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Original poster

Teen sharing bed with mum?

75 replies

ketch12 · 18/02/2025 20:27

Myself and DH have just discovered that his daughter and Mum (DH's ex) still bedshare. She is 14. They have a one-bed maisonette, so there is a living area that could double up as a sleeping space. It is just the two of them.

My thinking is the Mum needs to set up her sleeping space in the lounge surely, daughter needs space at this age! When she mentions it to us she seems v embarrassed. She can never have friends over. It's not even like they share the room in separate beds, they are in a double together.
I don't want to sound snobby - I just think a teenager needs some space surely? Is there anything we can do to support this? When daughter stays with us she has her own room. We wouldn't live in a property without space for her!
Is this more normal than I think it is? Totally understand lack of bedrooms is tricky, does anyone have this issue and sleep in the lounge? Would like to know how normal/unusual this is. TIA.

OP posts:
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Original poster
ketch12 · 18/02/2025 20:40

Anyone?

OP posts:
Puttingoutfireswithgasoline · 18/02/2025 20:43

I don’t think it’s common to always share at that age but equally I wouldn’t find it that odd a 14 year old jumping in with their Mum.

I imagine it probably comes down to affordability for the Mum?

Puttingoutfireswithgasoline · 18/02/2025 20:44

Just to add I’m not sure the lounge would give more privacy really unless the only bedroom was for the daughter. Not an easy way for the Mum to live.

dontcryformeargentina · 18/02/2025 20:44

It's fine. Focus on yourself. No need to create a drama triangle here.

MixedBananas · 18/02/2025 20:44

If that is her finances then leave her be.

In many cultures teens room share with adult family members and other siblings. Disposable income made "own rooms" a thing. But people survived and flourished before this now one died from it.
The same bed ia not ok. They should have 2 sperate beds. That is not to expensive these days.
Mum shouldn't be the one to sleep in the lounge, from my own culture that is disrespectful to elders. Adults need privacy. Children do not. Parents need their own private space to be adults. Why does a 14 year old need privacy????

SuperGinger · 18/02/2025 20:46

My DS 13 sometimes asks me to give him a cuddle and we both fall asleep, but it isn't often. He has his own room and bed, and if I wake up I tend to go back to my own bedroom. However, it's a choice and happens occasionally which is different.

Original poster
ketch12 · 18/02/2025 20:51

Thanks all. I am not trying to shame, I would like to help if it's financial but I don't think it is (the daughter comes to us every fortnight in costly new trainers, coats, bags). I would hope that some of that money might go towards two single beds?

Definitely not trying to stir, just wanting to know what is normal. The daughter doesn't have the option of another bed. It's not sharing by choice occasionally which I would understand.

I would argue a teen does need some privacy as they navigate puberty etc, I would guarantee most of her peers get their own beds and space.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/02/2025 20:52

Sounds like its out of necessity.

What do you want to achieve here?

I think twin beds would be better, but i think worldwide, bed sharing and room sharing is not that unusual.

I think this is none of your business

Original poster
ketch12 · 18/02/2025 20:59

Thanks Branleuse. If the situation is causing her distress and discomfort then I would argue that it is her dad's (DH) business. Hence my asking on here for thoughts anonymously rather than going around to mums house and sticking my nose in directly. I think this option is the less intrusive no?
Understand the cultural/worldwide preferences. We are in UK. At an age where daughters entire life is scrutinised by her peers (and I know how this works, I work in secondary education) I would hope that Mum may consider her living/sleeping arrangements to match the 'norm' as much as possible. It would be lovely for daughter to have friends over, I know she is keen for this and has that option at ours at the moment. She doesn't at Mums as there is zero privacy.

OP posts:
CaseySeriously · 18/02/2025 21:06

If this was a dad sharing a bed with a teen this place would be in uproar.

Of course it’s weird OP. Poor SD. But at 14 she can vote with her feet so just let her know she’s always welcome to spend more time at yours.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/02/2025 21:09

Could you suggest buying her her own bed for at her mums- so one room with 2 beds in it

Diningtableornot · 18/02/2025 21:09

If the family qualified for housing benefit or council housing, they would be allowed two rooms, and it's true that a room each is the norm in this country, though not in every part of the world.

What does your DH think about it? It's his job to say something if his daughter is uncomfortable at home. Would moving to be a bigger place mean him paying more maintenance?
About one of them having the lounge: this can only work if they share the kitchen and have a room each. It isn't fair on either of them to have a bedroom which is also the communal space and the space that visitors come into. If the kitchen is big enough for a table and a couple of comfy chairs, this might be a solution.

Goldbar · 18/02/2025 21:29

Can the mum not afford a 2-bed? Why is that? Does she work and how much maintenance does your DP pay?

2 single beds sounds like a good idea but it depends how big the bedroom is - if it's small, they might take up more space.

The mum sleeping in the living space is hardly ideal either and would also get in the way of having friends home.

We live in an area where it's not uncommon for families of six to be crammed into a 2-bed flat and "emergency" accommodation for families is a cramped B&B room for the whole family without cooking facilities or often even a private bathroom. Or the whole family are threatened with relocation 300 miles away and going to the bottom of the housing list if they refuse.

The truth is that there are a lot of working people who live in suboptimal living conditions because that's all they can afford. And contrary to what some people think, there isn't any real help available.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 18/02/2025 21:33

Why isn't she living with her dad?

Coffeesnob11 · 18/02/2025 21:51

There are studies that show children who don't have their own bed don't do as well. I wouldn't be looking to criticise her but treating her with compassion. The COL crisis is pushing a lot of people to do things they wouldn't normally. www.barnardos.org.uk/blog/what-bed-poverty

rosyvalentine · 18/02/2025 21:52

I agree that 2 beds would be better than a double, but the main thrust of your argument seems to be that the mum should move her bed into the living room? Seriously, OP, would you be happy to make your living room your bedroom? What if the mum wants to go to bed earlier than her daughter? I'm assuming that they can't afford a larger property, hence the shared bedroom. Sometimes people have to make do with what they can afford and really, I don't think it's any of your business. Many teenagers share with siblings so why not with a same-sex parent? If your DH is unhappy with the current arrangements, let him fund a bigger home for them both.

Achyarms · 18/02/2025 21:54

When I was 14 whenever my stepdad went on world trips, I used to get in their bed and sleep with my mum. Best feeling ever

Fantina · 18/02/2025 22:01

My very settled and happy DD would sleep with me every night if I let her - she loves company and the feeling of having a ‘sleepover’ every night. So whilst she does have her own room and bed and mostly sleeps in there, I imagine more teens would choose this if society didn’t judge it.

As a former stepmother, I’d advise disengaging from this as it is her mum’s situation to navigate with her DD and they will not welcome your input.

stanleypops66 · 18/02/2025 22:24

My dd13 would happily share a bed with me every night. When dh is away we often have sleepovers.

IsaacHunt · 18/02/2025 22:34

CaseySeriously · 18/02/2025 21:06

If this was a dad sharing a bed with a teen this place would be in uproar.

Of course it’s weird OP. Poor SD. But at 14 she can vote with her feet so just let her know she’s always welcome to spend more time at yours.

Only if the dad was sharing with his daughter. I imagine there would be "uproar" if the mother was sharing with a son.

LondonFox · 18/02/2025 22:36

Just stay out of it.

Ofc a teen would like a big space where she can have a left wing for herself and friends.
In reality they are happy to sleep with a parent.
I slept with my mum on weekend afternoons untill I was like 20. We had beds but it was just a comfort thing.
Around about 25 I started to dislike it as she was snoring a lot and I needed some sleep.

Don't bother the woman.
If you and her ex are so worried, contribute to a bigger property for them 😏

Honeysuckle16 · 18/02/2025 23:25

I understand your concern - however this isn’t an issue you can get involved with. How your SD’s mum chooses to organise her house is a matter for her alone as long as there’s no neglect or abuse involved. Social workers assess parenting against a standard of ‘good enough’ and your description reaches that standard.

Yes, it would be good if other arrangements were made but this is the decision of the mum, no one else.

SnoopySantaPaws · 18/02/2025 23:38

One of my goddaughters lived in a huge house with multiple bedrooms just her and her mum. She had a beautiful room (with an ensuite) done out exactly how she wanted, but she chose to sleep with her mum every night

She had no contact with her dad who lived overseas

She started spending more nights in her own bed in her own bedroom when she was 15 nearly 16 as she wanted to be on her phone to friends 🤣

whenever I would stay because her mum was away for work, she would choose to stay in my bed. She just didn't like to sleep alone.

I guess the major difference here is there were plenty of bedrooms and communal spaces for friends to come over and obviously sleeping with her mum or I Was completely her choice, which it is for your DSD

However, the increase in rent between a one bedroom and a two bedroom is a lot more every month for her than designer trainers, clothes bags et cetera when her mum can afford them. You don't get to choose whether to pay your increased rent each month or not.

So unless you and DH are prepared to contribute more money so that she can pay for a higher rent, then I suggest you keep your beak out!!

MajorCarolDanvers · 19/02/2025 00:06

I really don’t see what the problem is if they are both happy.

Haggisfish3 · 19/02/2025 00:26

If the daughter is happy, what’s the issue? My dd shares a bed with me at fourteen. She has her own bed but prefers the comfort of another human.