. He has a teenage daughter with some behavioural issues, ADHD and quite possibly autism and depression. They obviously had a horrible time and it’s no surprise the daughter struggles. She shouts and calls him names, has stollen some money out of my purse (I don’t have proof, but it was gone after being left in their living room whilst I popped out), she threatens to hurt herself, shop lifts (sweets and chocolate), frequently bunks off school or claims to be sick.
I myself do not have any children of my own. We have been together a little over a year now, we live in separate houses. I am coming to terms with the fact that we will either not have a full life together for a good number of years, or that I will eventually become “step mum”. I just want people opinions on how to navigate this situation, would most people leave and think he should focus on his daughter (he does and tries to help her a lot), or if you really cared for both your partner and his daughter would you stay?

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 13/04/2025 01:19

No.

Original poster
Littleloss · 13/04/2025 01:21

@TooBigForMyBoots no to which sorry?

OP posts:
TooBigForMyBoots · 13/04/2025 01:23

No to staying in this relationship.

Ponderingwindow · 13/04/2025 01:25

My husband and I are raising our shared daughter with ASD. She is actually an awesome teenager. Couldn’t ask for a better child. But omg is it more work than raising the average teen. All our attention, time, and money goes to parenting. I can’t imagine having time to date if I were single. I also can’t imagine the stress it would cause my teenager. She needs routine and predictability. Even the idea that at some point another person might start entering our home more often or change our routines would cause her stress.

FairlyTired · 13/04/2025 01:26

I would be led by the daughter as to whether you move in or not. You could be a really positive influence if she's receptive to you being around and you're able to handle her outbursts with compassion and calmly.
Or it could be very negative if she doesn't want you there and feels dad is choosing you over her after her already losing her mum.
How is she with you in general?

Original poster
Littleloss · 13/04/2025 01:32

@Ponderingwindow do you suggest he should not be dating?

OP posts:
Original poster
Littleloss · 13/04/2025 01:36

@FairlyTired actually I think I could be a positive influence. Generally she is quiet, spends a lot of time in her room, but that’s not just when I’m around, that’s just generally. She does like to show me things she has made (she enjoys some crafts), so she will actively come to me specifically to show me. Apparently she sometimes asks how I am if I’m not around. That’s part of my problem though, I don’t know if/when we would live together or if she would accept it. Ultimately I’d like to be together with a partner in the same house, but it’s a hard situation because I don’t know if that could happen or not

OP posts:
FairlyTired · 13/04/2025 01:45

Littleloss · 13/04/2025 01:36

@FairlyTired actually I think I could be a positive influence. Generally she is quiet, spends a lot of time in her room, but that’s not just when I’m around, that’s just generally. She does like to show me things she has made (she enjoys some crafts), so she will actively come to me specifically to show me. Apparently she sometimes asks how I am if I’m not around. That’s part of my problem though, I don’t know if/when we would live together or if she would accept it. Ultimately I’d like to be together with a partner in the same house, but it’s a hard situation because I don’t know if that could happen or not

I think your best bet is to keep spending time with her, build the relationship, then have dad float the idea with her and see what she says. Make sure it's in a very casual way of "if some point in the future littleloss wanted to move in with us how would you feel about the idea? Would you like it or do you prefer things how they are at the moment? It's completely fine either way I just wanted to know what you think before I'd consider bringing the idea up with her"

Like you say if could be a really positive thing for her. It must be hard for a teen girl only living with dad.

Bbhjjh · 13/04/2025 01:46

If she is a teen then I would assume that you don't live together until she leaves home or goes to uni. That doesn't mean that you will never live together but might be easier to assume that it ont happen for a while. Troubled or not the teenage years are hard but fleeting so why the rush to live together.

Is there much of an age gap between you and your boyfriend? Are you looking to have kids of your own?

Original poster
Littleloss · 13/04/2025 01:51

@Bbhjjh no only a couple years age gap. I love children, but I don’t think I will have any of my own, I’m getting too old for that anyway 😂. There isn’t really a rush, but she is a young teen (13), so it will be quite some time before she flies the nest. I’m not sure, but I don’t think uni is the route she will go down, she struggles generally with school and doesn’t enjoy academics, she is more into her crafting, but very specific, not like art in general, I imagine she will stay living at home into her adult years

OP posts:
Bbhjjh · 13/04/2025 01:57

Honestly I really wouldn't assume that you move in for quite a while. From the parent's point of view - dealing with teens is hard enough without managing the extra dynamic of having an extra person. I also can't imagine wanting to live with a troubled teen. Sounds like such hard work. On the plus side, as she gets older you will have the freedom to do more things without her so it's not all doom and gloom.

Blackkittenfluff · 13/04/2025 02:11

No.
Definitely not.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 13/04/2025 02:15

No way.
Unlikely to leave home as an adult - run for the hills OP. That isn’t the sort of life you want to sleepwalk into.

MatLeave · 13/04/2025 02:16

I'd end it, sounds like a lifetime of hard work. You don't need to take on the responsibility.

pikkumyy77 · 13/04/2025 02:18

I wouldn’t do it. Unless you loved her as much as him. And you don’t. Just walk away.

Subwaystop · 13/04/2025 02:18

You seem to be already with one foot out. Is he a good man, are you getting a lot out of this relationship?

TwinklyNight · 13/04/2025 02:23

No.

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 02:38

Men date and have relationships with women with trouble children all the time, but if you are doing it because you think you can fix her you won't yes I could be wrong but it feels like you are making it about you not her so I say that as something to think about carefully

herstorynotmine · 13/04/2025 02:54

As a parent of a similar teen I'd say don't date unless you are very independent, happy to just keep dating vs living together (which based on your posts I'm not sure you are). Supporting her especially after the death of her mother is a long long road, if she isn't aiming for Uni (which obviously may change) you need to consider whether this is a relationship which continues with living in separate houses and if you want/can handle that.

There is a world of difference between enjoying a quick chat with someone or even liking their company ad hoc versus living with them all the time.

Have you been there when she's had a melt down? How did she and her dad handle that and especially your presence?

jjpollypocket · 13/04/2025 03:09

TooBigForMyBoots · 13/04/2025 01:19

No.

This!

ThisFluentBiscuit · 13/04/2025 03:35

I couldn't be arsed, but that's me. I'd rather be alone than deal with all that.

Gundogday · 13/04/2025 03:45

Have a relationship, but don’t move in together.

Trashpalace · 13/04/2025 04:01

What is your partner'/her father's attitude towards the situation?

In my view it is difficult living with a non-biological child because the biological parent can sideline the non-biological parent and trump your opinions about how the child is behaving - which is likely to have an enormous impact on living conditions in the house. Imagine the consequences if only the biological parent has a say in these things and you are left living with a family member being rude/disrespectful of you on a daily basis. It does seem to happen. I'd only remotely consider it if that parent agreed that we were going to be equal partners and have equal status and say in the household with regard to the child/children. (Obviously this does not apply where a biological parent is protecting a child from abusive behaviour of a non-biological parent). Also it has to be nuanced as obviously dad knows his daughter better and has more say about some aspects of guiding her but there ought to be genuine respect for you as an adult and a parent-like figure in the household.

Also you may like to consider what happens if the relationship ends. I know women who have poured a lot of energy into children of their partner only for the relationship to end about 10 years later. You effectively have a child with which to maintain a life-long relationship with at that point.

LobeliaBaggins · 13/04/2025 05:07

No. I cant be bothered to fix other people's kids.

CrispieCake · 13/04/2025 05:43

Not unless I was willing to be in a family with the teen as well, and to accept that my life would be significantly changed and I might well have to do some difficult "parenting" without the benefits of being a parent. Parents have to give to children without expecting any kind of thanks or return, and often despite their best efforts, things go wrong anyway. If this relationship progressed, you'd be committing to the child just as much as the father. Given that she's already suffered a significant bereavement, I don't think it would be fair to become heavily involved in her life unless you really feel that the relationship will last and are willing to put some hard graft in. This is not a 'blended family' scenario where she has a mum and another house as well, which would be different.