2 stepkids, 1 bio. 4?

[Mamasophiaof3]

Hey! Really in need of some advice.

i have two stepchildren (5) and (7). My baby is 18 months old. They are all boys and get on well although we have the steps part time. My little one adores when they come over. And genuinely seems to get upset when they leave.

i worry I'm denying him something, they both have each other all the time whereas they come and go in his lives due to the circumstances. Will he resent not having a bio sibling when he's older? Will he be lonely when they have each other at Christmas and he doesn't have anyone there to open presents with?

I love the idea of another baby, but I'm not sure financially it would work, and I can barely balance my demanding job as it is. I'm just so stuck on the right path for my little one.

thanks in advance

is your partner your child’s dad?

Does he want a 4th? Is only having a child for company for another child really fair on the 4th?

As an only child, I would definitely say he will prefer to have a sibling when he’s older. The SS are closer in age and may prefer to be at their mum’s when they’re teens. I’m in a similar position to you and want a second of my own even though it’ll be costly when they’re tiny. They’ll be siblings forever, the cost is temporary.

On the other hand, the step up from 3 to 4 is really big. Realistically you need a seven seater car, a four bedroom house and to be able to afford childcare. Can you do that?

You're so right. Childcare, 4 bed we could technically afford it but we wouldn't be left with much considering childcare prices. I just worry so much about him, and I also love being a mum with my whole heart. It brings me so much joy and I mourn the idea I might not do it again.
I feel when the boys are older they may actually end up with us, the eldest asks to move every day he's here but you never know what path they will take!

Yes

Truthfully I love being a mum and mourn the idea of not having another baby but realistically he wouldn't want a 4th

Don't have a baby just so your older one has a sibling at home all the time. There could be health issues, they might not get on etc etc. Only have another child if it's the right thing for all of you. Your child already has 2 biological brothers.

Personally - 4 kids is too many. The Under 10 was much much easier and cuter than the teenager stage in my opinion - well for me at least, it differs depending on the child but many mums of teenagers feel the same. It's a really hard decision because you have to choose now, without having a clue if you'll be tearing your hair out in ten years. A baby is for life, not just the cute years.

I don’t think children necessarily become cheaper as they get older. Hobbies get more expensivenas do gizmos. My 12 yo is wearing adult size 8s. My 14yo is in adult clothing. School is doing a ski trip at just over £1k. They eat adult portions. It’s endless tbf. Then university costs are around the corner.

You say your DP doesn't want a 4th, so that answers that question, unless you want to find a new man to have a child with 🤷‍♀️

3 kids is plenty, and as you say they may end up living with you so you need the living space, finances and time to accommodate that.

Thanks so much you're so right, it's easy to forget that this stage isn't forever and there's many different stages ahead!

Thank you, I get so anxious and play every situation in my head but this is so true. We have plenty and I'm sure my little man will be fine 💓

Thank you, this really helps x

Yes this is so true! It's good to be reminded of the bigger picture. I came from a bigger family and I wasn't ever helped with things: so I'd love to provide all I can for my boy

If you have a lovely relationship with your step children cherish it, your little one will understand once they are older better. If one or both live with you full time in the future it will already be busy with 3!

Then your stepchildren are his bio siblings. My DH who only has half-siblings would find the tone of your post upsetting.

He is really close to his sister and their other brother isn't close to either. Being full siblings would make no difference to the relationship.

Thank you. This is so true💓

I completely worded it wrong. I meant full siblings not bio. My fear is them always having each other, and him being alone a lot. But they have a great bond now which is only growing.

we never have them on Christmas so he will always have to do Christmas Day alone; they will go on holidays without him just all the little things I overthink. As I don't want him to feel lonely!

As a fellow only child don’t be so confident that he would love it just by virtue of being an only child. I’m an only child and I’d have hated a sibling.We aren’t all longing for one.

Siblings do not always get along so I wouldn’t be making a decision based on some hypothetical sibling relationship that might go completely differently from how the OP hopes that it would. The OP has to do what’s right for her because another child will have a bigger impact on her than anyone and he does have step siblings. He can be just as close with them as a full sibling even if they don’t live together.

That was for GabbyP. No idea where the quote disappeared to.

But equally might not get on with another sibling, might get extremely jealous, find them annoying, etc. Or they might be best friends. Neither can be guaranteed.

So I don't think giving an existing child a sibling is a good reason to have another child. I think if you really want another child because you and your partner want one and are willing to make the required sacrifices to make it work, then you should have another. But definitely not for your son who could hate it at the end of the day.

In a stepparent situation the perks of being an only child largely don’t apply though. The parents’ money, time and attention is split already, there’s less chance of living overseas or private school. I quite enjoyed being an only child but it gets worse as you get older and have to manage elderly parents, children having no cousins etc.

But if OP’s husband’s not on board it’s a non-starter anyway.

I have 2 siblings and the only thing we have in common are our parents. We get on as adults but we're not close. Having a 2nd child to ensure that the 1st is not lonely is not the way to go.

You need to be careful of thinking of all the things that your stepsons get that your child doesn't. He has his parents together in a loving home and brothers he loves. That is a lovely childhood. Siblings he enjoys but gets some alone time with mum and dad sounds like the dream for a lot of kids! Lucky boy!

My circumstances were slightly different, I have one stepson was was 10 when my son was born. I had the same thoughts as you and we decided to have one more. I’m so glad we did, as my step son got older he came round less- part time job, friends, college etc took up a lot of his time and he ultimately decided to go from 3 nights a week at ours to staying with his mum on a permanent basis (with regular visits to ours) due to her proximity to work and school. I would have hated the thought of my son being in effect an only child if their relationship didn’t improve as they grew older.