Adult step children still treated like kids

[manifestingit]

I am looking for feedback before I cause anymore problems.

My partner and I live together and have a newborn. He has 2 adult children (m20, f18) who live with us 50% of the time. Which is their choice to continue this until they are in a position to get their own place.

My partner and I have clashed a lot over the last year about how much ‘free rein’ his children get in our house. He feels as they are adults they should be allowed to come and go and do as they please. I agree to an extent, HOWEVER, I do not agree that they can have partners over every time they are in our house and staying over whenever they like.

We live in my house, which is a modest 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom, so space is tight. Also I am 9 weeks postpartum. I don’t want other people in the house all the time.
We had a massive fight about this and almost split up as I refused to back down. As I strongly feel my needs during this postpartum period is more important than teenager / young adults wants.

We reached an agreement with no sleep overs until baby is sleeping better and I feel ready and their partners can come over a couple of times a week for dinner but not every day they are here.

Neither of his children pay ‘digs’ . They had one chore each which again was a point on contention as the 18f had to be reminded every time or it wouldn’t get done. The chores were what you would expect of primary age children. I.e clean the bathroom once a week and turn the dishwasher on and empty it when done.
I have since refused to do their laundry so that is on them to do themselves now and if they don’t they will feel the impact of it. Not me.

Last night we got into it again. He offered his children the dinner left overs for lunch and was taking a portion for himself to work. I verbalised the observation that he never makes me up a portion of leftovers or even offers me some. I am lucky if I get the chance to use the bathroom in peace during the day sometimes as baby has colic so making a meal is usually out of the question, however he sorts himself out and his adult children with lunch for the next day, bearing in mind both his children were off work / college the next day. His response, “they’re my kids, I think about them. I don’t think about you”
Well I was pissed. I removed myself from the conversation but tried to speak later and he doubled down by saying that he “fathered them and will always think about them and that he is not my father”

I am still pissed. I am getting zero sleep as I do all the night feeds as he thinks his sleep can’t be disturbed because he is working. He now takes baby for a few hours in the morning at weekends to let me catch up on sleep but even this took an argument.

I haven’t ate a balance meal during the day since baby was born unless my mum has come up and made it for me and yet his adult children still trump me.

So…Am I being selfish or doI have a right to feel pissed off that not only do his adult children still come first but it is clear I am not even an equal?

In a gentle way, I can see both sides. How long have you been together and how were things before the baby? Is this a recent development or were things like this before you chose to have a baby?

Some of the things are undoubtedly unreasonable on their part - they should help out more around the house for example.

On the flipside, you all live together so it's all of your home, for now at least. It's inflammatory to pull rank because it's 'your' house, how would you feel if thst situation was reversed? It comes across that you are resentful of your SKs and in turn DH has become resentful of you. It's a tricky situation and very hard to remain calm when you're post partum and lacking sleep so it's not a judgement.

Presumably you want to stay together and find a path through so maybe sit down all together and work on some ground rules / compromises? Could they be allowed friends over freely at weekends but not so much midweek and on the proviso that they do chores? Having teens myself I'd advise making them part of the conversation, to show that you see them as adults? I do think there needs to be compromise on both sides though, just my opinion

Him giving up his council house is irrelevant OP, don’t feel guilty about that. His kids can stay at their mum’s and he can get a rental like everybody else.

He sounds awful. Have you been together long?

This.

Why did you get involved with this inconsiderate lot ? Are you married?

Anyone who says "i don't think about you," and doubled down on it would be packing his bags within the hour. Come on. They are using you as a cash cow and skivvy.

He has 2 adult children (m20, f18) who live with us 50% of the time.

Another thread about adult 'children' who still have a rostered contact arrangement. Horrifying.

You live in your house so can throw them all out.

Having said that, I do think that you have been a little bit naive (sorry) in getting together with a man with 2 kids and not expecting stuff like this. Young adults still need their parents, they still need to be home sometimes. I don't think charging them rent is very fair either, just because the clock ticked by and they became 18. They are starting out in life and need help, not charges. They also understandably want to spend the night with a BF/GF.

That said, they don't sound very considerate. But they aren't fully grown up mentally yet / fully mature, so this is par for the course.

On the plus side, he sounds like the kind of father who always puts his kids first, which is great. He doesn't sound like a great partner if he just says to you "I'm not your father". He might as well have added "and so I don't give much of a shit about you".

Overall, messy and difficult. You could make a consideration of whether you would be better off splitting up with him.

Why is it horrifying? What should they do instead? If the 50/50 arrangement has been in place for years, why change it, if they are not yet living independently. I actually don't understand how an 18yo could live independently if in education - where's the money coming from?

The children are not the problem - your partner is.

Luckily you aren’t married so boot them all out pronto.

Damn didn’t mean to quote the OP.

It looks like he saw you coming!

You need to prioritise your life with your child. He really is taking the piss.

I think about them. I don’t think about you

WTF!

He can spend all the time he likes thinking about them in his new rented house with them. Get them out now.

Seriously, OP-what are you doing with this piece of work!?

Did he want another child?

How the hell did you end up in a relationship with him let alone moving in together?

He doesn’t see you as a partner, he is telling you that you aren’t a priority, if the SK didn’t exist he would still be a bastard to you.

I get that your DC come first (even when adults for some), but if that’s the case you simply don’t have more kids. He sounds truly horrible.

He says that for 20 years he has focused on them and can't believe I'm over resting over left overs. He doesn't see the bigger picture that he decided the left overs were for his family of 3 and didn't even consider me in that equation.

@manifestingit thats pretty bad as an answer
1- he is invalidating you - you being upset, your experience is just wrong (but his us right ofc)
2- he is blaming you (you’re creating a problem when there isn’t any)
3- deflecting - let’s not talk about the fact he basically isn’t thinking about you being a full member of the family, let’s concentrate on the fact your reaction was ‘wrong’
4- minimising ‘it’s just leftover’

I mean he managed to pack quite a few (unsavoury) communication techniques in there, you have to give him that.

He had a council house which he gave up to move in with me.
That was a pretty bad move on his side…..

This is definitely a DP issue, not step kids. It’s down to DP to step up or ship out. Don’t be afraid to have this conversation or doubt yourself.

All healthy relationships need a partner to consider the other person. He doesn’t in so many ways. He should be helping you more with baby, ensuring you have good food and time to rest and ensuring you have peace and a degree of privacy in your own home. Non negotiable and not asking too much - bare minimum.

If it was me I’d lay it on the line and tell him to either improve or leave pronto for a trial separation as you refuse to live like this.

I am in a blended family, know lots of blended families and they are all different. But the adults in the primary relationship need to work together as a partnership and respect each other and agree roles and boundaries or it breaks down.

Asking for the adult children to stop having bf/gf sleeping over is absolutely fine to do. I know some couples who do not allow sleep overs full stop - they say well the adults can do that when they get their own place. Others don’t mind it and allow it. But the fact you have a baby means you and baby should come first and if you don’t want it you are totally entitled to ask for a temporary stop or reduction in sleep overs and your DP should listen and respect that.

Don’t worry about keeping family together for your child as honestly it won’t be worth you being stressed and taken advantage of by an unsupportive man. He does sound like he will coparent ok too so take that worry out of your mind and just focus on now.

Work out what you need from him right now and ask him to work with you to improve this relationship and respect your views. If he won’t I’d tell him to leave for a trial separation.

ps no nice man would take the last left over for themselves. He would have given it to you and children and bought his own lunch. And to say to you he doesn’t have to think about you is horrible.

1000% this. They are all absolutely taking the piss.

There is nothing to keep together for your little girl. This is not a goid person, oartner, or father for her. This man is a terrible father and partner—not even deserving of the name. He will never prioritize this new child and he is astonishingly indifferent to you. And its not like he doesn’t know what post partum and new babies are like—he’s a third time offender as a fagher so he should know. If he made mistakes first time around—or failed to care appropriately for his first partner—he should maybe have figured it out this time around.

he's a shithead

Time to stop thinking about him and his children. It sounds like a total nightmare. I wouldn't be entertaining this bullshit anymore. They are either grown up (do fair share of chores / pay their way) or they aren't. They can't have it both ways and he was silly to start it being that way

The idea that we’d be hosting my stepchildren on an every other weekend schedule until they’re in their 20s is utterly lunacy to me, let alone boyfriends or girlfriends too. It’s one of very few scenarios where I think “actually, no, I wouldn’t treat them as my own.”

My SC used to stay with us one night a week and their Dad visited them at their mum's two nights a week as well, but the kids put a stop to that when the youngest was 15 because they had other fish to fry in the evenings. There were meetings and visits at a time that suited everyone after that, and staying over was rare.
I would think that most young people would want a full time home in their late teens and to visit the other parent rather than staying half and half with each, but I guess some get used to the arrangement and enjoy it.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have read them all and appreciate them. We had it out when it came home and in anger he told me to stick my relationship up my arse. I told him to pack up and leave then. He is now back tracking saying he said it in anger and didn't mean it. I've lost respect for him and can't see it being recovered.

He keeps saying I'm blowing small things out of proportion and want to control everything to the point he can't parent. I want some house rules, hardly a huge ask.

He fails to see the underlying issue is the same, just a different situation and straw that broke the camels back.

I have no doubt he will tell people we ended because of left overs but I'm over it now

Well done! Is he packing or are you going to have a problem getting rid of him?

Good riddance

Well done for standing your ground OP. Sometimes its really helpful to get a selection of views on a situation, even if we are all strangers !

Good for you Op! Can't get over his kids pay nothing!

It's your house, your rules and I wish you and your daughter happiness and freedom in your home! It will be such a relief!

💪