Would you stay in a relationship where single dad has troubled teen?

[Littleloss]

Hi, just after some advice. Very sadly my partner lost his wife in a tragic accident 4 years ago. He has a teenage daughter with some behavioural issues, ADHD and quite possibly autism and depression. They obviously had a horrible time and it’s no surprise the daughter struggles. She shouts and calls him names, has stollen some money out of my purse (I don’t have proof, but it was gone after being left in their living room whilst I popped out), she threatens to hurt herself, shop lifts (sweets and chocolate), frequently bunks off school or claims to be sick.
I myself do not have any children of my own. We have been together a little over a year now, we live in separate houses. I am coming to terms with the fact that we will either not have a full life together for a good number of years, or that I will eventually become “step mum”. I just want people opinions on how to navigate this situation, would most people leave and think he should focus on his daughter (he does and tries to help her a lot), or if you really cared for both your partner and his daughter would you stay?

It would have been better to think this through before dating him for a year.

The current set up of you staying at theirs several days a week, presumably because he doesn’t have overnight childcare, sounds crap for his DD - way too much too soon - and for you, if you want a nice, dating type relationship outside of his home, DD and local area.

@Loopytiles well yes, but when I first got into this I didn’t know all the issues with his daughter and even when he told me I didn’t know the extent

That wasn’t very honest of him.

The best step kids are the adult ones that have moved out. I wouldn’t even consider living with someone with kids full time, you’ll end up resentful

@Loopytiles well I guess it’s partly my fault, he told me she had some issues, but I didn’t really get the extent

It’s hell on earth when the whole household is dictated to by the whims of a teenager with SEN.

Honestly, the people on here are the best, it’s really helped me to know what I need to do. I really don’t want to, but it’s probably the best thing to do. I feel for the daughter and for him. But I think her and my needs should come before him wanting a girlfriend and perhaps someone else will be happy being a part timer

It depends. Do you want the relationship to progress to living together? If so, I’d say signing up for this would be folly. But if you want to maintain your independence and live apart it could he navigated. You have to hold firm boundaries though.

What @Trashpalace says:

"In my view it is difficult living with a non-biological child because the biological parent can sideline the non-biological parent and trump your opinions about how the child is behaving - which is likely to have an enormous impact on living conditions in the house. Imagine the consequences if only the biological parent has a say in these things and you are left living with a family member being rude/disrespectful of you on a daily basis. It does seem to happen."

Run a mile OP. I'm still dealing with this 10 years on and it's incredibly draining. There's a terrible atmosphere in our house and the impact on our collective mental health and relationships is appalling.

I don't see a decent future for you here. I also think it was irresponsible of the father to introduce you into the household (staying over etc) so soon.

@S0j0urn4r yes I think being a single parent and with the distance it was maybe a bit hard for him not to, but you are right

@rosyvalentine yes hard though, a lot of people my age have children and everyone has some baggage, I suppose it depends if it’s the right fit, which this perhaps isn’t

I mean he should be putting the child first. Even a stable, neurotypical child would struggle with a stranger staying over in their home in this situation.

No I wouldn’t.

I wouldn’t either, OP. And I say this as a widowed parent of two inc. a challenging ND nearly 16 year old. I’ve been on my own for the last 8+ years because I have no time, but even more because there’s just no way any other adult apart from his lovely late dad could deal with us all. I’m exhausted and lonely, but doing a relatively decent job of the parenting I think, and no way I’d rock that boat.

Even if a lot of people your age have children, finding someone geographically closer with a contact pattern that accommodates dating, and with teens as settled as you could expect them to be, would be a much better situation than the one you're in now. My DH has four DC who are all ND to various degrees (diagnosed), they're all adults now and I genuinely love them but my god I would advise anyone else to run a mile from any kind of set-up that's challenging from the get-go. My mental health is still in tatters from it all.

Something that jumps out is the built re your own children. You say 'probably not, you're getting too old'. If you mean you've actually made more of a decision about that then ok but if it's still a possibility and up in the air I would be thinking carefully.

I would want to first decide whether you are actually interested in that, and would like to try and meet someone available, or not. Fine if not but I think there is scope for regret later on if this isn't your decision but you time out because you pick a partner who isn't in a position to consider/ discuss children with you and at least rule them out because he has too much on with his daughter.

Otherwise, I think you being there that regularly is a lot for the daughter. That may mean the relationship not progressing as quickly as you'd like. On balance, I think I might start to consider this as a 'would have been lovely but...' relationship.

@Veggielepsy no it is my decision, I love children, but I don’t really want my own. Yes maybe it would have been lovely…. but. It’s a shame

I’m married to a man with a pre-teen with similar issues. It is a huge regret and the hardest thing in my life. I absolutely would not advise anyone to do this or underestimate the toll it will take on your family and relationships.

@Soontobesingles thank you. I’m so sorry for you. Yes it’s really hard, I’m starting to realise what I need to do. But the actual doing it is feeling tough

No. It will be miserable for you, but it's also not the right thing to do for her.

It is really tough 😞

As I posted above, I am in a not dissimilar position, but a key difference is we live 15 mins drive away from each other. That means we can have time together easily without staying over, go out for quick walks/coffees etc.

The other key difference as I said before is that we both have somewhat tricky kids and have no plans or intention to blend or move in together until potentially they are 18 plus or maybe not even then (living nearby means we could maintain two homes).

No. I tried dating someone who had a young teenage daughter with Autism and ADHD. It was hell, I have 3 children and bringing them into that situation would never have worked. No matter how much we liked each other.

yes, a very unhealthy dynamic