Territorial step children

[Mindfulgal]

Really stuck on how to navigate this. I have two children and my fiance has two children. We have been together for a long time since the children were all very young and all have a great relationship. My children don’t have a relationship with their father and see my fiance as a father figure. There have been times where my children have spoke about my fiance as their step-dad or dad and his children have been really upset about it. They don’t want to share their father and are really territorial about it which is completely understandable but I’m not sure how to keep all children happy and not have any of them upset. There’s a back story as to why my children don’t see their father and they are heartbroken about it so I think them wanting to call my fiance dad is a lot to do with feeling rejected by their own father. It’s really hard to see my children upset and they are too young to understand why things are the way that they are.

Absolutely this.

You can blend your families, but you need to start over with the kids.

You might see this as his kids being territorial, but he may see it as your kids over stepping.

Your kids are the ones that will lose out when your fiancé steps back from them to protect his relationship with his children. So it’s in everyone’s best interest to fix this now.

I think in this case, if it was making the children feel this way, then I would split and possibly continue the relationship from two separate households. The children must come first.

The problem you have is if you listen to the advice on here and split your living arrangements then where does it end? Once you've backed down once and the kids have had their own way it sets the bar for everything else, the teenage years are going to be tough if the kids are calling the shots.

I'm not saying you should dismiss their feelings but I don't know if you should give them total control either. I don't know what the answer is but I think you'd regret following the advice on here in the future. The problem needs to be addressed not packed away somewhere else.

Although I understand why this is so hard on his bio children, I don't understand why people would advise the OP should uproot her DC's and move out just because her DC call him their stepdad-which he is? To me there is nothing to do except be a supportive step-mum when all the children are together.

Does he ever take his own children out on his own, or do you do everything as a family?

I appreciate you want your children to have a father figure, his own children must feel as though they have been replaced if he now lives with your family unit.

I think it's important that he spends time as a bio family unit.

Because it is likely to get worse for everyone rather than better. Once the DCs all hit the teens, there will likely be more clashes. Possible bullying or violence. And then what for OP? Her DC grow to hate her for putting them in this situation, the same as her partners DC grow to hate him. And then he could still choose to leave her. Then who is OP left with? Or don't force the DC to live together and everyone can get through it.

I agree with this. The children definitely need some quality time with their dad on their own.

What? Why? No one should come before anyone in a household.

Until you get married, he is " Dave, mum's boyfriend/partner/fiance."
Once you get married, he will be "Dave, my step father"or "Dave, mum's husband."
If the SC find it hard, "Dave, mums partner" would be the descriptor that is least contentious.

@Mindfulgal the only way you can work in this is accepting there is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings and given the ages this is a lot for all 4 to accept

his children need to be his priority whilst making sure he has a strong role in your children’s life and it is that balance you need to work towards

and I think to do so you do for now need to ring fence time with their father by themselves

Come first in regards to their father. OP's kids come first to her.
It must be horrendous to have a father spend more time with someone else's kids, have him treat them better than he does his own bio children, act more like a father.

I don’t agree you need to live apart, I’m not sure why people are jumping to that. You don’t. But you haven’t been together that long despite saying you have, all of the children have been through upheaval and it’s just never a good idea to enable confusion or upset by calling people mum or dad who aren’t.

I disagree with those who are saying that you should leave or that the dad's children should take priority. The best thing for kids is a strong family whose foundation is a strong adult partnership. 5 and 8 year olds do not have the wisdom to see the long-term benefits of a cohesive family. They do, however, have the right to feel however they feel, and should be allowed to express them and work through them. If you were to break up, would the children be given the power to decide the fate of his next partnership? I think what is better is if they learn to work through hard feelings and come out of the other side stronger for it.

Why dont you talk to your kids about calling him something else - like Pa, Pops rather than the more emotive Dad.

His children are 'territorial' because their dad lives full time with your children and they now think he's their dad? Come on. Nobody is this blinkered. Those poor children. They don't care that your kids' dad is a shitbag, they see their own dad's love being divided. I have an 8 and a 5 year old and this would devastate them. Seriously, can you not even try to see it from their point of view?

@Mindfulgal

You haven't responded to the question about how much time your partners children get with him alone. Are you/your children always around? It would be good for them to have time with him alone.

”Territorial” is a cruel way to describe these young kids’ behaviour, whether anyone thinks it is accurate or not. They aren’t sewer rats guarding a piece of rotting food, FFS. They are children, who have realized that their role in their dads life isn’t (at least in the external world of names and words and appearances) after all, unique, special or protected. Any kid who is moved into their home can make the same claim on him as they have. If you want to stop their “territorial” behavior, make sure that your step kids have plenty of 1:1 time with their dad, and that some areas or aspects that they share with him remain private and unique. I know that’s hard advice to hear when you want your children to have an equal helping of the love and stability on offer. You will have to accept that your step kids and your kids have different emotional needs here, and are coming with different perspectives, as they relate to your husband.

I think this is a zombie thread and it doesn't look like ops coming back. Which is a shame tbh but I can understand why.

The battshittery of people suggesting op move out because her kids are referring to the step dad as a step dad.

I think in life there is always a stage where kids may have big emotions but we as adults aren't supposed to jump in and go right this needs fixing asap and have a big emotional response. It's a sad situation for the kids, both sets for different reasons but ultimately those reasons happened because of the adults and there isn't anything that will change that (unless both op and her dh get back together with their former partners)

Dad in this scenario has them nearly 50/50. It does suck that their parents split up and that's their living arrangements but that decision was made by two consenting adults (mum and dad)

,Life isn't fair, and by pretending to kids it is your setting them up for failure because if they go into the world thinking oh the world must move because I'm upset.. they are gonna have a shock when they are older.

Op this isn't one you can solve and ultimately it's down to dad to reassure his kids and spend one on one time with them.

This is a situation of not fixing but letting the emotions be h Th e emotions of both sets of kids and helping them process them in a safe space without doing something bonkers like young children dictating adult relationships.

If you had split up with your children's dad because of dv and the kids were sad they didn't get to see daddy. No one would be like Well the kids need you to move back in with dad and out the kids emotions first fuck your own:

Jesus MN really hates blended families or maybe just breed dysfunction idk

What a load of self serving bollocks.

@LittleSeasideCottage. Only my opinion as a mum (of a child who has a sm and dad) and the adult child of a blended family but 🤣 okie dokie your entitled to your opinion 😂

Yep, SM here for over 20 years with 2 grown DSDs and a long serving step child, with SM and Stepdad.

You are still talking self serving bollocks.

This little nugget was particularly vile:

'Life isn't fair, and by pretending to kids it is your setting them up for failure because if they go into the world thinking oh the world must move because I'm upset.. they are gonna have a shock when they are older'.

@LittleSeasideCottage I have no idea what's rattled your cage but as I said you're entitled to your opinion 😂 but if you're going to keep repeating yourself with no further explanation I'm gonna leave you to your ranting.

Have a lovely evening 🥰

Rattled my cage, you're a comedian 🤣😂

You do you though.

Why should they come above OP's children? Why is it always a competition of who comes first on the step family threads?

Oh you edited and added what rattled your cage so I will bite.

Life isn't fair. That's a fact. Ops DSC/ and ops children's - parents aren't together that is also a fact. That may seem unfair to the DSC/ops kids in comparison to other kids family set ups.

The kids being upset about either won't change the facts as above. And that's what the kids ultimately want. Their parents back together - and that will be unfair to them.
But children don't make to get adult choices because even mum and dad may not have a choice in getting back together

I'm not nor have I implied to ignore their feelings - in my actual post I said quite the opposite actually. But what I am saying is the role of a parent isn't to fix every negative emotion your kid has, but to help them process guide them through it. In this situation it can't be fixed because the parents will not get back together.

I don't know what's vile about that but as I said - you're entitled to your opinion as am I .It's clear you're hurting but I personally dont think this conversation is constructive or even very thought provoking tbh but as the kids would say you do you boo.