Teen sharing bed with mum?

[ketch12]

Myself and DH have just discovered that his daughter and Mum (DH's ex) still bedshare. She is 14. They have a one-bed maisonette, so there is a living area that could double up as a sleeping space. It is just the two of them.

My thinking is the Mum needs to set up her sleeping space in the lounge surely, daughter needs space at this age! When she mentions it to us she seems v embarrassed. She can never have friends over. It's not even like they share the room in separate beds, they are in a double together.
I don't want to sound snobby - I just think a teenager needs some space surely? Is there anything we can do to support this? When daughter stays with us she has her own room. We wouldn't live in a property without space for her!
Is this more normal than I think it is? Totally understand lack of bedrooms is tricky, does anyone have this issue and sleep in the lounge? Would like to know how normal/unusual this is. TIA.

Not having her own space is a different issue. My dd has her own bedroom she can use for space. I would hope the bedroom is for the daughter and that the mum would use the lounge of the daughter wanted a sleepover with mates etc.

Oh I don’t find that ok at all. They need separate sleeping spaces. It’s fine if that’s a fold out bed in the living room or whatever. She also needs somewhere to study, doesn’t matter if it’s at the kitchen bench but somewhere where it can be quiet for a few hours.

I’m surprised so many find it ok. It’s surely extremely unusual? Coming into mum’s bed occasionally for a cuddle is not the same at all.

If it’s upsetting your DSD are you and your husband at all in a position to offer to buy them a sofa bed? I appreciate you may not be.

She should have her own single bed available to choose to sleep alone if she prefers

Does she have her own bedroom at your house?

The thing is with asking here, we don’t know the mum we don’t know her situation we don’t know her finances so we can’t really judge. It might be normal it might not be but if mum is doing her best with what she’s got, normal or not doesn’t matter.

Has the daughter said she is unhappy or
are you just assuming? It’s her mum, not ideal but I don’t see an issue with it, the reason she has her own room in your house is because her dad your DP has chosen to move in with someone else which I’m assuming mum hasn’t and is putting their daughter first. I think the main thing you could do is ask your DP how much he pays maintenance and maybe double it so they could afford somewhere better if you are so concerned. Your post comes across very judgey

Not having your own private space as a 14-year-old isn't ideal at all, but then again loads of teenagers have to share a bedroom with one or more siblings. It's not so very different sharing with your mum. A private bedroom all to yourself, whether or not you actually choose to sleep there, is something that I would have thought all parents would try to give to their child(ren). But it's so often not possible.

If SD's mum can only afford a one-bed property, then they share the bedroom. If the lounge is completely separate and could be turned into another bedroom, then maybe that'd be good. Especially if the kitchen is big enough to function as a shared living space (room for a table, etc). But again those are two big 'ifs'.

If SD is actually happy enough with her living arrangements at her mum's house, then nothing needs to be done at all. If she isn't, presumably at 14 she can voice her opinion and choose to spend more time at your house. Where she has the privacy of her own room and the benefits e.g. inviting friends round for sleepovers that come with that. I don't see how you can possibly get involved with your DH's ex-wife's living arrangements, unless you want to offer her £1000 per month to rent/buy a bigger property!

Unless your SD really doesn't want to share a bed with her mother (in which case she has the option of sleeping at your house much more) then I wouldn't worry about that. Far more teenage girls than you might think choose to share a bed with their mother. My 14-year-old DD has had her own bedroom since she was tiny, but she's hardly ever slept away from me. She just doesn't want to be alone at night. Lots of people, including fully grown adults, don't like to sleep alone! I think it's uncommon for teenage girls to want to sleep in the same room/bed as their father once puberty hits, same goes for boys who seem to naturally stop any cosleeping with either parent once puberty hits. But there's something different about girls and their mums. My DD would never shower or get fully undressed in front of me, and hasn't done since she started puberty. She wants privacy for that. But cuddling in bed is something she still isn't showing any real sign of growing out of!

Really, what matters here is what your SD actually wants and what she is comfortable with. She has options here, given there is a private bedroom available to her at her other parent's house.

Fascinating how different the responses would be if a 14 year old didn’t have their own space at their dads home.

No op - it isn’t appropriate, at all.

Thanks all. Very interesting to note the wide variations in opinions, I didn't expect it to be so split.

I will say it again - definitely not trying to rock the boat or 'stick my beak in', hence asking on here for thoughts. I know that without all details, people cannot give concise opinions, tricky on this platform. I can assure all that it is NOT a financial choice. There are many options to move, all of which haven't come to anything yet for no obvious reason. When daughter was younger, this was less of an issue, I think now she is at an age where it needs to be more considered.

I would say sharing with siblings is v different to a parent. At 14, children do need space. To chill on their phone usually!! But this isn't her choice, she is happy with her own space at ours, she actively spends more time than she needs to in there, I guess because it is a novelty! Which makes me sad for her. She has expressed discomfort about sharing with Mum. Which is why I have wanted to post.

DH pays above and beyond what he is expected to, has done for her whole life. We would happily have her for more of the week, I guess she has that as an option but I think she would be reluctant to do that for fear of 'rejecting' the other party. There is plenty of space in the lounge for a separated sleeping space - if it was me, I would be more than willing to set myself up there.

The point of my post was to gauge if the set up is 'normal'. I can see from the wide responses it isn't usual. Hopefully things can change soon, particularly with GCSE years started, and all the social aspects that come with upper years at school. It would be lovely for her to be able to share a space that is just her own with friends, I know that is what she wants as she expresses this to us often.

Thanks all!

She has expressed discomfort about sharing with Mum

Regardless of what we all think on here, her dad needs to speak to mum urgently about this.

Would she prefer to move in with you full time if she's feeling so uncomfortable about the sleeping arrangements at her mum's? Have you spoken to her about that?

If a 14 year old has expressed discomfort about their sleeping arrangements (with a genuine reason to feel discomfort, as opposed to "my pillows are not goose feather!) then my view would be that the parents should discuss it.

Is there a reason she doesn't feel able to raise it with her Mum?

Buying cheaper trainers isn't going to buy them a 2 bed anytime soon. I'd hazard a guess that single motherhood has been considerably tougher for his ex financially than for your dh.

your husband doesnt get to dictate his ex wifes home set up.
At 14, if she was keen to sleep elsewhere, then I think thats what they would be doing.
If your husband wants to insist his ex wife changes their home around, and maybe offer to help out with buying new beds, then thats up to him surely.

Are you hoping to have her move in with you?

I didn't say husband should dictate set up, at all. I asked if this was more common than I first thought. The answers on this thread I think confirm what I initially thought - no it's not common and not the ideal.

I have no desire for her to move in at all - our set up works fine as it is. I want her to be happy is all. At the moment, I worry that unless the set up is altered in some way, she will continue to feel increasingly more uncomfortable with it. Which obviously nobody wants.

I will say again, this is not to do with finances, this is out of the choice of Mum. There have been many options over the years to move which would have worked out for more space. Other things have been prioritised over more space. Which I completely understand. I know how life and money works. However I would consider a pair of single beds over a few pairs of new (v expensive!) trainers to add to the already slightly ridiculous collection more of a priority is all.

I really appreciate all the responses and we will consider carefully if there is anything we can do from our end to support daughter with this moving forward without sticking our noses in too much. We always want to keep things amicable and they mostly are, bar a few bickers. I'm not sure there is anything we can do about it though unfortunately.

It's unusual, no doubt, but I'd be guided by the child here, just because it's unusual, doesn't make it bad necessarily

My youngest (12) would absolutely sleep in my bed all the time if I let him (he's a quilt hog, and sleeps in the middle, so that's a no from me)

My 14 year old doesn't mind sharing with me (or his brother) on holiday, or if he's feeling ill, but also likes having his own space.

But the set up isn't working fine for your SD. If she asked to move in with you full time is that something you would be open to?

You can't really control what goes on at her mum's but she's should know that she has a home at yours should she want any that.

Oh yes, don't get me wrong, if she requested to live with us full time we would happily have her! I meant that we are not wanting things to change in terms of demanding she lives with us. I don't think she would - she is close to Mum and would feel that she is abandoning her. I totally understand that. It depends how much longer this set up goes on I suppose! There doesn't seem to be anything significant of change - I'm not sure I'd be keen at 17/18 with bringing first boyfriends home etc ...

If the situation continues at her mum's I very much doubt she'll bring any boyfriends home to her mum when she has no space of her own for privacy. I reckon she'll end up going to his or will bring him to yours.

Obviously I'm not suggesting you demand anything but I would have a conversation with and let her know that's she's always welcome to stay at yours and if she'd like to stay more often you'd be happy with that. Do you stay close enough to her school?

@Thatsenoughadulting thankyou. Yes school isn't too far luckily. I will ask DH to bring up the fact that our home is hers and she is always welcome whenever during conversation. I'm pretty sure she knows this already but nice to reiterate it.

It's a worry that time is going fast and she is maturing into a young adult. As a toddler or even up to 7-8-9 years old, this is very much a comfortable situation. At 14 (nearly 15 actually!) it just doesn't sit right, with her clearly, or with us.

Fingers crossed things can be altered soonest.

I am in the minority in thinking that the daughter should have her own bed. It is one thing her having a sleepover or if she herself was happy about it but the OP has said that she is embarrassed about it.
I think your husband should raise it and say about them having separate beds at least. If finances are an issue than the sleepovers with friends will have to stay to being at yours but I don't think it is unreasonable for her to have her own bed.

Yeah this. I read a thread not so long ago where a step-mum said that her DSD didn't have a bedroom at their house as she was only there once every fortnight and everyone was kicking off that she needed her own space!!!

I think you are right actually.

I have a friend who currently shares a bed with her 13 year old (friend's marriage is struggling) and I think that's somewhat unhealthy and have (politely and respectfully) told my friend so. (We are close enough friends to share frank opinions like that).

In my view, teens and tweens need their own private space for things like private phone calls, trying on clothes and make-up..... And, sorry to name what seems to be the elephant in the room - masturbation! I think it's vital for teens and tweens to be able to explore their bodies and their sexuality like this IF they choose to.

I think mom probably does need to set the living area up into a sleep space for her when daughter is there. At one point when I was looking for flats for DD and I, and struggling to find an affordable two bed in a decent area, I was looking a Maisonettes and considered this.....

But I prioritised finding a two bed for the reasons stated above, and even though the flat wasn't ideal in other ways (kitchen is part of the living room; no outdoor space,) - it really was my main non-negotiable.

I DO think that if at all possible your step daughter's mom ought to be looking for more suitable accommodation. (And I realise I don't know their finances or house prices in your area, etc - what I am suggesting may be impossible). And I am not prude - I will get changed in front of my daughter, talk to her openly about most issues etc..... But I wouldn't expect her to share a bed with me on the regular.

I don't think there is anything you can do, but could SD's dad have a word? Is their relationship good enough?

If I hadn't been able to afford a place to live with separate rooms for DD and I, I would have considered asking her dad for financial help with the situation. Would your husband be willing and able to help his ex and his daughter in this way?

There's been a few threads recently on hed sharing at dad's house and the responses were very different. A lot posters even suggested withholding contact until each child had their own bed....

It's certainly not common, but if their housing situation only allows for one bedroom and the teenager isn't annoyed by it, it wouldn't phase me.
My teenage children regularly asked to share a bed with me if their dad was away for the night or weekend.

Obviously it isn't ideal at all but your judgement of the mum is not very helpful either and is seeping into your post with the snide comments about too many expensive trainers or how you would be happy to set up in the lounge etc

Your partner should talk to his daughter and her mum about it. Maybe the daughter would like to spend more time at your house but that really is a conversation that needs to be had without recourse to snippy remarks about what the mum spends her money on.