Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Advice Needed - NACHO

51 replies

butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 19:55

Hi,
I’m feeling like a victim but I don’t want to stay in that mentality. Basically, I moved in with my fiancé and his adult children (Eldest is 29 and other is 26, both boys).

I’m doing my best with WFH, household chores, walking dogs, doing dinner, etc and I can feel myself getting resentful that the children don’t do anything around the house. I’m learning that this is the family dynamic and dad does everything for them, and therefore they are a bit spoilt.

As an example, I cooked dinner tonight as my fiancé works shifts and would be home late, however the dinner was later than usual as the chicken wasn’t fully defrosted and needed longer. The eldest wasn’t happy about it, no words but could sense, and didn’t thank me for doing him dinner.

I don’t want to feel like I’m being a baby but I’m not sure when to do more and when to step back; does anyone have the same issue and how to do overcome?

I get on really well with my fiancé’s 3 adult children (one doesn’t live with us full time) and don’t wish to cause any upset but I find the dynamic difficult at times.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 09/04/2025 20:02

First, they are men not boys.

and it seems that You've moved in to be the skivvy.

who else is cooking snd doing chores? What chores? Are they doing their own washing?
Just stop.

notatinydancer · 09/04/2025 20:04

Fuck that. They are not children. Did you not discuss this before you moved in ?
I’d be moving straight back out.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:04

the children don’t do anything around the house

Which children would these be as you appear to be talking about grown men in their twenties who should be looking after themselves. Your fiancé has seen you coming I’m afraid. Get out of this situation while you can. Slaving after 3 adult men! I feel
like this can’t be serious?!

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 20:05

So your DP has 3 adult children, 2 live with you FT, and 1 lives with you PT (hoping this isn’t a grown adult still sticking to a visiting rota?)

Have you discussed shared housework with any of them?

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:09

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 20:05

So your DP has 3 adult children, 2 live with you FT, and 1 lives with you PT (hoping this isn’t a grown adult still sticking to a visiting rota?)

Have you discussed shared housework with any of them?

Correct. No, I’ve not discussed it as it appears to the dynamic for which I don’t want to get involved in and change as it could cause bad feeling.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:10

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:04

the children don’t do anything around the house

Which children would these be as you appear to be talking about grown men in their twenties who should be looking after themselves. Your fiancé has seen you coming I’m afraid. Get out of this situation while you can. Slaving after 3 adult men! I feel
like this can’t be serious?!

My fiancé does his fair share to be honest, and literally did everything before I came along. He’s the least laziest person but that is why I feel his kids are not expected to do anything.

OP posts:
Eggsboxedandmelting · 09/04/2025 20:10

Surely you present all of them including dp with a cooking and chore rota? Not up for debate imo.

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 20:11

You don’t want to cause bad feeling but they’re all quite happy to dump on you? Why on earth are 3 grown men still living at home and what’s the deal with the PT one?

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:11

DorothyStorm · 09/04/2025 20:02

First, they are men not boys.

and it seems that You've moved in to be the skivvy.

who else is cooking snd doing chores? What chores? Are they doing their own washing?
Just stop.

Between my fiance and I we do everything. The eldest does his own washing sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:12

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 20:11

You don’t want to cause bad feeling but they’re all quite happy to dump on you? Why on earth are 3 grown men still living at home and what’s the deal with the PT one?

2 grown men are still at home Full time. The PT one is between her mum’s and ours but to be fair we don’t see her much.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 09/04/2025 20:13

butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:11

Between my fiance and I we do everything. The eldest does his own washing sometimes.

Show quote history

Then stop.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:13

Eggsboxedandmelting · 09/04/2025 20:10

Surely you present all of them including dp with a cooking and chore rota? Not up for debate imo.

Nope and as I moved into their family home, I don’t feel I can change anything. My fiance is definitely an enabler for their laziness, but he’s a wonderful dad and partner.

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:13

@butterfly172 But why is your fiancé expecting you to be a mother/nanny figure to his adult sons? Weird as. Ceasing to refer to them as “the children” is a good place to start.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:14

DorothyStorm · 09/04/2025 20:13

Then stop.

Show quote history

Is this what’s known as NACHO step parenting?

OP posts:
EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:16

He’s not a wonderful dad purely off what you’ve already said. A good Dad sets his sons up with the skills to be men.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:17

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:13

@butterfly172 But why is your fiancé expecting you to be a mother/nanny figure to his adult sons? Weird as. Ceasing to refer to them as “the children” is a good place to start.

I don’t know what else to call them as they are his children 😂

OP posts:
ImABitchImALover · 09/04/2025 20:18

Hun, adult men?! Come on now. They are GROWN MEN! You do NOT have to clean up after them, cook for them, or do any bloody thing for them, they are capable of doing it themselves.

Next time hubby isn’t around to cater to them, (if that’s what he chooses to do as their father then that’s his look out), take yourself out for dinner, or get a take out and read a good book, let them figure their own dinner out or go hungry!

I can’t believe I’m even having to say that about grown men honestly…

DenholmElliot11 · 09/04/2025 20:18

I think you might be your boyfriends retirement plan.😀

DorothyStorm · 09/04/2025 20:19

butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:14

Is this what’s known as NACHO step parenting?

Show quote history

they are adults.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:20

ImABitchImALover · 09/04/2025 20:18

Hun, adult men?! Come on now. They are GROWN MEN! You do NOT have to clean up after them, cook for them, or do any bloody thing for them, they are capable of doing it themselves.

Next time hubby isn’t around to cater to them, (if that’s what he chooses to do as their father then that’s his look out), take yourself out for dinner, or get a take out and read a good book, let them figure their own dinner out or go hungry!

I can’t believe I’m even having to say that about grown men honestly…

This seems like a good idea, I don’t want to be taken advantage of. If I’m not around to do dinner they usually get a takeaway, or maybe cook for themselves. But most of the time we do it

OP posts:
ImABitchImALover · 09/04/2025 20:20

butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:09

Correct. No, I’ve not discussed it as it appears to the dynamic for which I don’t want to get involved in and change as it could cause bad feeling.

Show quote history

It’s already causing bad feeling. YOU are feeling bad. Your feelings don’t matter any less than anyone else’s!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:20

@butterfly172 but they are not your children. NACHO parenting is Not Your Child, Not Your Problem but there are no children in this situation, just three men taking the piss out of you.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:21

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:20

@butterfly172 but they are not your children. NACHO parenting is Not Your Child, Not Your Problem but there are no children in this situation, just three men taking the piss out of you.

Personally I think they take the piss out of their dad too.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 09/04/2025 20:22

You wash their clothes?

Worried8263839 · 09/04/2025 20:24

If you don’t feel you can change anything in the household, that’s one thing. However, how did these grown men feed themselves when their Dad worked shifts before you moved in? They are taking advantage and your fiance has/ia failing them. Imagine what these men will be like if they ever move out with a partner! Speak to your fiance. You don’t have to change the household but equally you don’t have to do anything for them, they should be responsible for themselves. If your fiance isn’t happy with that then that’s a major concern. He was doing it all before, he should continue doing it if he thinks that’s a healthy way to parent two grown men still living at home