Teen sharing bed with mum?

[ketch12]

Myself and DH have just discovered that his daughter and Mum (DH's ex) still bedshare. She is 14. They have a one-bed maisonette, so there is a living area that could double up as a sleeping space. It is just the two of them.

My thinking is the Mum needs to set up her sleeping space in the lounge surely, daughter needs space at this age! When she mentions it to us she seems v embarrassed. She can never have friends over. It's not even like they share the room in separate beds, they are in a double together.
I don't want to sound snobby - I just think a teenager needs some space surely? Is there anything we can do to support this? When daughter stays with us she has her own room. We wouldn't live in a property without space for her!
Is this more normal than I think it is? Totally understand lack of bedrooms is tricky, does anyone have this issue and sleep in the lounge? Would like to know how normal/unusual this is. TIA.

I feel like you're looking to pick a fight out of nothing.

Lots of people share beds with their kids until they're young teens.

Slightly different as DS is a boy.
Currently living in a 1 bed flat (offer accepted on 2 bed, keeping my fingers crossed the move goes through). He is currently in the front room and i'm in the bedroom. Decided to give up the living space so he could have his own room.

We have made it in to a proper bedroom and i think this was prefered to having 2 x singles in the bedroom and keeping the living space.

Thankyou. Yes they do, but you've stressed young teens, which actually daughter isn't really as she's nearly 15.

The concern is that there doesn't seem to be any plan to make a change to the set up moving forward? There have been plenty of opportunities previously that weren't taken up. It's now at the point where she is feeling uncomfortable and is aware that she is in the minority with her peers etc.

No judgement, just facts. I would absolutely be fine to set up my bedroom in the lounge if I were in her shoes, that is a fact. Daughter has turned up numerous times in different trainers/coats/bags, an excessive amount, most of which aren't needed. She has said previously she doesn't need all these material things. Surely as a parent you would prioritise and sacrifice where needed to ensure your child is healthy and happy, is my thought process?

I actually have a lot of admiration for Mum, she has done her best for sure. Daughter, apart from this situation, is happy and well-rounded. I think we worry as the set up is now not suited given daughter's age, but nothing seems to be planned to change this? Which is a real shame, in a world where teens are unkind and over-judgemental anyway, it would be nice to support daughter with at least and attempt at giving her some of her own space for her to enjoy, have friends invited into etc.

Thankyou. I know of many friends who have done this also, this would be my route if I was struggling for space. As parents this adjustment is surely a sensible solution to give everyone the space they need.

It is judgement. You are again positioning yourself as better with all your surely as a parent you would do this or that. In any event your partner should raise the bedroom issue with his ex if he is concerned and simply tell her that the dd has said she would like her own space. He doesn't however have the right to tell her how she should set up the home or whether she should spend less on trainers.

Thanks. Again, just speaking facts.

It's interesting because when the roles were reversed there was a problem. Mum was adamant when we moved that there was to be a bedroom for daughter (which we have always accommodated without the need to ask, and always would). This was a few years ago, she was very clear that she never wanted daughter to bed share with DH even when she was quite small. Which we understood and respected, we worked around it (DH sleeping on her bedroom floor for a few months when she went through a night terrors stage etc). Whilst I completely understand the Mother-daughter relationship is naturally v different, there is definitely some double standards around this situation, which makes things more tricky.

DH has chatted again to daughter but she became embarrassed and changed the subject. We will keep encouraging a conversation without pushing it too much.

The other point to make, is that it absolutely is DH's business what Mum spends the maintenance money he pays for daughter on. A fortnights worth of maintenance that he pays would easily cover the cost of a single bed...

It really is between your stepdaughters parents. Your talk of being 'worried' about her not being able to have friends over feels disingenuous to me.

Okay, sorry for coming across like that. It definitely is genuine.
Theres no other reason for me starting this thread, other than because this situation is ongoing and has started to cause discomfort for daughter. I've definitely realised the majority of opinions on here do match mine which is v helpful.

The fortnight's worth of maintenance likely covers heat, water, food, rent or mortgage and then other costs of having a child like clothes, phone etc etc. It really isn't his business. He pays it to contribute to the cost of looking after his child. He doesn't get to say she should use it to buy a single bed.

I think she should have her own bed but you are going about it all wrong. The fact that the child no longer wants to talk about this implies she is well aware that the adults are about to start sniping and blaming each other.

Thanks again @cansu she definitely isn't aware nor will we be 'sniping'. No blame here, even though you seem convinced I'm trying to. Just thoughts and things to consider.

The maintenance obviously goes on bills etc too, correct. It would be interesting if she did decide to move in with us full time - both Mum's and our household has a mortgage, bills etc. Both would and can survive without maintenance payments, that has been discussed and agreed before with both parties. Cost of living rising of course impacts this year on year.

Lots to think about and of course not all the information can be shared on here. For those telling me to stay out - I am, DH takes the lead role as expected, however we are one blended family and it has always been this way. I'm always surprised when families are very separated in terms of stepchildren etc, that's never the way we have worked and it's seemed to work fairly well all these years.

Mumsnet is unreal sometimes. Some people deserve judgement. Sometimes people are definitely not doing what's best for their kids and should be called out on it. It's amazing how OP has been jumped on for simply being concerned about her SD who has communicated that she uncomfortable with the situation at her mum's. Stepmums really can't win can they? Had OP said it's not her house and not her problem people would likely have something to say about her lack of concern for her SD.

Like @Starlight1984 and @PrawnAgain mentioned in their posts, if they sleeping arrangements at dads and stepmums aren't absolutely perfect MN kicks up a fuss. Dad's and SMs are expected to ensure that SKs have their own space even if they're only there every fortnight. But it's fine for a kid to not have their own space at mums where she spends the majority of her time. Why are mum's not held to the same standards and dads and SMs? Anyone who thinks this situation is ok is deluded.

@cansu

So what if the op is judging? That is a set up entirely worthy of judgment.

It's really funny, because not providing a separate bedroom for a child (even when there only 4 days a month) is seen as neglectful , selfish and all round shitty parenting.

This kid doesn't even have her own bed , and now it's suddenly ok?

DD and I share a room . She has her own bed. I stay out of it unless I'm really poorly and only go in to sleep so she can still have her own space and privacy. However, I'm very aware that (very) soon I'll have to bite the bullet and move into the living room so that she can have her own space to suit her teenage needs.

Semperldem
Judging the other parent does not generally lead to great relationships between separated parents, their spouses and their children.

@cansu

Judging a situation that doesn’t appear to be in the best interests of the child is human nature.

The op is sharing her concerns here, not sending emails to her step daughters mum so I think castigating her for “judging”. is a bit ridiculous.

I disagree. Presumably the OP does not have inside information about the mums finances. She started out saying how concerned she was but behind the concern is a very judgemental attitude complaining about the trainers bought and making sarky comments about the maintenance would cover cost of a single bed. Separated families often are in conflict. It is much better for the children if the adults don't take sides and add more turmoil. Having a judgemental approach doesn't help when dealing with sensitive and fraught situations.

Why is it ok to advise mothers to stop contact then , when the kids don't have their own beds/rooms at their dad?

It's possible that mum is prioritising things that give her daughter status outside the house, like coats and trainers, over things that aren't seen like beds. I don't think you can assume that SD being well kitted out equates to not having money worries.

Is she unhappy with the arrangement? If so then it's for DH to mention it to his ex and offer to buy twin/bunk beds or a sofa bed.

Thankyou. This is exactly the same thought process as I have.

@cansu I'll say again and again, no judgement. I am stating facts. You are obviously not willing to see both sides here. As others have said, if I was judging I would be addressing it with Mum, and I'm well aware that would be out of line. I do not want to rock the boat and cause friction hence asking on here anonymously.
There is no need for me to post on here to slate Mum, as I've said previously.. if I wanted to belittle her or humiliate her into changing the set up I would confront her directly. I don't need or wish to do that. Things are fairly amicable. I'm not stepping out of line. Everyone in this situation wants what is best for daughter.

Children = sacrifice. Financially it's a shitty one, it always will be. Some on here will say 'don't have children if you don't have the finances/space'. That doesn't necessarily apply here. I know new trainers doesn't equate to a larger property or more space. However, there are ways to get around not sharing a double bed with a parent when you are mid-teens. Most families would make the necessary changes I feel.

I don’t think it’s terrible, not ideal, but needs must sometimes.

I think it's terrible. Two singles in the same room is an acceptable alternative if space is an issue.

How has her Dad not realised this in 14 years?

The answers on here are mostly ridiculous. Obviously this is not okay! It's one thing to want to sleep in with mum sometimes and quite another to be given no other option or bed of your own when you have the means and space available.

I've known a few single mums who live with a daughter in a one bed flat, or more kinds in a 2 bed flat.

In all of those situations the mum has a sofa bed in the living room.