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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult step children still treated like kids

103 replies

manifestingit · 14/03/2025 10:31

I am looking for feedback before I cause anymore problems.

My partner and I live together and have a newborn. He has 2 adult children (m20, f18) who live with us 50% of the time. Which is their choice to continue this until they are in a position to get their own place.

My partner and I have clashed a lot over the last year about how much ‘free rein’ his children get in our house. He feels as they are adults they should be allowed to come and go and do as they please. I agree to an extent, HOWEVER, I do not agree that they can have partners over every time they are in our house and staying over whenever they like.

We live in my house, which is a modest 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom, so space is tight. Also I am 9 weeks postpartum. I don’t want other people in the house all the time.
We had a massive fight about this and almost split up as I refused to back down. As I strongly feel my needs during this postpartum period is more important than teenager / young adults wants.

We reached an agreement with no sleep overs until baby is sleeping better and I feel ready and their partners can come over a couple of times a week for dinner but not every day they are here.

Neither of his children pay ‘digs’ . They had one chore each which again was a point on contention as the 18f had to be reminded every time or it wouldn’t get done. The chores were what you would expect of primary age children. I.e clean the bathroom once a week and turn the dishwasher on and empty it when done.
I have since refused to do their laundry so that is on them to do themselves now and if they don’t they will feel the impact of it. Not me.

Last night we got into it again. He offered his children the dinner left overs for lunch and was taking a portion for himself to work. I verbalised the observation that he never makes me up a portion of leftovers or even offers me some. I am lucky if I get the chance to use the bathroom in peace during the day sometimes as baby has colic so making a meal is usually out of the question, however he sorts himself out and his adult children with lunch for the next day, bearing in mind both his children were off work / college the next day. His response, “they’re my kids, I think about them. I don’t think about you”
Well I was pissed. I removed myself from the conversation but tried to speak later and he doubled down by saying that he “fathered them and will always think about them and that he is not my father”

I am still pissed. I am getting zero sleep as I do all the night feeds as he thinks his sleep can’t be disturbed because he is working. He now takes baby for a few hours in the morning at weekends to let me catch up on sleep but even this took an argument.

I haven’t ate a balance meal during the day since baby was born unless my mum has come up and made it for me and yet his adult children still trump me.

So…Am I being selfish or doI have a right to feel pissed off that not only do his adult children still come first but it is clear I am not even an equal?

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 14/03/2025 11:45

crackashark · 14/03/2025 10:42

Christ OP, throw the lot of them out! It’s your house!

You’ll need a room for the baby soon anyway, what’s the plan? The older one will have to go. I’d have said keep the younger one’s room until she finishes sixth form / college but from what you’ve said about your partner, I think you’d be better off without any of them.

Congratulations on your baby

As ever first post has it! Where did they live before descending on you?!

user5213768943 · 14/03/2025 11:53

If it was the teenagers family home that you had moved into, I could understand this situation. But the three of them have moved into your house and this is how you are treated with a brand new baby? I’d be livid and suggesting the DP move out with them. You’re not married, what are you getting out of this arrangement OP?
My kids are similar ages, and I would always put them first like your DP does, but presumably they have a mother and another house to be staying at while you are sleep deprived and finding your way. Let the baby cry at night, you might find they are not with you so often!

Diningtableornot · 14/03/2025 11:55

Hang on, before kicking anyone out, remember that the youngest is only 18 and many, probably most young people live at home well into their 20s nowadays. And this is their home, though part time. And they may have a lot of feelings about their dad having a new baby when they are practically grown up.
It's reasonable to say no sleepovers until your baby is a bit older and to expect the kids to do some chores, but don't start giving the impression that they should get out because they are no longer wanted or needed.
Things would feel a lot different if DH was giving you the care and support that you need at this time. This may be the root of the problem. Try explaining in a quiet moment what you need from him.

Digdongdoo · 14/03/2025 12:03

Why did you have a baby in this situation honestly? What were you expecting? For him to suddenly forget his (very young adult) children? The youngest is only 18, they won't have been an adult when this situation came to be. Why did they all move into your house? Why couldn't he contribute towards something a more suitable size for a family of 5 with such large age gaps? I'd get rid of them all personally.

LionME · 14/03/2025 12:07

His response, “they’re my kids, I think about them. I don’t think about you”

😳😳🤬🤬
Until his comment, it was never much an issue with him not letting his dcs grow up and expect them to be active members of the household.
But that comment?!?
Im not sure I’d be able to ‘get over that’. He’s just told you he doesn’t care about you and has no respect for the hard work you’re putting in re your TOGETHER baby.

How is he generally? Caring and careful about your needs? Or do you feel like you’re always going to be last?

Rosiesposy · 14/03/2025 12:09

We live in my house, which is a modest 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom

Kick all three of them out the house. It’s your house (and your baby’s) and yet you’re made to feel like an unwanted guest! The stepchildren can move back in with their mum and your partner (hopefully ex) can move in with a friend or his parents’.

JeanGenieJean · 14/03/2025 12:15

Give them all a month's notice, including him. It'll be hard on your own with a baby but easier than putting up with that useless lot. Maybe your mum will come and give you a hand, take care of the baby or cook you some meals.

Flossflower · 14/03/2025 12:22

The crucial facts are that he is a partner not a husband and it is your house. He is being absolutely unreasonable. Tell them all to leave.

Bluenotgreen · 14/03/2025 12:22

It’s time all these freeloaders fucked off and left you in peace.

BellyPork · 14/03/2025 12:22

The stepchildren are not the issue.

Can your mum come and stay for a couple of days? To give moral support while telling him its over and they're moving out. And to be there whilst they do just that.

Book the locksmith now.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/03/2025 12:48

This is shocking.
If this is your "partners" attitude then he needs to leave along with his older children.

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 12:55

Why are his kids not paying anything, is your partner paying their share. And why are you doing their washing, etc.?

thinktwice36 · 14/03/2025 13:08

Your house, your rules. They either start paying up and abiding by it or all three of the cheeky fuckers can sort their own accommodation out.

Buttonknot · 14/03/2025 13:13

The problem here is your partner and his lack of support. I'm surprised that so much of your post is about his kids rather than him.

Original poster
manifestingit · 14/03/2025 13:25

There have been a lot of replies so not going to respond to them all as dealing with a crying baby.

I don't have an issue with the kids (adults) as such. They are a product of their environment and been allowed to get away with doing nothing, and doing what they want, when they want so not their fault as such but it has been a discussion point on a number of occasions that they need to contribute to the household by way of chores or digs. My partner is very soft on them though and there are no repercussions if they don't do something.
I agree 18 is still a child, but my point with my partner is he wants to give her the freedom of adulthood, I.e boyfriend over whenever she wants but she still acts like a child and gets everything done for her. My view is pick one. She is a child or an adult. I will behave accordingly depending on the choice.

Before baby we had all the talks and he said the right things. Reality is different. For example he was going to do nights at weekend but went back on that when she was born. It took a disagreement to get him to get up with her at 6am at weekends and let me sleep.
He put the 18 year olds wants to have her boyfriend over 5 nights in one week when newborn was 4 weeks old and told me they were in her room so it didn't effect me. I blew up and he ended up at his mums for a few nights.

We have spoken on the phone today and I've made my feelings very clear. He says that for 20 years he has focused on them and can't believe I'm over resting over left overs. He doesn't see the bigger picture that he decided the left overs were for his family of 3 and didn't even consider me in that equation.

He had a council house which he gave up to move in with me.

I have a log cabin in the garden which the oldest will move into temporarily until he moves out which he has plans to do in the next year.

I want my daughter to have a family and not be in split homes so I'm trying but I'm really losing patience.

If they did move out, I could manage financially (just) on maternity leave if I use my savings so I'm not going to stay with him just for that.

OP posts:
EG94 · 14/03/2025 13:35

I’m not sure given his piss poor parenting for his existing children why you thought he’d be a great father to your child. He sounds really dismissive of you, your feelings and your shared child. I think him and his children should have moved out a long time ago. It’s very clear he either cares and values you and puts first or he leaves. Those are the only two options and you need to stand firm on them.

ThatsCute · 14/03/2025 13:35

He sounds like an absolute prince. 🤴

Thatsenoughadulting · 14/03/2025 13:37

manifestingit · 14/03/2025 13:25

There have been a lot of replies so not going to respond to them all as dealing with a crying baby.

I don't have an issue with the kids (adults) as such. They are a product of their environment and been allowed to get away with doing nothing, and doing what they want, when they want so not their fault as such but it has been a discussion point on a number of occasions that they need to contribute to the household by way of chores or digs. My partner is very soft on them though and there are no repercussions if they don't do something.
I agree 18 is still a child, but my point with my partner is he wants to give her the freedom of adulthood, I.e boyfriend over whenever she wants but she still acts like a child and gets everything done for her. My view is pick one. She is a child or an adult. I will behave accordingly depending on the choice.

Before baby we had all the talks and he said the right things. Reality is different. For example he was going to do nights at weekend but went back on that when she was born. It took a disagreement to get him to get up with her at 6am at weekends and let me sleep.
He put the 18 year olds wants to have her boyfriend over 5 nights in one week when newborn was 4 weeks old and told me they were in her room so it didn't effect me. I blew up and he ended up at his mums for a few nights.

We have spoken on the phone today and I've made my feelings very clear. He says that for 20 years he has focused on them and can't believe I'm over resting over left overs. He doesn't see the bigger picture that he decided the left overs were for his family of 3 and didn't even consider me in that equation.

He had a council house which he gave up to move in with me.

I have a log cabin in the garden which the oldest will move into temporarily until he moves out which he has plans to do in the next year.

I want my daughter to have a family and not be in split homes so I'm trying but I'm really losing patience.

If they did move out, I could manage financially (just) on maternity leave if I use my savings so I'm not going to stay with him just for that.

I think you've been more than fair and you've been totally taken for granted. I understand that you want to have a family unit for your child but the truth is he doesn't see you as family. He told you he doesn't think about you or your needs. How much does he actually do for the baby when he can't even be arsed to get up with her at 6am twice a week? It sounds like he's pulled a fast one, made a lot of promises that he had no intention of keeping. I'm sorry you've ended up trapped in this mess.

Deadringer · 14/03/2025 13:50

That is a ridiculous situation. However you might feel about his dc, having their partners stay over would be an absolute no from me. I have adult dc and they don't have partners over, we don't have room and quite frankly it's too much hassle. You can't force them to do chores but i wouldn't be lifting a finger for them, even if you didn't have a tiny baby.

Dontbeme · 14/03/2025 14:01

I have a log cabin in the garden which the oldest will move into temporarily until he moves out which he has plans to do in the next year.

Lol, the oldest is not going anywhere, you will have the oldest, their partner and any kids still living in your log cabin at the bottom of the garden and his youngest screaming that they want YOU to pay for a place for them too as it would be unfair otherwise. You are sleep walking into being taken advantage of, what is he bringing to the table OP, beside hungry mouths for you to feed?

waitingforthehallmarkedman · 14/03/2025 14:08

Why on earth would he give up a council house?? That's madness right there.

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 14:13

He gave up a council house to move all his kids in with you? That's nuts. And they don't pay anything?

Namerequired · 14/03/2025 14:16

He sounds awful. Has he always been ike this? You are last and he’s not afraid to tell you so. Doesn’t he realise your well being affects the baby’s wellbeing, or is the baby bottom of the pack too? I would be kicking them all out.

Doingmybestbut · 14/03/2025 14:30

Who cooked the meal? If it was you, I would stop
doing anything for any of them not just the step kids. Stop cooking their meals. Stop the washing. If DH complains: you’re not my child. I don’t think of you.

Doingmybestbut · 14/03/2025 14:32

Also, make sure the baby is waking everyone up. Get up with the baby when he/she cries. Turn all the lights on. Stamp around. Make sure the baby is crying right outside the visitor’s rooms.