Wife siding with kids when they are wrong

[Derbydel]

Whenever me and my step kids have an argument my wife will always side with them even if she knows I’m in the right. If I’m in the right it normally ends up with my wife basically telling me off and saying how we’ve spoke about my attitude and how I should just let things go etc, if I’m in the wrong I normally end up sleeping in another room.
At the weekend I had an argument with my step son about something that shouldn’t of even been an argument but I knew I was right and I’m 99% certain my wife knew I was right but he starts calling me a liar and swearing which made the situation worse.
This has been going on for years and I feel like the kids know that my wife will always side with them regardless and they find it hilarious that she will basically start telling me off which she will then be in a mood with me for ages and causes bigger problems for us.

I appreciate I could probably walk away from the situation but at the same time if I know I’m right and being called a liar I have the right to stand my ground and defend my point.

You really shouldn't argue with kids.

Just walk away. Disengage with parenting the step kids and leave it up to mum as it sounds like that's what she and the kids want?

What sort of things are you arguing about where you think you 'know you are right'?

You can 'know you are right' when something is a hard fact, eg 'it is raining outside today' or 'two plus two equals four'. You cannot 'know you are right' when something is a matter of opinion, eg 'Children should keep their rooms tidy' or 'It is stupid to pay £200 for a pair of trainers'.

Why are you arguing with teenagers in the first place?

I think we need to drill down on the nuts and bolts of these arguments before anyone can say if you're being unreasonable or not. It very much depends on the context of the arguments and whether you're one of these men who consider that just because you're A) an adult and B) 'the man of the house' that you are automatically right, or whether you're the type of step parent who is fair and considerate and the teens have just been obnoxious (as they are, on occasion).

Context is key here.

You think too much.....

First of all they are not kids they are young adults.
If she wants to side with them let her deal with it not your fault then is it.

As a step parent I learnt early on to choose the hills you die on. The vast majority of teenagers are arrogant little beasts who think their parents know nothing. I let 99% of that slide because otherwise I’d lose my mind. Sounds like you need to do similar.

It seems very important to you to be right @Derbydel . You don't pick arguments with your kids to prove a point, it is no way to live. Regardless of whether you are 'right' if you're being an arse, your wife is correct to back her kids.

So out of all the relevant questions you've been asked, this is the only one that you feel merits an answer. Are we to see this as showing how seriously you're taking the advice and are chewing it over thoughtfully before replying?

If I’m wrong I’ll hold my hands up and say sorry and it’s nothing to do with being the man of the house or being an adult.
As a parent and step parent I think I’m very fair and honest and I have a great relationship with the kids and my wife but sometimes we have disagreements which is normal in every house.

My wife and I had arranged a surprise for the kids but they didn’t know when it was happening, the eldest then asked about when which I wouldn’t confirm. over the weekend he’s told my wife that I had told him the date (which I didn’t) and then he’s said infront of everyone this is happening on x date and said I told him, it started as well I didn’t say that then he’s started calling me a liar and telling me to F off and throwing things and having a massive strop.
Because of it being a surprise I know I mentioned no date and it should never have led to an argument but once he’s started calling me a liar and to F off and acting the way he was that’s what’s caused it.

even if she knows I’m in the right. I

maybe she doesn’t “know” you are “right “

What you have described is a teenager having a strop. How did you respond to make it an argument? And why did you not just correct him and move on?

Poor kids, having a stepdad in their home
who argues with them, and it’s been going on for “years”.

They are children (or were until recently when eldest turned 18). You roll your eyes and let it slide. Frankly, rising to arguments with children/teenagers and letting it bother you so much is pathetic. I feel quite sad for them living in that dynamic.

All this arguing and stropping sounds very dysfunctional. I lived with my DSS for several years and literally never argued with him. Good on your wife for having her kids' backs.

Even when they are wrong?

“Wrong” according to the step dad, the Op

Why did the son "ask about when" if they knew nothing about it?

Out of interest, was he wrong about the date?

I think the issue here is not who is right and who is wrong but how the disagreement is handled. You cannot always be absolutely in the right if you respond in a way that causes things to escalate into arguments and swearing. Sometimes you have to let things slide with teenagers rather than laying down the law. Your wife is probably objecting to how you are handling the conflict. I wouldn't back my husband up for this behavior either (not a step parent though).

OP, I think you're getting a hard time hear that you don't deserve. Welcome to Mumsnet where stepkids can do no wrong and the step-parent is always the bad one.

First of all, we're not talking about 5 year olds here, we're talking about a 16 and 18 year old. If they're making you out to be a liar and telling you to fuck off you have every right to stand up for yourself.

I have 3 teenage SSs, 17 and 18, and I know my DH would always have my back if they were making up lies about me. If they told me to fuck off they'd be out the door. Thankfully they'd never behave in such a manner because they've been raised to have more respect than that. If I said one thing and my SS said another I know 100% my DH would believe me because he knows I don't lie whereas my SS has been caught out in a few lies before.

It sounds like no one has any respect for you in your own home including your wife. I think you need to have a long talk with your wife about how you're feeling and perhaps suggest couples therapy.

Confirming that one of the things I've learnt from mumsnet is that surprises (AKA secrets) are a source of much aggravation, misunderstandings and falling out for precious little benefit.

We don't know what the background is, why they are not with their father, why that relationship ended, what your part might have been etc. There may be something in play underneath there.

Learn about what's really going on in their minds and their lives. Collaborative, not combative.

Their mother's instinct is to side with them, to protect, defend, support them even if they are 'wrong'. This is natural, it's not universal for all mothers, it can store up problems and it can help them feel someone's got their back = it's complicated.

Learn that she has things in her life that don't centre you.

They are very young still and their brains won't be fully adult for some years. They're learning how to do it.

You on the other hand are an adult who has wisdom and knowledge about how to deal with stressful and challenging situations. It's just that you don't seem to be using it.

Learn about the challenges of parenting mid/late teen boys, and regulating yourself in the process. It's a learned skill not a natural talent.

Imagine siding with someone who tells your spouse to fuck off. Kids or not, if anyone told my husband to fuck off they themselves can fuck right off. I cut off a friend once who got drunk and started shouting abuse my my husband. Absolutely not.

Husband and wife are supposed to be a team.

The 18 year old is being a hormonal argumentative teenage arse, and picking fights with the older bloke in the house. That’s normal, it’s part of separating from
the childhood dynamic. It’s also a pain in the arse.

You’re responding in kind and what could be diffused or shrugged off escalates to an argument and his swearing.

If you don’t rise to the goady crap teens dish out there is no arguing. You’re the grown up; act like it.

For the posters saying shouting swearing and throwing stuff is normal 18 yr old behaviour. , must be having laugh?
Will it be normal when he's doing to his wife at 28?
18 is old enough to know this isn't approach behaviour.
Usual MN blinkers, if a woman posted her DS18 was doing this to her she'd be told to throw him out.