2 stepkids, 1 bio. 4?

[Mamasophiaof3]

Hey! Really in need of some advice.

i have two stepchildren (5) and (7). My baby is 18 months old. They are all boys and get on well although we have the steps part time. My little one adores when they come over. And genuinely seems to get upset when they leave.

i worry I'm denying him something, they both have each other all the time whereas they come and go in his lives due to the circumstances. Will he resent not having a bio sibling when he's older? Will he be lonely when they have each other at Christmas and he doesn't have anyone there to open presents with?

I love the idea of another baby, but I'm not sure financially it would work, and I can barely balance my demanding job as it is. I'm just so stuck on the right path for my little one.

thanks in advance

Your son will get holidays with his half brothers when you all go away. Can Christmas be alternated?

If you want 2 of your own biological children then why shouldn’t you? Just because another woman had 2 children why does that mean that you can’t? The steps are only with you part time so they can share a room as they already have a bedroom to themselves with their mum and your 2 children can have their own bedroom each with you (just like the steps have with their mum). If you can afford the bigger house and bigger (or two) cars then go for it! As many others have pointed out the steps will come and stay and visit less when they grow up and your child will be an only in most ways as they won’t live full time with their half siblings and therefore won’t be as close to them as they will see them less. Also when they get older if would mean everything falling to them and not having the support of a sibling to help them with your care. Also they wouldn’t have the joy of having nieces and nephews as they get older and their children won’t have aunties and uncles. Not sure why people think a second wife should prioritise the first marriages children and give up what they want (another child) and what they want for their child (a full time bio sibling) just because there are steps. Madness!

Or, her husbands children will need to move in full time for a variety of reasons. He can't behave as if he only has one DC, he has three who he is the dad for 100% of the time.

Having 4 children is beyond most people reach, and he can't act as if he only has one.

And like I said they will have a bedroom they can share if that’s ever a possibility they need to live with their dad full time. No one’s saying he should act as though he only has one child! He has one full time and 2 part time. And that part time part will inevitably get less as the children get older so of course there’s room for one more child if they have a 4 bed house. Honestly these first wives need to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them and their kids, there are second wives and their children whose wants and needs are just as important!

I think it's up to you. I don't think you need to feel bad about wanting more children just because your DS has half siblings.

You need to decide whether more children is something you want for yourself and your son.

Personally I'm glad I have multiple children as circumstances beyond my control meant my stepchild now comes to us much less frequently. This is of course extremely hard for all, but I'm glad I didn't just leave it at one kid assuming SC would always be with us half the time.

Half brothers and sisters are aunts and uncles too and their children are cousins, nieces and nephews - exactly the same a full siblings 😂

Im not sure the first wife has given an opinion on whether the OP should have a baby - let alone given any indication she thinks the world revolves around her and her children. Not sure where you got that from.

Her only contribution to this situation was having two children with the man OP went on to marry years before OP met him. OP’s DH now needs to consider whether four children is viable, because for DH the world does revolve around his existing three children. So while OP wants a second, for DH it is a fourth.

Half uncles and aunties, half cousins, half nieces and nephews. Not the same in the slightest!

No but plenty of the replies seem to insist that her life should revolve around two children that aren’t hers and it shouldn’t! They aren’t hers after all.

What a vile way to look at family relationships. You must be quite an unpleasant person to hold such views. Thankfully, in my family half-nieces and nephews are just as loved as full nieces and nephews. Totally flabbergasted by your opinion to be frank. Vile.

lol ok you keep thinking it’s the same because in my experience there is no relationship with extended half family whatsoever! All depends on the bonds made I suppose.

You seem to be forgetting that he has to say goodbye to his brothers probably for days on end knowing they get to be together always, never gets to have Christmas with his brothers? It's pretty naive to suggest he won't notice that just because he has both parents - mine sure noticed!

I get there's no point comparing the two, but please don't underplay the difference between a stepfamily and a nuclear family.

It is all the same in my family. And for the others I know. Yours is the exception to the rule in my experience.

This is a lovely way to look at it, thank you!

Thank you, sorry people are coming at you for this. But it's true, if anything were to happen with me and my partner (obviously hope it does not) then with the ages the are I would rarely see the stepchildren and lose the bond: whereas my son is my own, and always will be.

Could you tell me in your experience how your little ones found not spending Christmas all together? It's very rare we have them Christmas Day due to work their mums family work schedules and ours. But maybe now little one is getting older we could just try to set in stone alternate christmases.

that's how I feel; they always always have each other wherever they go and he absolutely adores them coming round and is so happy and excited, yet sad to see them go. I know you can't predict how they will feel when older but I can't imagine it not upsetting him in the slightest. It breaks my heart, grabs their picture and puts it on his table when they're away 😭

All those reasons are why I'd never have chosen a man who already had kids. Why would you make life harder for your own family unit? It is ALWAYS messy.

It definitely is hard. But it happened naturally and I wouldn't change it, I'm just a massive over thinker.

i come from a family of 6 and realistically none of us are close so I understand there's no guarantee. However I can only imagine for myself if I had two stepsisters who were super close and always together and I just saw them part time and was always left on my own at the end of it!

It's just something I would not have chosen, nor allow to 'just happen', exactly for the reasons you are now struggling with, and many more. Not easy on the first family either, imo.

Well that's great for you. But it's something I did choose, and we're doing well ☺️

I just wanted to reach out for opinions on my thoughts regarding this.
i can assure you the stepkids are content and get treated just the same. Just because their parents relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean their dad should be alone and not move on!

My situation has been a bit different as we did have alternate years to start with. But then had SD mum cancel one Christmas at ours. That was awful as DC had been so excited.

What I would recommend is to make your own routine with DS and whatever way that SC are involved should be set in stone. E.g. SC plans shouldn't make or break Christmas, but all DC should know in advance how it all works so they can all have their own little routines.

The downside of alternate Xmas is that DC obviously notice the difference when SC are/aren't there.

SC has started to request to come for half the day at each house, coming to ours from lunch until boxing day. This seems to be better but might not work for all families.

I think that it would be good to set in stone whatever contact arrangements for Xmas will be going forward. This is mainly to avoid disappointed kids if parents decide to change established plans.

Thank you so much this really helps. I'll make sure to discuss with my partner and see how we can make it work. We normally have step kids Boxing Day, my thoughts were to just celebrate Christmas /santa etc with my boy on Boxing Day so it always feels whole with his siblings!

I think whatever works for you, however it might not necessarily work longer term. We also tried this early on 😂 feels like a million Xmas arrangements. But it might be harder to celebrate Xmas on a different day as DS gets older, also as it may become obvious that SC had "proper" Xmas day the day before (they probably will mention it) and this is a second version, whereas he didn't have "proper" Christmas.

I'm not going to lie to you, Xmas is a minefield! That's kind of why I was suggesting making Xmas day Xmas day with DS and not contingent/centered around on SC plans. It can still be boxing day with gifts with SC, that's how SC will experience it too.

It doesn't make it any less special tbh - as a kid I preferred boxing day with my dad.

I didn't think of that, that's so true.

thank you so much, the whole situation is a minefield, just trying to be the best parent it's hard to know what's right?

Thanks again 💓

No problem. It's very hard to figure out what works best. And happy I can share some of these experiences with someone else going through similar!