Adult step children still treated like kids

[manifestingit]

I am looking for feedback before I cause anymore problems.

My partner and I live together and have a newborn. He has 2 adult children (m20, f18) who live with us 50% of the time. Which is their choice to continue this until they are in a position to get their own place.

My partner and I have clashed a lot over the last year about how much ‘free rein’ his children get in our house. He feels as they are adults they should be allowed to come and go and do as they please. I agree to an extent, HOWEVER, I do not agree that they can have partners over every time they are in our house and staying over whenever they like.

We live in my house, which is a modest 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom, so space is tight. Also I am 9 weeks postpartum. I don’t want other people in the house all the time.
We had a massive fight about this and almost split up as I refused to back down. As I strongly feel my needs during this postpartum period is more important than teenager / young adults wants.

We reached an agreement with no sleep overs until baby is sleeping better and I feel ready and their partners can come over a couple of times a week for dinner but not every day they are here.

Neither of his children pay ‘digs’ . They had one chore each which again was a point on contention as the 18f had to be reminded every time or it wouldn’t get done. The chores were what you would expect of primary age children. I.e clean the bathroom once a week and turn the dishwasher on and empty it when done.
I have since refused to do their laundry so that is on them to do themselves now and if they don’t they will feel the impact of it. Not me.

Last night we got into it again. He offered his children the dinner left overs for lunch and was taking a portion for himself to work. I verbalised the observation that he never makes me up a portion of leftovers or even offers me some. I am lucky if I get the chance to use the bathroom in peace during the day sometimes as baby has colic so making a meal is usually out of the question, however he sorts himself out and his adult children with lunch for the next day, bearing in mind both his children were off work / college the next day. His response, “they’re my kids, I think about them. I don’t think about you”
Well I was pissed. I removed myself from the conversation but tried to speak later and he doubled down by saying that he “fathered them and will always think about them and that he is not my father”

I am still pissed. I am getting zero sleep as I do all the night feeds as he thinks his sleep can’t be disturbed because he is working. He now takes baby for a few hours in the morning at weekends to let me catch up on sleep but even this took an argument.

I haven’t ate a balance meal during the day since baby was born unless my mum has come up and made it for me and yet his adult children still trump me.

So…Am I being selfish or doI have a right to feel pissed off that not only do his adult children still come first but it is clear I am not even an equal?

He fails to see you are at breaking point, a few weeks post partum. He doesn't care either.

This was the final straw. He can lie to people all he wants as long as he does it from somewhere else. He clearly didn't think you would tell him to leave.

Huge respect to you for standing your ground. Can't imagine how difficult it actually has been for you recently and I hope you find relief and peace with him gone. You and your daughter deserve better. 💐

I'm pleased to see your update and that it's over. Can your mother or someone else come over to stay for a while? I'm imagining the possibility of ugly scenes over the next few days; freeloaders can get nasty at the end of the free ride.

Puts which kids first? All three of them, or do only the first two count? Because his baby is definitely not being put anywhere near first.

He told you he doesn’t think about you. He told you to stick the relationship up your arse. Even in the worst situations no one should even think these things let alone say them to their partner. Their partner who recently birthed their child.

um. Please tell us the relationship is over. Please. He is abusive, a poor parent, abusive, rude, abusive, taking advantage of you and oh, abusive.

Been here, minus the baby
Hence why I left
Run

'I don't think about you' you've just given birth to his child that's awful
Kick them all out

Also when I was a young adult living at home I needed to ask in advance for my bf to stay over

He can say whatever he wants, people would know him anyway and who cares, nobody is going to live your life for you!
Please, don't backtrack on asking him to move out. If you wobble tell him it is temporary because you need a space and a rest for the chaos. And then chat he locks and don't let him back in. He is not a good man and doesnt have any respect for you.
He have up his council house was not a smart move, especially when he has got kids being nearly adults. But that's not your problem at all. He can stay with them wherever he wants. Tough Lucy. I also echo what @crashbandicooty said, your baby is not being prioritised in the same way as the other two.

The situation is unreasonable for you. At the very least you should have your own lunch boxes and fill up a few portions of food you make for your self, labelled, in the fridge.

It is fair the older kids have a chore each.

It is also fair that as they are adult house guests to you, that you can ask them directly to help you with a task or two every now and again.

It is more than fair that they let you know in advance when they are planning on being there and that they ask permission to bring a sleep over guest (you having the power of veto).
Do they have your phone number? They should not treat you like you are invisible.
Your partner will always think like a Dad. You can think like an adult flat mate.
Your partner needs to want to give you more TLC and more respect for having his kids over regularly to your home.

As time goes on, hopefully, give and take will apply and sometimes baby can be left with older siblings while you and DP go out to the cinema etc.

I don't get this. A huge number of 18 and 20 year olds still live at home. Why should they have to give up their 50% with their dad just because they turned 18? I know in this case it's the OP's house not the dad's, but it is his home (it's where he lives) and it's an arrangement the OP agreed to.

And then make a decision to have a baby…

The ‘lack of’ hasn't just started surely?

You have agreed to this arrangement, overtime. You can't just expect two teens to suddenly move out because you two have had a baby.

Pleased you have resolved it, for the adult teens sake too.

Throw them all out! Your house, they are all adults and perfectly capable of sorting themselves out! At the very least, make them pay rent and use a cleaning rota. They should be treated like lodgers really.

I have no doubt he will tell people we ended because of left overs but I'm over it now

Goodness, that was quick, within 24 hours. You must be a tough cookie.

I disagree @BreakfastMeeting this has obviously been a long term issue.

Only just over nine months long….if you disagree.

I hope you're ok this morning Op, the newborn days are hard enough without all this disrespectful behaviour. Take care of you and your baby. If your partner can't put you first now, when you need it most, then he's not the man for you sadly. You deserve better.

I can't believe he thought it would be fine to tell you to shove your relationship up your arse and was surprised when you told him to leave then! He expected you just to put up with that

Your house, your rules, well done for standing your ground and taking no sh*t, kick them all out and claim your house back.

@manifestingit the lot of them are walking all over you but you know this, dont you? sorry, but I wouldnt accept this treatment from any of the lazy sods. you need to tell them all to sling their hook, especially your useless lazy partner! it will be hard, but you are really doing it all by yourself now anyway. there will be less work for you so your costs will also be lower.

Don’t take him back. Within a week he’ll be telling you he’ll change, you are tired cos of the baby and not seeing the ‘family’ you have built up over all these years and all the rest of it. At that point tell him to stick his relationship up his arse and that he, and his freeloading spawn, need to get out of your house

I am so sorry it has come to this but, honestly, it is for the best. How dare he speak to you so disrespectfully when you are financially supporting his older children and struggling to raise his third child during your post partum period!

Get rid of all three freeloaders today.

Enjoy the peace with your baby.

I'd have lost it at "I don't think about you.".

It's not the SDC that are the issue here, it's the absence of thought that you are a priority for him.

Having a baby has made you realise how crap this situation is. Your Partner should be helping and looking after you not 2 perfectly capable adults.
Its your house so you get to decide if they can stay and if their dad doesn't like it he can f off as well

Kindly meant OP, but uou are one poor mug being made a total fool of by a man who couldn't give a damn about you.

I wouldn't put up with my home being used like that by my own children, not to mind the adult children of a boyfriend.

Get him and his children out of your house now and focus on the baby and yourself.

Life will be so much easier without this selfish lazy loser in your home.

The food and leftovers tells you everything about how little regard he has for you.

I bet he is back tracking.
He knows you are a complete mug and he doesn't want to lose his cosy number.

Get him out, use the police if necessary.
Stop being used by him and his children.
Put yourself first.