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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Territorial step children

61 replies

Mindfulgal · 27/02/2025 20:47

Really stuck on how to navigate this. I have two children and my fiance has two children. We have been together for a long time since the children were all very young and all have a great relationship. My children don’t have a relationship with their father and see my fiance as a father figure. There have been times where my children have spoke about my fiance as their step-dad or dad and his children have been really upset about it. They don’t want to share their father and are really territorial about it which is completely understandable but I’m not sure how to keep all children happy and not have any of them upset. There’s a back story as to why my children don’t see their father and they are heartbroken about it so I think them wanting to call my fiance dad is a lot to do with feeling rejected by their own father. It’s really hard to see my children upset and they are too young to understand why things are the way that they are.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 27/02/2025 20:48

So how old are these children?

Original poster
Mindfulgal · 27/02/2025 20:49

The children are 8 & 5.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 27/02/2025 20:50

How much time do your husband's children stay with him?

HaddyAbrams · 27/02/2025 20:52

lunar1 · 27/02/2025 20:50

How much time do your husband's children stay with him?

Was going to ask the same. My DC really struggled with their Dad having SDC, as they only saw him 1 day per week (if that) and the SDC saw him everyday. They felt rejected and replaced. There was far more to it though

SemperIdem · 27/02/2025 20:52

What does your fiancé think about how best to navigate this?

Original poster
Mindfulgal · 27/02/2025 20:52

Around 3 days/nights a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mindfulgal · 27/02/2025 20:56

I understand there is bound to be resentment of my children possibly due to them being here 24/7 and his children not but they are here 3 days/nights minimum, my OH does all their clubs and school runs and we all live close together with their other parent etc so he sees them almost everyday and speaks to them everyday.

He is also struggling with how to navigate it, we are on the same page. Don't want to upset his children and make them feel rejected or replaced in any kind of way but equally given how my children feel and have been through want to be a strong father figure for them and give them the support and love too.

OP posts:
BattIestar · 27/02/2025 20:58

I think his children must come first here. Sorry.

SemperIdem · 27/02/2025 20:59

How old are his children?

I don’t think it is fair to allow your children to call him dad, if it is upsetting his children a great deal. But being clear on the fact he is your children’s stepdad and has a role in their lives too is I think, both fair and realistic.

festivemouse · 27/02/2025 21:02

Honestly that's so hard for his children - he lives with people that aren't them full time and they see these others calling him dad? That's going to be really tough to work around. Can your children call him something else? Selfishly he needs to prioritise his children, it's lovely he doesn't want to reject yours but this could be the start of a huge rift with his actual children.

Original poster
Mindfulgal · 27/02/2025 21:03

His children are the same ages as mine. They don't want to call him dad per say, I've always been clear on that with them at such a young age, they call him by his name it's more when someone says who's this for example or if they are explaining who he is, the label 'stepdad' is even a problem. I know when they are older and unable to under stand each others pov a bit better it be clearer but at the moment there's a struggle.

OP posts:
Supersimkin7 · 27/02/2025 21:05

There’s nothing to navigate - Fiancé will be their stepdad.

You can’t own other humans or their relationships. Young kids should know that (hint: they do).

Pigeonproblems · 27/02/2025 21:06

They're not coping so you need to step back and unblend. Move out. See each other when DC are with their Mum.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2025 21:07

He isn’t your DC’s dad and it’s wrong and confusing for everyone for them to call him that. I don’t think either of you should have let that become a thing. They should call him by his name or come up with a dad type title for him.

It’s very sad they don’t see their own father but that doesn’t and won’t ever make your partner their dad unless he adopts them.

Calling his kids territorial for disliking other people calling their dad dad is really unfair. Both sets of kids have experienced family break down, one set doesn’t trump the other. Yours get to live with him full time, it’s rubbing salt in the wound to let your kids pretend he’s their actual dad.

Original poster
Mindfulgal · 27/02/2025 21:08

Thanks for your advice everyone, really appreciate it x

OP posts:
ChonkyRabbit · 27/02/2025 21:09

This is incredibly unfair on his children. You should live apart.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2025 21:10

X post on the dad thing.

With 5 year olds you can’t have been together that long. How long have you lived together?

Sunnydays25 · 27/02/2025 21:36

I think he needs to explain to his kids that he is, or is going to be, stepdad to your kids. I'm all for centering children's needs, but your relationship is a fact, they're not going to get to live with their dad fulltime unless their parents were to get back together.

I do think that your kids shouldn't call him Dad, no good ideas of alternatives other than a special nickname no one else uses for him eg Johnnie if he's John to everyone else.

It's really hard for his kids, but it's their life, they need help in managing their feelings, and it's up to him to make them feel very secure.

crashbandicooty · 27/02/2025 22:00

I get the not calling him dad, but children shouldn't be dictating whether there should be a step dad relationship. He is their stepdad, everyone can't just pretend he isn't.

steelingmyself · 27/02/2025 22:43

Wow, I'm surprised at the responses so far.

Sounds like life has been complicated for all of the children involved.

Ultimately, and this is a very difficult lesson for your SC to learn so young, but I think it does come down to what your children, and your partner are comfortable with. As a PP said, we don't own other people's relationships. What does your partner think?

waterrat · 27/02/2025 23:52

Do his children have a space to talk about their feelings ? This is a huge thing fir them to cope with. Are they allowed to express how they feel?

Could they have some sort of counselling or family therapy? I think these sort if early life experiences can shape children for life ..I would tread very carefully here to make sure they are able to open up if they are funding thus hard.

Basically two direct replacements for them now getting their dad full time

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 00:41

steelingmyself · 27/02/2025 22:43

Wow, I'm surprised at the responses so far.

Sounds like life has been complicated for all of the children involved.

Ultimately, and this is a very difficult lesson for your SC to learn so young, but I think it does come down to what your children, and your partner are comfortable with. As a PP said, we don't own other people's relationships. What does your partner think?

Completely disagree. The children of the father have the total say here. The OP's kids are the ones to learn that difficult lesson.

AdmiralAardvark · 28/02/2025 01:12

BattIestar · 28/02/2025 00:41

Completely disagree. The children of the father have the total say here. The OP's kids are the ones to learn that difficult lesson.

Show quote history

That’s ridiculous.

OP, you’ll get very little useful advice here but all the children are important, as you know. It’s not your kids’ fault that their step siblings’ parents broke up. He is their stepdad. Ensure SC and their dad they get time without you and your kids but don’t pander to them dictating other relationships. Your partner needs to lead this, not you.

Herewegoagainz · 28/02/2025 01:22

Living apart will fix this. Let him see his kids separately from you. If he loses his relationship with his kids because your kids are in the picture he will end up resenting your children.

paranoiaofpufflings · 28/02/2025 01:39

"We have been together for a long time since the children were all very young"

But then
"The children are 8 & 5."

So you can't have been together that long then, it can only be a few years if the youngest is only 5.
In those few years you've got into a relationship, got engaged, moved in together, meaning these very young children have had to cope with a lot of change in a relatively short time.

It might be helping your own children to call your fiance dad to cope with not having a relationship with their own father, but it's hurting his children.

Your fiance needs to put his children first. Cool things off, live separately, establish a stronger parental relationship between him and his children before blending with yours.