My bf is treating my son unfairly compared to his own daughter - rant/help needed

[EveningCeremony]

Hi Everyone,

I moved together with my bf who has a daughter from a previous relationship (turning 5 in 2 1/2 months) and my son who is 9 (turning 10 in two months). I am new to the blending families construct, so I would appreciate any advice and or help given.

My son and I moved to a different city (my's bfs) to live together seven months ago. While intitially the shift was smooth, there have been some difficulties with us adjusting to a different city. My son is still attending school in his own town, but of course it has been a huge adjustment for him. With finding new friends, living with a male adult (this is the first live-in serious relationship that I have had since separating from his father 5-6 years ago) and becoming a big brother to my bf's daughter who stays with us only every other weekend. My son stays with us every other week.

I have some challenges with my son already as it is which is totally normal at his age with food preferences and screen time. But overall he is a good kid. Doing well in school but is a bit sad sometimes due to a bully in school and feeling caught in the middle between his father and I as his dad hasn't quite moved on. He's really sweet to my bf's daughter and really tries his best. I've noticed perhaps since the fall that my bf's attitude towards my son change a little bit. He can be sarcastic towards him sometimes ( I notice immediately but my son doesn't), talks about his father in an indirect matter (calls his father lazy), and discplines my son differently than his own daughter. In fact he doesn't discipline his daughter at all and says that she's only four years old.

It's been a series of things that I have taken note of, but the pot sort of ran over a couple of days ago. First, his daughter's mom accused my son of calling the daughter dumb and ungrateful, which I find to be completely not true. My son adores his "little sister" and does things constantly to be nice and for her to be comfortable (even though it can be a bit much for him that she constantly needs to be the focus of attention, can be spoiled at times, or he needs his space and she constantly wants to be around him). On the otherhand, I've heard the daughter call all of us "dumb" when we have gently tried to correct her. Gently telling her to wear her gloves when it is minus degrees outside, snowing, and she was sick the week before....you get the idea. I have also heard her mother arguing with my bf calling him ungrateful, etc. So I know where this is coming from. Instead of opening a dialogue with all three of us (meaning the mother, my bf and I). He chooses to have a phone conversation with the mother alone in a different room, tells me what my son said to his daughter without me knowing the context of the situation, what was said, when it was said etc. All I was told is that the mother usually talks with the daughter about feelings, and the daughter felt sad because Benjamin called her dumb and ungrateful. When I asked why didn't the mother contact us about it earlier instead of informing my bf the day before the daughter is to come to us, he didn't answer. He didn't acknowledge the fact that the daughter facetimes with my son and the mother didn't bring it up then.

I didnt get a straight answer and was told that we are to speak to our son today about it. When I asked my bf to ask the daughter alone about what happened when he picked her up, I got no follow up with that either.

The pot really ran over last night when she was with us and we were watching television. The daughter had snacks and was smacking with her food really loudly. Normally it doesn't bother me, but it was really loud. If/when my son smacks his food, my bf immediately corrects him, tells him off, and even said one time that if he doesnt stop that he is going to eat in the kitchen alone. I sat and observed what would happen next, and he didn't say anything to his daughter at all and she was sitting in his lap. I kindly asked him to ask her to stop (as I don't think its my place as she only stays with us four days a month and she has her parents to discipline her). He told me that I could tell her. I responded with that I think its best if you tell her. Then immediately (the daughter doesn't speak english so she didn't understand what we were talking about) he switches the focus on me asking if I have a beef with him, or that I have been tense a lot lately, or why am I making a big deal about it. Or where's that warm and loving woman that I know. It left a not so good feeling in my body when he said those things, almost felt manipulative.

I kindly said that I just think that it is only fair that both children have the same set of rules. That he can't get angry at my son for eating his mouth open and threaten him, and not correct his daughter when she does the same thing. He can't get cross for eating all of his dinner but completely skip dinner for her and give her chocolate (when I cook meals for all of us). Or get angry with my son because he eats messy sometimes but he still spoon feeds his daughter at her age. Somethings of course age has to be taken in consideration, but its almost like he's treating his daughter as though she is a toddler and expecting my son to be a full grown adult.

I pointed out that this can cause, if not has caused already discomfort and resentment with my son staying with us as he sees he's treated differently.

My bf hasnt really gotten the chance to raise his daughter as she stays full time with her mother in a completely different city. So I understand that he may not understand the logistics of things. But something is telling me that this is different, based on his reactions and how he always tries to switch things around and say its my fault.

Move out.

Before you know it your son will be a teenager and the problems will be so much more difficult to deal with. He currently has a bully at school and a bully at home. That's not going to lead anywhere good. You can fix this now. If you wait a few years you'll have much bigger problems to deal with and it will be out of your control. Put your son first.

I think this is unfair. Those who are decent and kind to others are often easily blindsided by people who are manipulative, in no small part because they know what they are doing and they start out playing nice in order to gain trust.
The op may have been naive but we should be helping rather than chastising.

Oh fuck that all too much hassle. Who's more important to you the guy or your son.

He's 42 and hasn't really had/ been allowed to have a strong relationship with his daughter due to custody battles with the mom

They all say that, love. It's always the exs fault.

Sorry, this is all a bit off topic, but this isn't true, there's no "playing with the cubs"! Sounds like someone made up a story line for their documentary, and put this commentary over film of the actual father playing with the cubs. Can't imagine why as the real thing is quite dramatic enough. What actually happens is that the new male will fight the the one in place so as to take over his place in the pride, at this point the females will also attack any incoming male to protect their cubs as if the newcomer wins, the first thing he does is kill any existing cubs. The loss of the cubs means the females will come on heat, at which point they will accept the new males so as to have more cubs. This way the new male gets to have offspring at once, he can't afford to waste time waiting for existing cubs to grow up before the mother becomes fertile again as he could be ousted himself by then. No lionesse will ever let an unrelated male anywhere near her cubs, it would be a death sentance! All this is of course about prioritizing genes, but the mecanism is not a blueprint for human behaviour.

OP

What benefit does living in this family set up have for your son?

Does it outweigh the (quite significant) disadvantages you have now been able to identify?

If not, it would seem to be time to return home to your apartment and let hime grow up in a safe environment. You can make decisions regarding your relationship separately.

Please end this relationship. Your son will grow up dysfunctional and with low self esteem, he will run from you the minute he can.
if you want a good relationship with him in the future, leave this man and stop letting him be nasty to your child .

I can offer an alternative perspective here as I was a child brought up in this environment. My Dad remarried when I was 10 years old and I lived with him, his new wife and her youngest son. My Dad treated her son like one of his own, but she treated me like something stuck to her shoe. Her precious son could do no wrong, yet according to her, I was a liar and trouble maker. In reality, I didn't say boo to a goose, but she was an extremely manipulative character and would tell her friends and colleagues what a horrible person I was. She would delight in hissing at me "you're just like your mother" and that "you might be able to do that at your mother's house, but we don't do that here". She locked away our house phone (pre-mobile days) when she found out my Mum phoned me in the mornings, and locked eggs away when she found out I came home from school to make boiled eggs on toast. She delighted in telling me her colleague said I was "very brazen faced", just because I smiled at him when he said hello to me - I was 12 years old and didn't even know the man! She said that her son and I were now old enough to do our own washing and showed us how to use the washing machine. A little later, I noticed her son didn't seem to be doing his washing anymore so I asked him about it, and he told me she was washing his clothes again as it was a mother's job.

I could have dealt with all that if only my Dad had protected me and been on my side, but she manipulated him into thinking I was the problem. He once begged me to make friends with her, a request I didn't really understand at the time, but every time I tried to talk to her, she wouldn't answer, except to roll her eyes and sigh. Eventually my Dad threw me out at 16 to go and live with my Mum who was 2hours away. I loved my Mum, but the split from my friends at the age of 16 was devastating. He told me it was because he thought I was ruining his marriage, but after I had gone he said nothing changed, his wife just found new things to complain about. He spent the rest of his life apologising for it, but the damage can never be undone and has left deep, traumatic emotional scars for me.

So I ask you OP, please, please, please.... be the advocate for your son always; be on his side, and if you have to, get rid of this partner. Because otherwise, your son may never get over it. Nothing can change my traumas, but if my experiences can help one boy, then at least some good can come of it.

I'm also in Sweden (I'm Swedish), how come he only sees his DD 4 days a month? It's very unusual to not have 50/50 here and it takes a lot for a dad to lose that. Has he perhaps not been a very good parent to his own child either?

It doesn't really matter of course, I think you have realised that your instincts were right, he shouldn't be living with you and your son. The cynic in me is thinking there is more to uncover here and perhaps he isn't at all who you have been thinking he is. I think as women, and particularly as mothers, we need to be hyper vigilant to any and all of these signs and assume that we haven't been told the truth by men. In my experience they all hide shitty behaviour to some extent.

I think she means smacking his lips when eating - basically noisy eating but usually an expression used when someone is eating something tasty and enjoyable.

idiom. to close and open your mouth loudly to express a strong wish to eat something you like a lot:

@EveningCeremony If your partner can't treat both children fairly in a way that's appropriate for their ages then you need to live separately.

A lot of people seem to take it as a blueprint though and think they need to have a baby with every new "partner."

A lot of people seem to take it as a blueprint though and think they need to have a baby with every new "partner."

Hate to say this, but the advice I’ve seen on sites like this is that -blending rarely works. Especially so where there is a son because the dynamic never works. Unless you are planning on marriage and more kids I hope not given the state of affairs here) you should remain living separately until your son has left home. See the BF, but no cohabiting and especially not when the dynamic is like this.

It sounded harsh the first time I read it, but the more I see of blended families the more I think it is wise. Have a relationship by all means, but don’t move your son under this man’s roof.

I am not quite sure about the lion analogy - it's not as if OP is out hunting for fresh prey while the lion of the pack lolls at home.

My husband grew up with a "blended" family. He has warm relationships with both his stepmother and stepfather. His stepmother introduces me as her daughter in law. He refers to his half sisters as his sisters and they refer to him as their brother. So successful blended families really do exist.

In your case, it sounds likes your partner's true nature or parenting style is being revealed. He is not getting better. In fact, he sounds to be getting much worse. You say he can be sarcastic towards your son sometimes and talks about his father in an indirect matter calling him his father lazy). He has one set of rules for his daughter (whom he feeds with a spoon at age 5 while she sits on his lap?) and quite another set for your son. Apparently he is now working himself up about whether or not your son called his daughter dumb and ungrateful because the believes his daughter implicitly.

Comments like, "where's that warm and loving woman that I know" are designed to keep you in your place while he is being increasingly snide and sarcastic, especially to your son..

You've tried but I think you have to give up on this relationship. It is not healthy for either you or your son. Your partner is not a good and fair man or parent and he is getting worse rather than better..

Given you have a place to move back to - just move.

It's really simple - living together isn't in my son's best interest and this isn't working the way I hoped it would and I'm not prepared to let my child be the collateral damage. It's best we live separately and see how things go from there.

Rent a van - move out - literally could all be done and dusted by Sunday....

Then use the precautions you've taken and get your son out of this situation.

It doesn't matter that he has 'never shown this type of behaviour before'. He is not and it is unfair to your son to have to live like this.

Go back to your apartment with your son and end the relationship.

I can sympathise with the OP because it is starting to look as if she will not be able to build a relationship with a man again. It might look to her as if this is the only chance so of course she hung on hoping things would get better.
Unfortunately things have not improved. It seems than the man in the case wants to be the master of the household, like late Victorian!
The more the OP tries to spend minutes with her DS, bloke will regard him as a rival. OP should pay attention to The Man of the house.
@EveningCeremony , He will not become kinder and more malleable. He will want to be more bossy. Sorry duckie it won't work.

Move back into your apartment. Your son deserves better than this.

In the politest possible way, what are you doing!? Your son is only 9. There is no way I would move my son out of his home to another city to be with another man! And I most certainly would not allow another man besides his father to discipline or “threaten” my son, ever. This is awful and so sad to read. Move out and put your kid first.

Also don't forget this is a man who left his partner and tiny child and jumped straight into a relationship with you if I have correctly understood the timeline. And is allowed little contact? Not a prince amongst men this one...

Other languages are available.

LTB

If an adult with a child cannot work out that applying the same rules to each child under the same roof is logical and sensible (with some age related variation of course) and is actively being nasty to one child over something he outright ignores in the other...

I can't get past that really, he hasn't the skills to negotiate this relationship. He is not going to get those skills because he doesn't see any reason to bother.

HIs response to you trying to deal with this is to try to manipulate you and make you feel bad...

Nope. Get out, go back to your apartment, this is not going to improve.

I couldn't get past the first paragraph.

Why have you forced your young son to live with this man, far from his school and friends?

Why do you only have him every other week?

Familysmash is so often a recipe for disaster all round, and you're heading there.

You won't be free of her mother for another 13 years at the very least. And yes, he will be having private conversations with her about their shared child.

You might be wiser and happier to live separately, see how your relationship develops, don't impose the children on each other or each others' kids, and consider moving in together when they're more independent.