Wife siding with kids when they are wrong

[Derbydel]

Whenever me and my step kids have an argument my wife will always side with them even if she knows I’m in the right. If I’m in the right it normally ends up with my wife basically telling me off and saying how we’ve spoke about my attitude and how I should just let things go etc, if I’m in the wrong I normally end up sleeping in another room.
At the weekend I had an argument with my step son about something that shouldn’t of even been an argument but I knew I was right and I’m 99% certain my wife knew I was right but he starts calling me a liar and swearing which made the situation worse.
This has been going on for years and I feel like the kids know that my wife will always side with them regardless and they find it hilarious that she will basically start telling me off which she will then be in a mood with me for ages and causes bigger problems for us.

I appreciate I could probably walk away from the situation but at the same time if I know I’m right and being called a liar I have the right to stand my ground and defend my point.

What happened?

How old are the kids ?

I should just let things go etc, if I’m in the wrong

Well should you? What are they wrong about? Does it matter? How old are they? Is this a stepchild/parenting issue or a having to be right and have everyone else acknowledge that you are right issue?

Why are you arguing with children?

I think we need more specific information on what you’re’right’ about. I don’t find that particularly helpful language, sometimes things aren’t that black and white. In my house dp knows his role and it isn’t to be ‘right’ or tell my children off. He has a ‘fun uncle’ role and he doesn’t discipline or tell the children off. Having said that I can be firm and would not tolerate my children being rude or disrespectful to him (not that they ever are.)

How are you standing your ground and defending your point? Is it a ground you need to stand?

Tbh no one should be swearing and calling each other liars, but depending on the situation there's probably no need to be having an argument about things?

Perhaps your wife feels the need to defend her children against you.

Hmm, I wonder why your wife has felt the need to speak to you about "your attitude" and whether this might have anything to do with her choosing to defend her kids?

I would add, walking away sounds like it might be a good plan. For all concerned.

What kind of things are you arguing with children about?

Why are you arguing with children? Your wife tells you off because I imagine you she feels like she has another child she has to parent!

Why is their mother allowing a man to live in their home and fight with her kids? That's not in their best interests whatsoever.

It depends on how old they are and how important the matter is to the people involved.
In general terms even if you are right it can be a hollow ‘victory’ over young children.

Walk away.

For your sake, plus for the sake of your wife and the step children.

They are 16,18

So tell us more about these arguments.

Men/boyfriends/husbands/fiances/partners /lovers/dates come and go.

Kids are forever

Does it particularly matter what topics are fought about?
These kids childhoods have been ruined by two adults who chose to put their relationship above the kids right to a peaceful, happy home.
Their mother should have ended the relationship at the first sign of an adult man fighting her kids.

Arguments with teenagers are seldom about ‘being right’.

It all sounds terribly agressive, shouting and accusations and standing your ground. I’ve found with my dc it’s best when they go off on one, frequently my 12yo is going through an arsey phase, I confiscate phone and will talk to them when they have calmed down. Normally strops off for ten minutes and then comes and has a chat.

By the point that you are shouting nothing is ever going to be resolved.

Sometimes there are more important things than being right. It very much depends on what you are arguing about.

Eg. Fact vs opinion- eg sometimes we argue our point of view is right when actually it's just our opinion.

Eg how do you stack a dishwasher, are GCSE's important, how much spending money should a teenager get. These can all be a matter of opinion and some are more worth arguing over than others. I suggest you pick your battles and err on the side of caution even then as you are not their father.

Teenagers all need to learn some lessons the hard way. A recent one with my 17 year was his opinion that you can pass a driving theory test on common sense alone. Obviously you can't and this 'opinion' cost him £46 in 2 retest fees before he decided to put effort in to learn the facts. Maybe next time he will listen.

What are you 'right' about?

How long have you been in their lives? For whatever reason she doesn't trust you to have their back emotionally, so she feels she has to back them up.

Either that, or your arguments are point-scoring and unnecessary.

They are your step kids and you are in some kind of strop becuase you are "right" and they and her are wrong? Yuck, you don't sound great.

What exactly are you "right" about anyway? And how are you "arguing" with your stepson? As a rule, unless you've been acting as a father figure to him for most of his life, I am struggling to see how an argument between teh two of you is appropraite at all.

I respect a woman that picks her kids over her man in an argument. They are teenagers; you are the adult. You shouldn’t be getting into conflict with them all the time. You need to talk to her about it when you are both calm and discuss what needs to change. But ultimately the kids know she will pick them over you if push comes to shove and that’s the better way round. They will remember her choice their whole lives.

I leave parenting teenage DSD to her father. Unless it’s something that directly negatively affects me or my DC and DH isn’t there, I’m leaving them to it.
No good can come of getting too involved in discipline, contrary to what the “like your own” crowd would have you believe.
Is whatever is is they are doing a deal breaker or something you can just drop the rope of and let them get in with it?