Would you stay in a relationship where single dad has troubled teen?

[Littleloss]

Hi, just after some advice. Very sadly my partner lost his wife in a tragic accident 4 years ago. He has a teenage daughter with some behavioural issues, ADHD and quite possibly autism and depression. They obviously had a horrible time and it’s no surprise the daughter struggles. She shouts and calls him names, has stollen some money out of my purse (I don’t have proof, but it was gone after being left in their living room whilst I popped out), she threatens to hurt herself, shop lifts (sweets and chocolate), frequently bunks off school or claims to be sick.
I myself do not have any children of my own. We have been together a little over a year now, we live in separate houses. I am coming to terms with the fact that we will either not have a full life together for a good number of years, or that I will eventually become “step mum”. I just want people opinions on how to navigate this situation, would most people leave and think he should focus on his daughter (he does and tries to help her a lot), or if you really cared for both your partner and his daughter would you stay?

Depends on how much I liked her father whether or not i’d be prepared to put up with it. But if I did, i’d assume moving in together wouldn’t be on the cards for a while. Maybe take a few holidays together, spend some weekends there. It may help her having you around, and it sounds like she does seem to like you. Difficult situation for her. Dad dating probably isn’t the best for her and personally I would have focussed on my DD until she was 18, but everyone is different.

You’re already thinking that this could be a bad idea (by asking on MN), and you would be right.

You don’t have any DC, you would like a DP where you can combine households and live together peacefully.

Long-term it doesn’t sound like you will get what you need from this relationship as the compromises for you would be significant.

Conversely your DP’s life would improve hugely by having someone else to share all of the load with.

If I were you I would leave.

I agree with this. Presumably you really like him, so just carry on as you are, spending time at each other’s places. I think how much you like him, and how good the relationship is, is key. You don’t want to let a good relationship go during his daughter’s teenage years which are always difficult and evolving anyway.

I’m in a similar situation being in relationship with a lovely widower. He has one autistic, reclusive, depressed troubled only daughter who sadly lost her Mum aged 14 and is still ( mostly) at home in her early 20s. I get on really well with her but instinctively I don’t want to be without my own bolthole. Apart from anything else they are both messy, and argumentative when together, whereas my partner and are very harmonious and chilled when alone.

My view is that there is no rush to live together at all, unless there are financial pressures. I’ve found as your partner’s daughter gets older you do get more time together. You can increase time together and take holidays both with and without his daughter, without taking the risk of permanently living with a troubled teen.

Does the daughter form other friendships? Does she have relationships with aunts and uncles etc too? I get on well with his daughter but it worries me that she has a very limited social life due to the autistic traits I think. She seems content with one friend at a time but her isolation does worry me and has magnified her dependence on her Dad, but there are signs she is slowly building more connections and talk of moving into a flat eventually.

The teen is already bereaved as well. I'd keep my distance somewhat, OP, because if you move in together and you become a significant influence in her life, but the pressure of living together causes the relationship to break down, that might be particularly hard for her if she's bonded with you.

No, I wouldn’t pursue this relationship.

Parenting is bloody hard work at the best of times. Add to this the fact that the child is 13 (teenage years are an utter minefield!!) bereaved, neurodiverse and not even yours, and you have a perfect storm.

I doubt your relationship would thrive.

I would call this one a day if it were me.

I would not have got into the relationship

No. I wouldn't get into a relationship with anyone who had family issues which would negatively impact my life.

I think you don't move in. Keep your distance from any parenting decisions and date if you like him.

I think it comes down to what you want:
If you want full time commitment, living together quite soon, that is probably going to be a difficult path and those of us with SEN teens love them dearly but would not necessarily have chosen this path.
I wouldn't subject anyone else to living with my dds 😆

He is probably not available to commit to you fully.

On the hand if you're happy to have a committed live-out relationship where you maintain your own home and have some time for yourself for your friends etc then that could work. As she gets older he will be able to leave her for longer and stay out of the house overnight etc.

I'm in a slightly similar position with a widower with a son with asd. It works well for us because I have my kids too and they're my focus, although they go to their dads EOW which is when we see each other most. It's lovely to have the relationship "on the side" of challenging parenting.

Also having divorced after a long marriage I still really value having my own house and not sure I want to give that up.

Only you can decide if what’s on offer, a part time relationship with a troubled teen is worth it for you.

personally it wouldn’t be enough for me. I want to be the centre of someone’s world as they would be mine. Tried dating a man with kids, it ended not so much because of the kids but I struggled with how two kids which weren’t mine to had such an impact on my life and what I wanted to do. I’m so much happier not with my abuser but also not having my life flipped on its head every other weekend and few weeks in holidays. His kids weren’t even bad and I struggled, so dealing with a kid who is struggling I wouldn’t cope.

do you parenting styles align? Mine and my exes didn’t which caused a whole world or problems with just that alone

Honestly, I wouldn’t choose a life like this, this sounds a very hard road to walk.

No
Wouldn't have got into a relationship with a single parent in the first place.

This relationship will always be hard work, not sure I could be bothered, life too short.

I did OP, very similar child only I met when they were much younger, I’m ten years in. It’s gotten worse. You have to accept this child won’t ever be independent and will be a shadow to your OH until he dies. Think how much his life is restricted by her now and ask yourself if you’re happy to live by those restrictions too. Forget peaceful couple holidays, you’ll struggle to get a peaceful meal.

Oh god please don’t go in with a saviour complex. You’ll be sorely disappointed. Your life and relationship isn’t for the benefit of his child.

What is the benefit of moving in? I can't see any. It will disrupt a troubled child. It will make you dependent on DP from a housing perspective with zero rights as you are not married.
There's no lack of fullness in a relationship where you have separate homes. You can be a feature and a part of his life if she accepts you but you allow yourself to have independence and he can focus on his DD.
Just look at the step parent threads on here to see how moving in can backfire

@Whyherewego I agree. I used to stay in my own home so I could still enjoy a weekend lie in and some quiet time and space. I would maintain that if you can afford to.

@Whyherewego so the problem is we live quite far away from each other (1.5 hour drive), so I visit him and stay for a few days each week, I’m not sure how that really continues. I do also think eventually he would like to live together, I don’t know when. Regardless I would never give up my own home, IF we ever decided to live together my house would go on the rental market. But these are all the things I’m weighing up. But it doesn’t seem like this is a good idea, he’s very sweet to me and I love him very much, but reality is kicking in

Since she is only 13 it is very likely that she hasn't hit her worse years yet with regards to anxiety and other issues that normally come along with the diagnosis she has. I think you have to see how she is at 16-17 before you even start to think about moving in together. If you want to move closer you can of course do that and spend shorter spells with them but more frequently. I do think it would be a mistake to move in within the next 2-3 years though.

A friend of mine moved in with her partner when his audhd DD was 13 and it was fine for the first 2 or so years, now they are 7 years in and the DD is suffering immensely. The DD even cries if my friend sits down to have dinner with her and her dad as her social anxiety and anxiety around food in general is so severe. I really think you need to make a decision if you are prepared to be sort of in the background for the next 5-10 years and live on their terms, or if not, don't take the relationship any further.

you could both carry on living apart while dating? No need to move in together and of course he has to prioritise his daughter who is going through a particularly difficult patch. Things might settle in a couple of years. However it depends on what you want out of a relationship

Yeah I hear ya. My DP and I live similar distance but to be honest we just do the "seeing each other for a few days and then not for a few days ". It works for us and I prefer it that way as then I get uninterrupted time with my DC

This. You’re in a relationship with both.

Personally, I wouldn’t go looking for trouble.

I can absolutely guarantee that if you do move, in dates etc will all but stop happening. He'll be making an effort now to take you out because you're a visitor who has driven 1.5 hours to see him, but once you're living together as a family unit his DD might get jealous or upset about you two going out without her, or he might just not make the effort because he'll be exhausted dealing with the challenges of looking after his bereaved troubled teen and simply not feel like going out much. So basically what you'll be left with is the drudge work of helping with parenting (because you'll very likely feel too guilty to not ever cook a family meal or assist with the extra shopping, housework etc that DC cause). That's assuming he does indeed get a babysitter and take you out now - if not then what the hell are you doing?!

No I wouldn't

He does get a baby sitter twice a week, but yes you might be right. I’ve started to realise I’m not very happy with the prospects for the future. He needs to prioritise her, but her mood effects him, which then effects me.