I am a step parent but do a lot of the work with little appreciation

[Ilovechocolate7283]

Long story as short as possible

I am a step parent and I am expecting with my DH. I do not have children (if we exclude the unborn child) and we have SC most weekends. However since we found out we had a baby on the way and with mixed emotions from SC we asked if we could increase to have SC additional days in the week as well. Their mother is very easy going and understanding so if they decide they want to spend longer with us, it’s never an issue and we will welcome it with open arms. SC are home schooled.

My DH works long distance so is out all day but get back around 5pm, as SC have requested for the last couple of weeks to stay with us. I said I was happy to home school, take the SC out and generally keep them entertained and fed on the weekdays with to me was no issue at all and SC are well aware they will be with me as I their dad is at work. I am under no illusion and completely understand they want to stay with us more so they get to see their dad more.

However this is where my frustration begins, I am halfway through my pregnancy and still having a rough time with sickness (mainly nausea but I have medication that makes it more manageable) and understandably keeping children entertained all day is hard work. The children are normally looking forward to their dad coming home or asking what time he will be back but instead my DH will often come home and have planned to go straight to the gym (usually around 1.5 hours of the evening). I have no problem with him keeping up his fitness routine as it’s essential for having a healthy mind too and when it is just the two of us this is normal and is part of the daily routine but with limited time with the kids in the evening (and one of the kids making a comment about dad going to the gym) I just mentioned it might be good to either rearrange or give it a miss to get some extra time with them.
I have done a lot the last few weeks such as cinema trips, park trips, shopping, taking them to new activity classes, educational day trips as much as I can to keep the kids busy on top of the normal feeding, teaching etc. It has all been going pretty smoothly and although miffed a couple of times it wasn’t anything I was that bothered about.

There been evenings my DH has had a hard day at work and can be quite snappy which I recently I’ve taken personally as I don’t deserve to be at the receiving end especially when I’m trying to help out so much. There was a day he had finished early and I asked if he could help me with the food shopping as I was exhausted and again his response was pretty snappy, I didn’t say much to keep the environment in the house calm but thought I’d bring it up at a later date. My SC do have attitudes from time to time usual teen/child behaviour however I have noticed recently they never say please or thank you and are never called out for it, they are pretty much allowed to speak to us as they please. I don’t get involved in the discipline side and I don’t think it’s my place however the last couple of days SC have been really rude, and also to me.

We went on a day trip the other day and I know with children not every day is a good day and I very much expect the good with the bad, however this was a particularly bad day behaviour wise, no please no thank you, being told to shut up, ignored or told to p off (The shut up and p off is normally directed more towards him). I know it’s because I’m worn out but it really upset me as my DH didn’t call SC out for this as he didn’t want to end the few weeks on a bad note and be “bad guy” I’ve been doing so much recently for my DH, and to me it feels like it’s without much appreciation. Maybe I’m just being sensitive but I’ve also done so much for the children too so thought he would at least sit them down and explain it’s not how you treat people and to have a bit more respect.

I do want to add I had severe morning sickness from around 8-16 weeks and my DH was amazing, he picked up pretty much 100% of everything as I couldn’t do a thing, and had to deal with a very emotional and mentally drained me. Which I know will have been hard for work.

I partly feel like I am being unreasonable but I’m not sure?

Sounds like he is a typical useless Disney dad.
Do you work?
You realise you will be doing all of the parenting, running around etc with this child you are carrying.

I work from home part time at the moment, which I juggle around the kids and isn’t an issue at all.
I’ll be honest it’s definitely starting to worry me.

edited: this is not me saying I am worried about parenting my own child, I just mean realising I could be solo parenting whilst in a relationship

@BodenCardiganNot well, thank you for your kind words.

You are welcome. You are one of a multitude of women on MN who end up running themselves utterly ragged for a man who cannot parent the children he already has, then have a child with him and end up stuck with him.
Editing to say - reread your own post - being told to piss of and that behaviour not being corrected, how much are you willing to put up with?

Putting your pregnancy issues (nausea, tiredness) aside, it is totally unacceptable that the father of your SC does not explain how to behave in an appropriate manner to his children. In my opinion, allowing his DC to speak rudely to you is appalling and shows how little respect he has for you, particularly when you have stepped up for his DC.
You need to clearly explain to him that you are unhappy to continue with this dynamic of disrespect and immediately expect him to change his gym visits to a time that does not mean he spends less time with his DC.
I wish you luck with the new addition and hope you can change your DH's attitude so you can be a happy, blended family.

let me ask once again: why women do this to themselves. If you are fresh and young, find a man who has never had kids

@BodenCardiganNot No I understand your views on this, it’s just a shame as everything has been okay for so long before recent events as highlighted above.
I’ll explain that a bit more, the p off and shut up is most always aimed at him and not me but he also doesn’t correct this behaviour either.
I have explained although nobody wants time with the SC to be a negative one, it also doesn’t teach them the right lessons about respect and the way we speak to each other
He’s tried to be firm with them but they have an absolute meltdown which then makes him feel terrible
Believe me I am no expert at all so I just try to give advice from a parenting view but I do know that I wouldn’t like it if our child spoke to me like that

it’s just a shame as everything has been okay for so long before recent events as highlighted above.
That's usually what happens when the stepmother has her own baby. Here you are, bending over backwards to facilitate the children, their mother and your husband - working, home schooling (wtf on that one), dealing with pregnancy stuff - and little support from him and growing resentment from his children.
How do you see this panning out for you?

Where were they home schooled before they moved in and why can they go back there?

It's not your job to look after them, it's their parents. If your DH can't look after them during the day they need to go back to their DM, or go to school.

You can't look after a newborn and home school and do everything else as well.

Yeah, he is lining you up to be the default parent even before your child is even born.

If his 90min gym session is essential for his healthy mind, when is it your turn. What time do you get?

You have a future problem where your child will see how their half siblings behave and expect the same leniency with their behaviour. Worst case scenario, they kick off to get their way too.

@BodenCardiganNot is right that you are being treated as the nanny with a fanny. You really don’t have to martyr yourself to exhaustion while their dad goes to the gym for 1.5 hours.

Put your foot down, now, before baby arrives.

It'll just get worse afterwards otherwise.

Step down.
Let parents do 90% of the work.
They are not your responsibility.

You need a big chat
He needs to go to the gym before work early in the morning
No more evening sessions. Everyday?! That's crazy
Why are you home schooling them? That should stop. You're not an educator and you need to WFH
And you're taking on more when pregnant than before - why? You will soon have a little one and not want or have time to do anything and then they will be used to you doing it. Time to step back. If their mum is so chill this shouldn't be an issue and he should be parenting or schooling his own kids
Even teachers would tell children to say please or thanks so you need to start that. So what if they have tantrums. You'll be doing it with your own child presumably
You can't do the lackey work and not be allowed to ask for manners and respect

Seriously you need a huge step back and to course correct because they will keep expecting you to run around and be treated like a mug!

@aprayeratatime no I agree and in the nicest terms possible, pretty much lost my shit (self contained and without the kids knowing) the other night.
It doesn’t help that I’ve been too unwell to have my own social life recently so to help out and feel like I’m not getting a time out for me, as well as feeling under appreciated lead to me snapping.

@Snorlaxo this is something I have raised and said needs to be addressed before the lovely little addition arrives as it’s absolutely not behaviour I would tolerate.
I genuinely have felt like maybe I’m being too sensitive because my in laws don’t pick up on it either, my upbringing was very much I wasn’t allowed to swear at all. Whereas their family is quite the opposite.

@Keroppi

Thank you.

I completely agree but because the last couple of weeks had been an exception (on the weekday arrangement) and we were trying to make sure SC didn’t feel pushed out with new baby news I didn’t know if I was being crazy.

The manners and behaviour I also completely agree on. The children just seem to lack a lot of respect particularly towards their dad, there have been occasions where mum has undermined his decisions or opinions which I also don’t think has really helped the situation.

I'm sorry to say, he saw you coming.

This is extremely common with divorced men with young children

He needed to find a woman, unpaid nanny, and housekeeper to parent his kids during his time as he most certainly has no intention of doing it.

he romanced you, and as soon as he could, he went back to doing what he wanted and dumped everything to do with his children on you.

They often pick younger women with no children and dangle the baby as a bonus.

So here you are pregnant and unwell looking after his kids, and he's gone back to doing what he wants with no pesky child care or household activities.

None of this ever gets any better because it's by design on his part.

You either accept it or figure out a divorce at some point.

These little niggles you're currently having are going to lead to massive resentment in the future.

I've never understood why women witness a man Disney dadding, not disciplining his kids, never saying no to the kids and think "Oh, I'll have a baby with him". One pro of step-parenting is getting to see what they're like as a parent before you commit to having a child with them.

You seem lovely, and kind but probably a bit too soft and naive. He's absolutely seen you coming and he's taking the piss. When do you get time for hobbies or to go to the gym?

Stop doing all the childcare for him. If he's working then the kids will need to stay with their mother and he can collect on his way home. It's fine helping out here and there but you shouldn't be doing more than he is.

They probably don't have much respect for him because he dumps them on someone else law while he goes off to work and the gym.

I don't agree that discipline isn't your place. If you're looking after them then you should be allowed to discipline as you see fit. If he doesn't like it then he needs to step up and parent then instead of dumping the onto you.

I’m shocking that the parents of these children are happy to have their step mother doing their home schooling while she is also part time working.
They absolutely saw you coming op.

Sounds like you are already solo parenting.

( Or, rather, co-parenting with your SC's mum. Except she won't be taking on your child to give you a break.)

You are posting here because you know your husband is a shit father and treats you like a nanny. Do you feel like you need permission to stop parenting his children?

You will be carrying the full load for your baby. He's not going to help. You need to stop parenting his older children. If he's not there, neither are they.

Jesus thus is awful. You have 18 years of hard parenting ahead. I cannot imagine the scenario where a year on you are struggling..sleepless nights etc... and dealing with 2 teens. Thus will destroy you. Don't have more dc with this man. He has screwed you over.

Why aren't they in school?

Sounds like they have 2 shit parents and one pushover stepmother.

No need for them to feel "pushed out" if they are properly parented by their PARENTS! Spending more time with you does not fill that gap. Just say no. You have the power here. You don't have to do as your. DH or his ex says. I suggest you read the "Let Them" theory stuff and start making your own choices.