2 stepkids, 1 bio. 4?

[Mamasophiaof3]

Hey! Really in need of some advice.

i have two stepchildren (5) and (7). My baby is 18 months old. They are all boys and get on well although we have the steps part time. My little one adores when they come over. And genuinely seems to get upset when they leave.

i worry I'm denying him something, they both have each other all the time whereas they come and go in his lives due to the circumstances. Will he resent not having a bio sibling when he's older? Will he be lonely when they have each other at Christmas and he doesn't have anyone there to open presents with?

I love the idea of another baby, but I'm not sure financially it would work, and I can barely balance my demanding job as it is. I'm just so stuck on the right path for my little one.

thanks in advance

Personally I’d focus on nuturing his relationship with his brothers rather than stretching myself too thin. We even ‘do’ Christmas on a different day so our kids can all be together. They love it.

The thing is though, unlike DC of her own OP only has so much control over the closeness of siblings. E.g. SC mum could decide to move away.

Well if your partner doesn’t want a 4th child, which is fair enough, isn’t that your answer.

She has threatened this before but due to my partners parental rights so can't go too far with the children. We're looking into 50/50 split as well which his solicitor believes he's entitled to!

You don’t need to have equal custody of his kids to make them a priority in your son’s life. Lavishing love on them is powerful and praising them as big brothers. Personally I adore my step kids and it’s a joy to be part of co-parenting them. It’s not because they are especially easy kids, I’m a big believer that love has to be unconditional to have any meaning. Anyway, we are all different. So you do what you believe is right but obviously if your OH doesn’t want a fourth (which to be fair is a big commitment!) then I think you will need to respect that.

Out of interest how old are your DSC/DC?

I'm glad to hear that this is working for your family but it didn't with mine. I think unless your DP and their Ex have the most constructive co-parenting relationship ever or is not involved, it is potentially quite risky to think about loving SC unconditionally, "co-parenting" them and to do things like moving Christmas for your DC to do it with SDC as their "only" Christmas.

Hopefully everything works out for you, but there could come a time where it would benefit your children to feel as if they have family traditions/ a "whole" family anyway, even when SC aren't there.

It could be very confusing down the line for your own DC if anything changed with SC contact and SC/DC were essentially raised to think of themselves like a nuclear family rather than a family that comes together but also have different mums, and some experiences shared but some not.

Again maybe won't be an issue for you but I wish someone had told me this before it happened to me.

Teens now but young primary when I first met them

Yeah this makes so much sense.

im so grateful i made this post to get different points of view and realise things i didn't think about. Why should he have to miss out on his main Christmas when they will still be having theirs!

its really enlightened me to encourage their bond rather than worry he may be left out. As for half custody that's something we'd like anyway as my partner wants his boys more!

thank you again 💓

Sorry I edited my post before seeing you replied. I think it's great this is working for your family but sadly know from experience that treating all kids with unconditional love/as if your own child can backfire as it is extra confusing if something changes e.g. mum changes plans or contact, which seems to be quite common.

I hear what you are saying. I think it does depend on your perspective. We don’t blur boundaries in terms of decisions in their life but my commitment to them is life long, if me and DH split up I would still be wanting to provide a home where they can stay as adults, if they chose to. I guess I’m playing the long game. The relationship with their mum has not always been easy and we have had seasons when they didn’t come to us for various reasons. But they do know deep in their bones that I love them. My view is that it’s never my right to anything off them, they aren’t my biological kids but I can provide unconditional life long commitment to them, that they are free to walk back to any time. They will always, always be my children’s siblings. Regardless of any of the current adult relationships that is a life long tie. Now they are old enough to make their own decisions they seek me out for comfort, advice etc. I never ever criticise their mum (or dad) and I never, ever make them feel they are hurting my feelings by choosing to spend more time with their mum. I’m safe ground. They can’t offend me and they don’t need to earn their place.

You sound like a lovely stepmum 😊 I don't think our perspectives are all together different, I have always been extremely close to my SD, given her a lot of attention and love and we have a very good relationship. She says she has two mums even though I'm very clear her mum is her mum and I'm just an extra adult who cares about her. I'm just more cautious with the stuff around boundaries now than I used to be, mainly as issues between her parents have made things hard for younger DC

I wouldnt let the step kids allow you to decide not to have another child. Of course your hubby should be involved in the decision but quite frankly its not fair that you dont have to have another one just because he already has 2...not to be a downer but you never know what may happen in the future...what if the worst happens and you split then your child is an only child...i have 2 very close in age and its an absolute dream watching them grow together. People will go 'you knew what you got into blah blah' and yes the dad knew he was marrying someone who doesnt have kids and wants them...

If they split OP's child would still have 2 brothers in exactly the same way assuming her DP stays in her child's life.

Siblings are always siblings 😂

But they wouldn’t live with OPs child full time so the sibling relationship wouldn’t be the same as OP having a second child of her own that lives with her.

OP, I was in your position, 2 older DSC and 1 shared DC and debating whether or not to have another. We did go on to have another child together and I am so glad that we did. They are still young but when I see the bond that my two children share I am so glad that they have each other. They love and are close to their older brothers but with it being a blended family there are clear differences, different values that have come from their other household, etc. My DSC are also slightly older than yours so the age gap is wider between them and my own DC which I think also changes the relationship as whilst all the children are close, they are clearly their own unit within our family as they have grown up with the same experiences that no one else has shared except them, now my DC have that with each other and I am really glad that they do.