Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Advice Needed - NACHO

51 replies

butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 19:55

Hi,
I’m feeling like a victim but I don’t want to stay in that mentality. Basically, I moved in with my fiancé and his adult children (Eldest is 29 and other is 26, both boys).

I’m doing my best with WFH, household chores, walking dogs, doing dinner, etc and I can feel myself getting resentful that the children don’t do anything around the house. I’m learning that this is the family dynamic and dad does everything for them, and therefore they are a bit spoilt.

As an example, I cooked dinner tonight as my fiancé works shifts and would be home late, however the dinner was later than usual as the chicken wasn’t fully defrosted and needed longer. The eldest wasn’t happy about it, no words but could sense, and didn’t thank me for doing him dinner.

I don’t want to feel like I’m being a baby but I’m not sure when to do more and when to step back; does anyone have the same issue and how to do overcome?

I get on really well with my fiancé’s 3 adult children (one doesn’t live with us full time) and don’t wish to cause any upset but I find the dynamic difficult at times.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:27

TeachesOfPeaches · 09/04/2025 20:22

You wash their clothes?

Yes although the eldest sometimes does their own washing but will only fill the washing machine up half way and not consider the rest of the household washing.

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 09/04/2025 20:29

I read another thread very similar to this, with the woman moving in with her partner and lazy adult children. The consensus was that she was essentially moving into a house share, but where she had no say in the fact that some of her "housemates" did no chores.

I think in this situation I'd move back out. I don't think I'd want to live with someone else's adult kids, even if I liked them as people. If I wanted to stay in the relationship I'd live separately.

Worried8263839 · 09/04/2025 20:29

butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:27

Yes although the eldest sometimes does their own washing but will only fill the washing machine up half way and not consider the rest of the household washing.

Show quote history

Do they have their own wash baskets? Just leave them!

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 20:30

The PT one is between her mum’s and ours but to be fair we don’t see her much.

How old is she?

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:31

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 20:30

The PT one is between her mum’s and ours but to be fair we don’t see her much.

How old is she?

23

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:31

Worried8263839 · 09/04/2025 20:29

Do they have their own wash baskets? Just leave them!

Show quote history

One does, the others uses the house one.

OP posts:
SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 20:33

Why not live separately and just enjoy dating your fiancé?
How does it benefit you to live with these various men and act as their servant?

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 20:34

butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:31

23

Show quote history

It horrifies me that all these adults still haven’t flown the nest, and a 23yr old still lives between mum and dad. There’s something really off about the whole set-up, let alone the issue of housework

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:35

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 09/04/2025 20:33

Why not live separately and just enjoy dating your fiancé?
How does it benefit you to live with these various men and act as their servant?

We’re due to move out in a couple of years (due to fixed mortgage) and my fiancé has told them they will need to move out. I can’t live separately; we’re getting married soon.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 09/04/2025 20:36

oh c'mon OP, start running. Things will never ever change. This won't make you happy.

At the very least, stop skivvying for them

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 09/04/2025 20:42

You keep saying you don't want to change anything, but you already did - by moving in.

Previously, if your partner wasn't home to cook dinner, they would have sorted themselves out.

If your partner didn't clean up their mess or do their washing, it wouldn't get done.

Honestly, just stop it. They don't need you to do this and neither does your partner. You're demeaning yourself and they won't appreciate it - they'll just see you as the servant that you're acting like.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:44

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 09/04/2025 20:42

You keep saying you don't want to change anything, but you already did - by moving in.

Previously, if your partner wasn't home to cook dinner, they would have sorted themselves out.

If your partner didn't clean up their mess or do their washing, it wouldn't get done.

Honestly, just stop it. They don't need you to do this and neither does your partner. You're demeaning yourself and they won't appreciate it - they'll just see you as the servant that you're acting like.

This is so true. It would be interesting to know. He does have a tendency to cook for them and leave it in a slow cooker so they can have it when they get home from work as he’ll be on shift. I’m guessing that’s what happened back then.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:46

SpainToday · 09/04/2025 20:34

It horrifies me that all these adults still haven’t flown the nest, and a 23yr old still lives between mum and dad. There’s something really off about the whole set-up, let alone the issue of housework

Show quote history

To be honest, I don’t think they’d move out on their own accord but he’s given them 2 years and then when we move into our own home, they have to get their own place.

OP posts:
Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 09/04/2025 20:49

It's going to be a long 2 years for you!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:52

And what will happen in two years if they aren’t sorted? He won’t make his sons homeless!

ScaryM0nster · 09/04/2025 20:53

If it’s frustrating you, have a discussion with your fiancé about it.

Probably off the premises. If you’re concerned about rocking the boat frame it as you’re not really clear on how things work and expectations. You’re happy with sharing with other adults and all
pulling weight and a bit of tlc all round, and you’re also happy with his sons operations independently. What you’re tiptoeing around a bit is the unclear expectations. You’re happy taking turns, but not housekeeping for independent adults.

As some suggestions, whiteboard on the fridge with who’s doing dinner, ball park time and who’s in for it. Then no misunderstandings and everyone pulls their weight. Generally easiest if you cook, you clear up rather than splitting that up.

Laundry basket, you use it, you also wash the stuff in it. So if people share the basket they do their share of the loads from it. If they’ve got their own then they sort that out. I can see plenty of adults preferring to do their own laundry and not anyone else’s.

You all clean your own rooms. You have some kind of sensible plan for shared areas. That might be you and fiancé do indoors and his sons do outdoors. Or split living areas and bathrooms. Or whatever.

Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:54

ScaryM0nster · 09/04/2025 20:53

If it’s frustrating you, have a discussion with your fiancé about it.

Probably off the premises. If you’re concerned about rocking the boat frame it as you’re not really clear on how things work and expectations. You’re happy with sharing with other adults and all
pulling weight and a bit of tlc all round, and you’re also happy with his sons operations independently. What you’re tiptoeing around a bit is the unclear expectations. You’re happy taking turns, but not housekeeping for independent adults.

As some suggestions, whiteboard on the fridge with who’s doing dinner, ball park time and who’s in for it. Then no misunderstandings and everyone pulls their weight. Generally easiest if you cook, you clear up rather than splitting that up.

Laundry basket, you use it, you also wash the stuff in it. So if people share the basket they do their share of the loads from it. If they’ve got their own then they sort that out. I can see plenty of adults preferring to do their own laundry and not anyone else’s.

You all clean your own rooms. You have some kind of sensible plan for shared areas. That might be you and fiancé do indoors and his sons do outdoors. Or split living areas and bathrooms. Or whatever.

Amazing advice 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:56

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2025 20:52

And what will happen in two years if they aren’t sorted? He won’t make his sons homeless!

I know, but my fiance also wants them to go as he “doesn’t want them on his coat tails forever” (his words). But it does cross my mind as they don’t appear to be saving money but then how would I know that.

OP posts:
Original poster
butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:57

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 09/04/2025 20:49

It's going to be a long 2 years for you!

Yep, it will be.

OP posts:
RoachFish · 09/04/2025 21:10

I can't for the life of me understand what made you move in to a house with three grown men who you aren't related to. You don't actually have to live together, or get married. Up unitl now you have been in a relationship without those things and presumably you were happier and much less stressed and annoyed. I would move out and tell my boyfriend that once he is living independently you can talk about taking the next steps. He also needs to make sacrifices, not just you. You also can't be a new step mother to men pushing 30.

Curlycurio · 09/04/2025 21:16

So before you came along, if your DP was working shifts and home late who was cooking their dinner?

You mention falling in to their existing dynamic but there was no one there to cook their dinners when he was on shifts before.

I think leave dp to do what he wants but no need to take on cooking for and looking after grown men just because he wants to.

Thatsenoughadulting · 09/04/2025 22:22

butterfly172 · 09/04/2025 20:56

I know, but my fiance also wants them to go as he “doesn’t want them on his coat tails forever” (his words). But it does cross my mind as they don’t appear to be saving money but then how would I know that.

Show quote history

Well he's not done a very good job of raising them to be independent adults has he? They have zero incentive to leave. Why would they when they're waited I hand and foot. A nearly 30 year old getting their washing done for them? It's beyond ridiculous! I seriously hope they're at least paying your rent?

Honestly, I'd be so turned off by a man who babied his adult sons like this. I think you're being very naive to believe they'll be out of your hair in 2 years time.

Charliecatpaws · 09/04/2025 22:59

Who did the cooking before you moved in? Are the “children” capable of cooking?
My adult children cook their own meals when they are here. I’m perimenopausal and can barely have the energy to look after myself these days

NorthernSpirit · 10/04/2025 13:02

The NACHO method of step parenting isn’t applicable in this case as it refers to step CHILDREN.

These 2 SC are ADULTS at that age. You have moved in and become their skivvy. If your partner wants to pander to and do everything for grown ass men - let him. Absolutely not your problem.

No thanks from them? No thank you. Let them get on with it.

Vatsallfolks · 10/04/2025 14:16

Simple .. at the end of the meal you simply say ‘who is cooking supper tomorrow night ‘ SS1 or SA2 ? Then tell them it’s a shared chore .. if dad doesn’t like it then he can cook every night !!